The Money Spell 4: Vinnie Jones

A gibbering psychopath promotes British Heart Foundation

One of the most nauseating people, completely undeserving of public attention, in recent times, is the rabid dog in need of lethal injection, mentally lost little puppy, Vincent Peter Jones. As with everything in this crazy, upside-down, Alice-in-Wonderland world in which we live, this psychopathic loon from Watford has gone from a completely crap ‘footballer’ to a Hollywood actor, known for his inability to play any other role than a ‘psychopathic loon from Watford’...

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Everyday Free World Photographs 5: CCTV

The future is 'reality' CCTV Stars

For the safety and security of all subjects of Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II, Closed Circuit Television is installed in nearly every public place in our fair isle. According to latest estimates there are 1.85 million cameras in Britain, which amounts to just 1 for every 32 people.  Most CCTV cameras in Albion are likely to be privately owned, which is particularly comforting for the private section who can make money from the police and other customers by selling the video footage that has been captured.

Despite the proliferation of the mechanical eyes located seemingly everywhere, police admit that just one crime is solved for every 1,000 cameras. Not too high a statistic, but surely the millions spent on these great audio-visual recording devices was not in vain?

In the late 1990s when the wonderful ‘reality’ TV show, Big Brother was broadcast, the population got its first taste of what it is like to be filmed in their own homes on a constant basis. Think back to how exciting it was to witness a complete nobody sleeping in their Big Brother bed, live, for hours! It was truly dreamy and something one never forgets, like their first kiss, their first car, their wedding and the first time they told a lie.

As series after series of Big Brother was shown on our TV screens , the more accustomed we all have become to being endlessly filmed and displayed to whoever had the stamina and lack of IQ to watch. 

With the increase in CCTV cameras throughout the land, this same viewing public could soon begin to watch the general public walk the streets minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. Perhaps it could even take over the amount of viewers watching prime time TV and a YouTube clip about something really amazing, like the latest celebrity female in a bikini, or the latest celebrity male in grubby pants. Perhaps Davina McCall can take a break from admiring herself for one minute and spend some time narrating what is being witnessed from all of this CCTV cameras? Perhaps we could even witness a bored husband standing outside clothes shops whilst his glamour-obsessed wife tries on dress after dress inside?

It is all too much to take some time.

Such a beautiful vision of the future of the country would be to have millions of CCTV cameras installed literally everywhere.  With the ever-shrinking size of CCTV cameras, perhaps one day we could have cameras installed on our private parts and we call all witness the exact moment conception of our child took place? The possibilities are truly endless and awe-inspiring.

With the invention of the television we have seen a slow descent into the output of the most creative and intelligent minds in the universe. From Coronation Street to EastEnders, from The Biggest Loser to Hole in the Wall, from Come Dine With Me to Location, Location, Location, we are truly blessed with the pinnacle of viewing evolution. The heights of the consciousness are channelled like a foaming tide blasting through a crack in a dam.

We must never forget the absolute genius unleashed on our screens and realise that one day soon we could make the most positive leap of evolution: forget our TV sets and watch our CCTV sets. For you too could watch ‘reality’ TV filmed anywhere in the world.

Wouldn’t that be truly amazing?

By Penelope Itchy

A handful of misery, a pocket full of hope

A handful of misery

This very simplistic collage was created after reading an article some time ago now about the plight of Iraqi children in their 'Liberated' homeland of Iraq.

On a daily basis children would find twisted pieces of shrapnel, bullets (Some of which were live), spent shells, and many other remnants of war.

Some children had lost their lives due to standing on land mines, and others now are suffering the debilitating after effects of the depleted uranium that was used in the missiles and bombs so kindly dropped by their 'Liberators'.

Despite all of this the children play, and live their lives as best they can under the most difficult of circumstances.

This is the true testament to the unbreakable spirit of mankind in the face of war and adversity.


By Arnie Canoe

Talentless collaborations Part 1: Snoop Dogg and Paris Hilton




















As the news breaks of the potential collaboration of two of the worlds most talentless fuck-wits ever to slide off of a mortuary slab, you have to wonder how music has managed to drop to such a moronic level in society that Americas answer to a top producer, and musician is now seen as the two legged humanoid dog turd 'Snoop Dogg', and America's answer to a talented singer/model/actress is the recently exhumed, shaved and Botoxed humanoid weasel 'Paris Hilton'.

The above collaboration will be one of such massive shit encrusted proportions that it will be almost as bad as spending the weekend with 'The Krankies' whilst drugged out of your stupid mind on Heroin at some seedy little cockroach infested hotel somewhere near Scunthorpe, or even worse than that spending a winter 'Potholing with Dale Winton' deep in the heart of some wind swept, God foreboding place with only one sleeping bag, a pocket game of 'Cluedo', two tins of Irish stew, and a half eaten Kendal mint cake.

'Snoop Dogg', along with 'Paris Hilton' could not make music of any artistic merit even if their tepid little lives depended on it. The resulting musical collaboration of theirs will be a bit like listening to 'The theme tune to Trumpton' being played backwards out of an arse flute whilst razor blades and diarrhoea are forced down your ears by a rather large, and very hairy, backwater swamp wrestler called 'Sammy the Spleen'.

Apparently this will also be 'Paris Hilton's' comeback album, so if we want to look for comparisons of illustrious comebacks in the corridors of musical or historical significance it would obviously help if the subject for comparison was actually noticed to have existed in the first place.

Rappers like the great 'Chuck D' of 'Public Enemy' must be beside himself to see the empty rapping abilities of a skunked out jock strap, flapping on about 'Guns' and 'Bitches' in an openly hostile, and misogynistic fashion bringing women down to the level of a piece of meat used only for sexual purposes.

Are we that deluded as a society to actually view anything created by celebrities like 'Snoop Dogg', or 'Paris Hilton', collectively or otherwise as worthy of a single hard earned dollar?

Or is this the new level of musical excellence for people to aspire to in all it's fakery adorned, plasticated facial, bling jangling shitedom? 


By Roland Barnacle



 

Angela's new mouth

I love my brand new mouth

Angela raced through the poorly lit streets.

The damp air made Angela's hair hang limp and bedraggled like an old bundle of rope from off the back of some fish stinking Trawler that had recently been sent to a watery grave for crimes against fish and crabs.

Her pea green jumper clung to her curvaceous body like a piece of clingfilm around what looked like a tortured looking photograph of Angela in 'That pose' she likes to be in on weekends with her masked friends.

In the distance Angela's eyes were firmly fixed on the pale silhouette of a street busker clanking some old rusty soup spoons to the tune of 'Chitty Chitty Bang Bang' which was playing in a rather faint manner on a rather decrepit looking cassette player next to the buskers feet.

As Angela approached the street busker it was clear to see that over her sweet mouth was what looked like a cut-out from a magazine of somebody Else's mouth. The newly attached mouth was stuck to Angela's face using a pritstick, and had what looked like horizontal lines across the original image making Angela's mouth look like it was in some kind of sideways prison.

A taxi hurtled past Angela just missing her by a split second as she marched over the road and straight up to the street busker who was still playing his rusty old soup spoons to the almost inaudible tune of 'Chitty Chitty Bang Bang'.

As she stared, eyes wide and glaring, almost possessed and vaguely demonic in their appearance, the street busker finished playing, looked up at Angela's face sporting a brand new cut-out mouth and said:

"Oh hello Angela darling, is it time for me to come home now"

"MMMFFMMF" Angela replied to her father

There was a brief awkward silence

"Is that a cut-out of somebody Else's mouth stuck over your own Angela" her father asked curiously

There was yet another awkward silence

Then as if by some kind of telepathic signal the two of them quickly packed up Angela's fathers things, crossed the road without looking, and then proceeded to walk briskly up the dimly lit street, whilst Angela's new mouth gently flapped about in the breeze like a loose piece of papery skin waiting to escape it's new owners face .


Written by Tommy Dandruff

Image by Arnie Canoe

Wealth and Poverty

We need the money more than you

This collage was created after finding the image of  'Victoria and David Beckham' whoring themselves for even more money on the Japanese advertising circuit.

Other celebrities such as 'Bradley Pitt', 'Harrison Ford', and numerous other Hollywood owned, Illuminated reptoids, obviously find that the millions of dollars that they earn for the jobs that they do, just don't seem to cover the bills anymore. Our hearts, if this was true, would be more likely to grow legs than to weep for these 'Walking Corporate Bilboards'.

The two children used to cover part of the image are standing next to a charred tree stump, and were part of a slightly bigger image that I found in amongst some magazines at home.

The charred tree stump next to the children is pretty much all that remains of the forest that the children used to live quite happily within, until it was decided by a major Corporation that the Tribes that have existed within the forest quite happily with the utmost respect for all life within the forest, needed to be swept aside to make way for enormous Corporate and industrial production factories to produce the disgusting drink of Satan 'Coca Cola'.

So while our celebrities lavish themselves with riches, and separate their vacant cabbage patched heads from reality, the flip side of the coin is very different indeed to the one that they exist under.

The flip side to the coin is that consumer consumption for products that we do not really need, as sold by 'Walking Corporate Bilboards' like the 'Beckhams', prove that money is nothing more than a hypnotic, magical spell that entrances, captivates, and transforms mankind into heartless shells like the 'Beckhams', whilst at the same time producing misery, disease, corruption, loss of land, and even death to the people that stand in the way of Corporate progress.


Written by Roland Barnacle and Heston Quiff

Collage by Heston Quiff

Abstract art squit

Abstract 10

This is one of my favourite abstract images to date, and was created after viewing some of the amazing work created by Kandinsky.

The colours used by Kandinsky are what inspired me more than anything to do this piece of abstract artwork. Of course the brilliance in Kandinsky's work is in many aspects of what he creates, but for some reason it's the mix of colours that draw me in more than anything else.

I would love to be able to paint like Kandinsky, but alas I do not posses the skill necessary to do so. I do however love to mix, layer, and experiment with colour and materials in an abstract way, and hopefully this piece of abstract artwork, directly inspired by Kandinsky's work reflects this approach.

My love for pure expression is what drives me to create. I hope this piece in some way inspires somebody to create in a similar way.


By Heston Quiff

The big rock star death business 1: Amy Winehouse

The picture by which we will all remember Amy Winehouse

The roar of the crowd, incessant camera flashes, choreographed dancers, sounds, sights and scenes at the pinnacle of capitalist rebellion; drugs, drink, sex, and the devil. Ah, yes, it is the rock star lifestyle. Simple to conceive and easy to deceive the common folk. A major money spinner for the management team, and a short-lived existence for the modern-day troubadour... 

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Walking Labia Part 1: Donatella Versace

Ronald McDonald's golem love child

Here we have our first free example of a monthly segment from within the bowels of the INK Ltd produced magazine entitled 'Twat'.

The monthly segment is called 'Walking Labia', and is part of the 'Baron Frankenstein school of plastic surgery' writings which mock, ridicule, and laugh at the ludicrous plasticated fuck up's that trudge along the red bloodline carpets looking like possibly the most realistic zombie movie ever made.

Millions of dollars are spent every year by some of the most vacant, self obsessed, mindless automatons ever to walk the earth in a vein attempt to stay young, youthful, and fresh like a recently opened flower.

Instead what they are left with is something that looks like it has recently been exhumed from a grave full of plague ridden corpses, with about as much similarity to a freshly opened flower as the recently discovered corpse of a disemboweled road kill.

Why anybody would want to put themselves through this kind of genetic experimentation is beyond the comprehension of any normal, straight thinking human being.

It would not surprise me if extra appendages start to become grafted onto the bodies of these morons in the not to distant future. You could end end up having the cream of Hollywood walking around with cocks grafted onto their elbows for a more flowing and permanent accessory, or a spare arm hanging from the base of their spinal attachment to look like a tail, thus creating more of a slinky feel to the body. 

Regardless of the potential limits of taste that plastic surgery seems to surpass daily, the fact remains that some of the most hideous creatures to be seen on earth can be found in Hollywood, yet they are looked upon by the media like they are truly beautiful sentient beings, and pictures of bodily perfection.

This is why the creative team at INK Ltd has decided to include this segment 'Walking Labia part 1' for free to our viewers.

All of our publications will be available by subscription via our website at www.instantnowhere.com 



By Roland Barnacle


   

Mungo and the Hare

Mungo and the Hare

This drawing is about trying to tame the untameable beast.

Mungo is impervious to any commands given to him by his handler the Hare.

No matter what is asked of Mungo, no matter what command or instruction is given, the fact remains that all Mungo wants to do is kill.

He like so many of mankind's inherently evil inhabitants only have the desire for destruction, carnage, and the killing of all living things.

How do you keep a leash on an evil state of mind without becoming the aggressors equal?


By Charlie Cornflake

How the stars relax part 13: Barry Manilow

It could be you next Mr Squirrel

Barry Manilow, Rubber faced human Anteater, and inventor of the arse candle, likes to relax by sacrificing small woodland animals in his purpose built wicker man.


By Roland Barnacle



Tommy Gore Lady boy and the CCTV camera

Kiss my ringer and park those shoes

On the roof of a 24hr garage just off the M25, the fluffy figure of 'Tommy Gore Lady boy' climbs precariously in white heeled scaramanger shoes along the ridge and towards the CCTV camera.

As the garage attendants scream and shout at the white ball of fluff figure that is Tommy, he laughs inanely puffing on a huge cigar as they frantically throw out of date sandwiches, half eaten Cornish pasties, bags of monster munch crisps, and crusty copies of Razzle at his fluffy torso.

All of the makeshift missiles whizz past Tommy's rather over sized head missing him by a proverbial mile which infuriated the garage attendants even more, and made Tommy almost swallow his cigar as he laughed almost uncontrollably at their pathetic attempts.

Then,teetering on the edge of the 24hr garage roof in white heeled scaramanger shoes, and in full view of the CCTV camera, Tommy pulls down his pale silken pants, and shows the garage attendants a brand new place for them to park their highly polished new shoes.


Story by Tommy Dandruff

Collage by Arnie Canoe

Heroin Addiction



Addictions fractured personality

Here is another collage that was created a very long time ago, but not in a galaxy far, far away.

The collage has been constructed to make it look like you are viewing the individual through a broken piece of glass.

Heroin addiction as well as other addictions swallow up the original individuals personality and then throw out a broken fragmented glimpse of what that person used to be/look like.

Addiction also has many faces, some harmless to the individual, and some not so good to not only the individual in question, but people close to that individual as well.

The collage above is my way of trying to interpret those feelings and observations using this medium as a way of showing the way addiction can shatter lives.


By Heston Quiff


  

Mr Mutton is not for sale

Abstract Cut-up word art 1

The above piece of cut-up was constructed on an old New York type writer after dissecting a previous piece of writing a number of times until it finally ended up as the piece you see above.

The stuck on picture of the shoe was a good friend of mine Arnie Canoe's idea.

He felt it would enable the reader to engage even more with the piece by trying to work out/or indeed make up the text obscured by the shoe.

What this meant was that the piece could always be changing, as it would be down to the reader how the piece is finally able to be read, and not the writer.

By Spartacus Mole and Arnie Canoe

Alternative Crockery

Buy my curious alternative crockery

This collage is a very old piece that was created after finding the rather greasy moustached picture of Clark Gable in a film magazine.

The combination of imagery from home furnishing magazines, along with holiday brochures, and of course the black and white image of a Hollywood grease ball are combined to create a collage that is abstract, yet simple in it's construction.

Offering an 'Alternative' to the everyday 'Crockery' that is out there, the collage takes the mundane and transforms it into something not from the 'Obvious gas chamber life' plane of existence, but something altogether different.

By Heston Quiff

Abstract art squit

Abstract 9

Here we have a piece of abstract art that was created after watching a great documentary on graffiti artists.

This along with 5 other images are abstract interpretations of the wonderful art form that is graffiti.

I have used coloured marker pens of varying thickness, along with fine line pens, and pencils to create this image.

Graffiti is still far too underrated as an art form, and although I am not technically able to create the type of intricate pieces many graffiti artists do, I enjoy the freedom of self expression that is at the heart of many pieces of graffiti.

By Heston Quiff

Everyday Free World Photographs 4: Lamp post

The wonderful beacon of free world light

Possibly one of the greatest inventions in the free world is the amazing beacon of light, the grand illuminator of the darkness, the lamp post.

Never has one invention brought such joy to the general population than this towering pillar of strength. When the Christians claim Jesus Christ as the Light of the World they overlook the humble custodian of illumination at their peril. For this imperial shining jewel is worth more than all of the gems in the world's treasure troves. Without it we are truly blind in the darkness of the night.

Although its origins can be traced back to Ancient Greece and Ancient Rome the lamps they used pale into significance to the beautiful sentinel we have created. For a start they required a slave called a laternius to light their lamps of an evening. This is such a waste of use of a slave!

It didn't get much better in the middle ages when the slave mutated into the link-boy who escorted people from place to place through the dimly lit streets.

The Arabs got in on the act with their gas lamps, but even these required the aid of a lamp lighter who had to keep the lamps alight throughout the night.

It wasn't until 1875 when the free world Russian inventor Pavel Yablochlov created the first electric street lighting whereby a carbon arc lamp employing alternating current, ensured that both electrodes were consumed at equal rates, thus providing the foundation from which our lamp post could come alive.

Free world city after free world city became illuminated through electric lighting, but the arc lights gave way to incandescent lighting and then to high intensity discharge lamps on top of the gorgeous lamp post we know and love today.

The creation of the ingenious film cut out prevented one bulb blowing from making all of the lamps go off.

We give praise to the good people at GEC, Philips and Thorn Lighting for continuing to light our lives in Britain and also for developing ever more beautiful lamp posts. For without them we would be literally in the dark, would have nowhere for dogs to cock a leg and urinate against, and also nowhere for lower class prostitutes to solicit customers.

We leave you with this link to a man who crossed the boundary and consummated his love for lamp posts quite literally:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1580899/Man-arrested-for-having-sex-with-lamp-post.html

By Penelope Itchy

Olympic Game Idea 1: Fleece the poor

Epitome of misery holds the eternal flame

With the coming of the 2012 Olympic Games just around the corner we look at the new game ideas considered for introduction this year.

The continual devastation of the economy has produced some excellent ideas destined to enter the global cultural lexicon. One brilliant idea is currently being touted behind the scenes of the Olympic Games and it aims to take more money out of circulation and into the coffers of the very rich.

It is a very entertaining and simple game: Olympic fraud.

For the poor, needy and vulnerable in our society there will be a special tax introduced called the Olympic tax. Although it is clearly illegal and has never been officially introduced by the state, it will be the task of a crack team of Olympians to action. This team will only consist of Olympians who failed to qualify for the Games in their chosen speciality. So all manner of below par athletes will make themselves and their fellow Olympians a nice tidy profit out of the poor.

Although there is no official tax value set in stone, the failed Olympians will harass, badger, intimidate, insult and cajole their way through the population hoping to earn upwards of £1000 per person for the Olympic tax.

It remains to be seen just who will earn the most money defrauding the population but our money is on the more violent sportsmen out there. According to some sources even the dear Lord Seb Coe, underwriter of Tory hell for the population, is itching to get involved. After making a colossal fortune as a lord it has given him a real taster for the most important thing on earth: lots of money. Now it looks as if he can't wait to make his mark. Some say he has already hired several heavies from his past such as Fatima Whitbread, Geoff Capes and Daly Thompson, as well as creating a special uniform for them with his face planted on the back of their jackets. If true, then his take on the specially non-lawful tax will also bear his moniker: the Seb Coe Charity Tax. A clever way of further defrauding the public.

A spokesperson for the poor of Britain has allegedly said: 'We can't wait for the failed athletes to knock on our doors demanding payment for the Olympic Tax. It is something we have all been looking forward to for a long time. We've had enough of the cut backs by the Tories because it's money we shouldn't have anyway. This new tax is perfect because it allows us to pay our debt back to society and also help pay for the Olympic Games that we will not be allowed anywhere near to watch. All in all it is a win win situation.'

Further comments drawn from our sources at homeless shelters across Britain effusively gushed about this wonderful new Olympic game idea:
'It's really innovative and exciting. It gives us on the streets a real chance at becoming involved with the great Olympic Games. Although they won't be able to extract too much money from us because we are homeless I have heard that a new game idea has sprung up to tackle this problem and make some money. They're planning on taking the filthiest of us and getting us drunk and then sending us into middle class homes to wreck them and run away. Once this has happened they will turn up and offer their services to fix the affected properties and make some money. For some of the homeless they are planning on beating us senseless, filming the action and selling it online. My heart swells with pride at the thought they've put into this.'

So there you have it. A great new idea for the Olympic Games and also a couple of new reality TV shows in the mix: Olympic Tax Offenders, Homeless People Wreck Your Home and Live Fight Tonight: Homeless People v Failed Olympians.

The viewing figures are likely to go through the roof.

By Rupert Candle

How the stars relax Part 12: Paris Hilton

I'm a piece of string

Paris Hilton, Pin thin spindle necked skeleton, and the humanoid version of a walking concentration camp, likes to relax by laying on the floor very still pretending to be a piece of string.

By Roland Barnacle

Ideal or not ideal Part 1: Robert Mugabe

I am a Master Baker

Here we have another new game you can take part in from the comfort of your armchair, or if you are unlucky enough from the comfort of your prison cell.

The game is called 'Ideal or not ideal' and requires you to decide weather or not a task, job, or career given to a randomly selected celebrity is 'Ideal' or 'Not ideal' for that specifically chosen person.

This month we see the vile, sweating face of 'Robert Mugabe' as the chosen participant in this first edition of 'ideal or not ideal'.

So for all of you out there here is the job for 'Robert Mugabe' to work in which you must then decide as to weather or not it is 'Ideal' or 'Not ideal' for him.

Are you ready?

'Ideal or not ideal', 'Robert Mugabe' is to be the new Home Economics Teacher at West Runton Secondary School for Girls: 'Ideal or not Ideal'?

Visit INK Ltd's website at www.instantnowhere.com to find out more about 'Ideal or not ideal', along with all other Instant Nowhere Kulture works.


By Roland Barnacle

Abstract art squit

Abstract 5

This abstract piece of artwork was created on a very cold, wet, and downright miserable day late 2011.

It is nothing like any of my other pieces of abstract artwork, and even I was surprised at the coldness that emanates from it.

That said I still really like this abstract piece of artwork as it is such a contrast to all my other pieces, and really does stand out like a sore thumb when it is viewed next to them.

I used Oils and acrylics on 8ft by 4ft hardboard to create this piece, and if you look closely you may even notice a piece of grey cable that I stuck to the image for added colour and texture.

Take a look at the INK Ltd website at www.instantnowhere.com for more info on all my artwork, as well as all the other artists and alternative kulture affiliates work.


By Heston Quiff

Are we enlightened yet?

The question posed by this collage is one that I ask myself on a daily basis.

Am I enlightened?

Are we as a race enlightened?

What does mankind need to do to become enlightened?

The answer is one that requires mankind to change it's own view of itself by actively, deliberately, and systematically rejecting all of the Governmental lies, deceit, and utter bullshit that slides from their Illuminated minds, and out through the illuminated mainstream media.

We must think for ourselves or someone else will happily put another thought of their own in it's place without any hesitation.

Reclaim back your minds.

Become enlightened.


By Arnie Canoe

Hollywood dilemma's Part 1: Kate Winslet



I do love Jammie Dodgers

Here we have a huge dilemma for our Hollywood actress 'Kate Winslet'.

The dilemma is for 'Kate' to try and break out of her catatonic state to listen to the voice in her head telling her to 'Take the biscuit'.

The biscuit is a Jammie Dodger biscuit and one of 'Kates' favourite types of biscuit that is laying un-accounted for like a lonely sparrow with no wings or beak, on the table of 'Kates' favourite place to eat 'Dirty Dave's Diner'.

Will 'Kate' give in to temptation and 'Take The biscuit', or will her catatonic state leave 'Kate' in a self induced Jammie Dodger mess?


By Arnie Canoe

Gatecrashing Golem

Golem 4 

Here we have a mindless Golem crashing into the middle of a black and white comic strip.

The Golems stitched up mouth only enables it to make muffled 'Gark' and 'Gronk' noises as it hurtles like a cabbage patch missile through the middle of this scene.

We all know what it is like to have our lives disturbed by thick, unintelligible morons, mindlessly and quite randomly gatecrashing into our everyday lives without a thought for the individuals they are disturbing.

The above image is one that we can all relate to, and will happen even more frequently as the Golems start to spread across the Earth like the worlds dumbest man made virus.


By Arnie Canoe

What are you made of?



What are we made of?

Are we just a physical being consisting of skin, bones, flesh, internal organs, blood, and a brain.

Or are we something more than this, something that out lives it's host, out lives it's shell for however long the body may exist in it's physical form.

The skeleton in the picture clearly has what looks like a bullet wound to the skull. A violent act has cut short the life of this individual by a person/or persons that do not understand the value of our physical time on this earth, or indeed the far bigger picture from a universal level.

We fear actions committed by individuals blinded by lies far greater than the one that we as a race are told are nothing more than a 'Cosmic accident', and a 'Mistake of universal enormity'. People like the left brain thinking piece of shit 'Richard Dawkins' want us to believe that this reality, this 'Nuts and bolts' reality is all there is. This theory keeps our minds firmly grounded in the 'Now'. When this happens mankind's growth is stunted forcing our values to become nothing more than a 'Physical superficiality mindset'.

Just take a look around at this superficial mindset in action more, and more everyday. It is all around us like a plastic wall of fakery and pointless indulgence.

We are misguided in so many ways in life by the very illuminated people who know the true nature of our being.

When mankind finally learns the truth about who we really are, it will immediately bring down the veil of lies exposing the colossal extent of corruption, deceit, and lies that have kept mankind as nothing less than mind slaves for centuries.

This is not about any specific Religion.

It is about having a universal open minded faith in all of humanity with absolutely no inclusion of any Religious overtones at all.

Pure open minded faith in each other.

Faith in your friends.

Faith in your family.

Faith in yourself.

So what are you made of?


By Arnie Canoe

Colin and the Balloon

Balloon too strong for me

Here we see poor Colin struggling to control the immense pulling power of the balloon.

With his pin thin puny arms and weak state of mind, Colin is unable to gather enough strength to stop him being dragged away to another land.

This drawing is actually a cut out that has been placed onto a piece of plain paper.

'Colin' is a character that crops up in some of my comic strips, and these along with many other artworks, short stories, poetry, magazines, and savage celebrity satire will soon be available to subscribe to on the INK Ltd website: www.instantnowhere.com


By Charlie Cornflake

Wacky Ideas 2: Fluoridation of Water

With fluoride and Coca Cola you can have teeth like this

One of the wackiest ideas in the 20th and 21st century is the mass fluoridation of the drinking water supply. Originally introduced by the Nazis during the second World War in order to make their concentration and extermination camp prisoners docile, and hence unwilling to try to escape, this seriously oddball idea was introduced into the US at the end of the Second World War. The reasoning behind the madness was that it would cut down on the amount of tooth decay in children by strengthening the enamel in growing teeth.

You see the government really cares about its citizens and just wants us all to have healthy teeth. It's so plausible, coming as it does, from governments that created Malthusian organisations designed to depopulate the mass of humanity over decades.

The wackiness of the idea is bolstered by the fact that two thirds of the US public drinking water is fluoridated, and many other countries across the planet are either already following the same path or wish to do so.

Chris Bryson and Joel Griffiths uncovered the fact that fluoride was the key chemical in atomic bomb production according to declassified documents concerning the Manhattan Project. Massive quantities of fluoride were absolutely essential in order to manufacture atomic bomb grade uranium and plutonium throughout the Cold War. Fluoride became the leading chemical health hazard from this project, even more so then the radiation waste.

Luckily though, the American government had spokesmen at hand to spin the lie that fluoride is safe for all of society. These spokespersons were the very scientists who needed government funding to carry out further Atomic bomb testing. How odd that they would parrot the official line that fluoride was not only safe, but perfectly acceptable to be put in the drinking water and toothpaste for the population to come into contact with on a daily basis. Such consideration they showed their people is staggering. We are truly blessed to have such saintly rulers.

When we look at the results from the 1948 study codenamed 'Program F' these totally sane and kindly scientists decided to bury the unsavoury findings. For the health effects from fluoride were not so kind. But because fluoride is a critical industrial chemical it's best to keep its adverse effects under the radar of the average nobody.

An April 29, 1944 Manhattan Project memo addressed to the head of the Manhattan Project's Medical Section, Colonel Stafford Warren, reports: "Clinical evidence suggests that uranium hexafluoride may have a rather marked central nervous system effect.... It seems most likely that the F [code for fluoride] component rather than the T [code for uranium] is the causative factor."

Some believe fluoridation has links to cancer, Down’s syndrome, infant mortality and bone damage.Up to half of those drinking fluoridated water also suffer ‘dental fluorosis’ – a mottling of the teeth thought to be caused by its effects.

The substance referred to as Fluoride, is either, the highly toxic S6 Poisonous (Fluorosilic Acid [H2SiF6] aluminium smelter waste or DiSodium Hexafluorosilicate [Na2SiF6.] phosphate fertiliser waste which contains Radium. wastes from filtration systems at phosphate fertilizer facilities are among the most radioactive types of naturally occurring radioactive material (NORM) wastes. They are among the most dangerous compounds of chemicals known to mankind, added as a medication without full understanding or consent. These toxic products kill everything – People, Animals, Wildlife and the Environment

"The prolonged ingestion of fluoride may cause significant damage to health and particularly to the nervous system," concludes a review of studies by researchers Valdez-Jimenez, et al. published in Neurologia (June 2011)

"Fluoride can be toxic by ingesting one part per million (ppm), and the effects are not immediate, as they can take 20 years or more to become evident," they write.

That is why such a wacky idea as putting this deadly chemical in the water supply kills several birds with one stone:

1. Gets rid of an unwanted industrial waste product on a mass scale without having to pay for correct disposal.
2. Destroys the resistance of the population making them more docile and pliable.
3. Depopulates the masses who come in contact with the poison over a long period of time.
4. Makes the nation's teeth nice and shiny for photographs of people who believe in the American dream.

So all in all it is the greatest possible idea that could be thought up in the last century and hopefully will become even more widespread across the planet in the 21st Century. Who knows it could be used in Coca-Cola next and then we could have the added luxury of aspartame, diabetes, teeth decay and fluoride all in one poisonous 'drink'. Can you wait for it?

 By King Leopold IV

Can't start the day without one

Collage 5

What can't you start the day without?

For some people it's cigarettes. For others it's a cup of tea.

There are many different things we cannot start the day without having.

For some of us breaking the habit and going without is an impossibility.

So what CAN'T you start the day without?


By Arnie Canoe

The Battle of Fleggburgh

The Dirty Mac's

Three of the worlds top detectives, collectively known as 'The Dirty Mac's', have been brought together to clean up one of the meanest, roughest, and most violent places on Earth.

A place not for the faint hearted, a place where the very mention of the name strikes fear into the hearts of even the hardest of men...Fleggburgh!!!

Using all their skills and lethal cunning they will embark on a task that will stretch all three of them to breaking point as they come up against some of the most dangerous villains known to man.

Only three men stand in the way of the spread of organised crime to the rest of the world.

And that stand starts here, in a battle that will rock the world, and shape humanity as we know it.

Ladies and Gentleman I give you 'Baby faced Bastard', 'Donkey boy killer', and 'Mr Violent' as 'The Dirty Mac's' in 'The Battle of Fleggburgh'

This publication in all it's ridiculous, crime riddled splendour is available via monthly subscription from the creative team at INK Ltd.

Visit our website at www.instantnowhere.com and immerse yourself into a world of Instant Nowhere Kulture.


By Tommy Dandruff

You'll catch your death..

Fisherman crushed by giant shoe

The above image is a rather surreal collage that I created after seeing the deep sea fisherman laying on the catch of fish in a magazine that I had at home.

In the picture it was almost as if a huge weight had flattened the fisherman even though there was nothing to be seen. I decided to cut out and use a giant shoe as I felt it looked more surreal than other ideas I had considered using for the picture.

By Arnie Canoe

The Flute of shame Part 1: Take That

Fucking Useless cretins

Here we have our first instalment of the 'Flute of shame'.

The 'Flute of shame' is a medieval contraption in the shape of a wrought iron Flute that would be inflicted upon bad musicians.

The device would be fitted around the subjects neck, with the fingers clamped tightly along the Flute, where it would remain indefinitely.

Our first choice of talentless musicians to be awarded the 'Flute of shame' for crimes against music, as chosen by our team here at INK ltd, are none other than the monumentally shite and colossal pile of lung bile 'Take That'.

'Take That' are possibly the most talentless bunch of homo erotic, non-musical brain spasmoids ever to pollute our airwaves. The music they spew out has absolutely nothing of any musical or artistic value what so ever, and consists of an act that is nothing more than four dribbling simpletons gyrating to the sound of their own audible vomit. The fact that anybody would in any way, shape, or form find this group of non-musical fuck up's in any way entertaining proves that musical talent is not what this is about.

Image is everything here.

If 'Take That', utterly crap as they are, were on the other hand a bunch of four pig ugly individuals that sounded exactly the same as 'Take That' do now (which is still a load of old bollocks), would they still be as popular?

Of course the answer to the above is a big huge NO! The talent, which is at a molecular level, is in their looks.

That is it.

Now if you take looks out of the equation what you have left from a musical point of view is the equivalent of four very angry, rosy faced farmers, with chronic arse wrench, barking their yokel dialect into a spit covered microphone down at the local inbred village barn dance.

Our superficial culture has blinded us and clouded our judgement as to what the true nature of music is really all about. Music is meant to move us in an emotional way. Not in a way that takes your emotional level down to that of a lonely pea desperate to feel wanted by other emotionally stunted pea's. But at a level that opens us up to each other, but without the huge superficial meat medallion hanging around a scrawny necked imbecile.

It is time for mankind to wake up from our superficial stupor, grow a spine, and when something really is of no value to us as a race, ignore it out of existence.


By Scythe Underdog

Freaky fashion week: Part 1

Strike a pose style icons

Straight from the fashion shows of Milan we have three fantastic examples of the high end brilliance in design, style, and modelling beauty that the fashion world can bring to the high street.

From left to right we start with 'Dog face tranquilliser girl'.

'Dog face tranquilliser girl' is sporting two completely different legs which is a really new and innovative look for this seasons followers of the ridiculous, as it requires the model to have a leg of choice amputated and swapped with a fellow amputee ready for sewing back on to finish this moronic look.

The dark blue denim dress was actually made from a discarded pair of John Wayne's dusty old cowboy trousers. The trousers required a week in quarantine before any human hands were able to transform this huge flatulent pair of cowboy trousers, into something equally as shite as they were before.

As for the face mask and head dress, both of these were grafted on during a black magic ritual whilst deep in the heart of the Amazon jungle, and enable the wearer to not only pass out from lack of oxygen, but to feel anxious and very claustrophobic at all times.

In the centre we have 'Cliff Evans Lady boy'.

'Cliff Evans Lady boy' is wearing a flouncy red dress that was very kindly made by a blind midget called 'Miggle'. The fabric for the dress was originally white, but 'Miggle' decided that it must be red, and so promptly bled himself over the dress using a bread knife until severe blood loss caused him to pass out. 

The sandals were created by weaving horse hair, some old rope, magic beans, and a toupee previously worn by 'Punch and Judy's' love child 'Bruce Forsyth' to form the hideous shape. A process of heavy steaming was finally applied to produce this anorak wearer style of sandals.

Finally we have 'Lulu brain disease cat'.

'Lulu brain disease cat' is looking rather stretched in this fabulous pair of trousers recently stolen from 'Dale Winton's' washing line. The white blouse is a simple addition and was lovingly made from a bed sheet by tailor to the stars 'Lionel ritchie' after he had arrived back from a lengthy expedition in which he sailed solo around the world in a wooden thimble

The bed sheet material was found in a recently vacated crack den, and required two months of radioactive exposure to kill the strong stench of humanity gone wrong from within it. The material was then stroked rather vigorously by the cast of 'Les Miserables' to give it that wafting air of operatic twit, and then finally ironed rather flat by a steam roller which was steered rather badly by a horse called 'Simon'. 

So there you have three great example's of high end Milan fashion. Be on the look out for part two of this exciting new fashion range from the streets of fashion's capital.


By Arnie Canoe

Abstract art squit

Abstract Art 8

This piece of abstract art was created to try and reflect the intertwining layers of reality and subsequent routes between the many different dimensional layers that exist around, beneath, and in between our 'Nuts and bolts' level of reality that we are told we exist in un-attached to anything else in a kind of 'Molecular solitude'.

The colours I have used are to try and create the feeling of different layers of dimensional light that exist alongside each other, and the darker lines are the more solid routes of light, or pathways of light that connect between individual dimensions.

In a way everything is connected, even though at first it may not be visible, tangible, or in any way clear as to the possible connection. But regardless of the seemingly un-related nature of existence, what is clear is that threading everything together, through the layers of dimensional light and reality, through the physical 'Nuts and bolts' layer of reality we believe to be the only one we are a part of, is an unseen energy that binds us together with an infinite level of energy.

I believe that this infinite level of energy that links us together like an outstretched hand can be summed up in one word: Consciousness.

The greater the level of consciousness, the closer we will move to understanding what it is that makes us what we truly are.

Art of all mediums are about the quest for enlightenment.

When we are enlightened we become far more conscious of not only ourselves and other people, but our surroundings and what our true goals are in life.

When I create abstract pieces of art I feel like I am on an unplanned journey with no clue as to where I am going, or if there actually is an end destination to the journey. In some ways the journey has already been taken. In other ways we have reached the end destination but have failed even to notice.


By Heston Quiff

How the stars relax Part 11: Jennifer Aniston

I like teasing mice

Jennifer Aniston, Club footed teaser of mice, and world champion leap frogger, likes to relax by allowing burly men to roller skate over her scrawny neck.

By Roland Barnacle

Monkeydom and martyrdom

Faces drawn on toadstools eyes hang out of Cindy's wardrobe
Gloves burn loosely over cars blown out by eyelash syndrome
Murderers drip girders weave your fish to golden ginger
Torrid romps in car park flesh fuck sister wont ya kiss her

Monkeydom and martyrdom
Monkeydom and martyrdom
Look at what you've gone and done
Monkeydom and martyrdom

Teasing flasher krypto did four rollers with brown tip toe
Hats pissed out of doorways cry for mummy's begging blister
Anal lovers shout as Arnold's train track flips to hit her
Wild and wacky virgin slept in pot with ice and dish dirt

Monkeydom and martyrdom
Monkeydom and martyrdom
Look at what you've gone and done
Monkeydom and martyrdom

Just look
At the state
That you have made
Of my posh turncoat
Just look
At the state
That it's in

Your monkeydom
And martyrdom
For all that it is worth
Has left me
In a
Terrible
Spin

Monkeydom and martyrdom
Monkeydom and martyrdom
Look at what you've gone and done
Monkeydom and martyrdom


This song was written using cut-up words and also the role of a dice to decide the order of certain word placement.

The rhythmic feel to the verse sections was already decided, again by the role of a dice, and once the words had been chosen they were put in place to create this song structure.

All words had already been typed out, it was just a matter of rolling the dice to let fate decide how the song was constructed.

By Spartacus Mole

Private Bullhorn on parade

Late for parade again

This drawing is very old and was drawn whilst very bored at work many moons ago.

The yellow discolouring adds to the drawing in some ways giving it more character and depth.

I really do not know why the character of the 'Sargeant' came out the way he did. It is almost as if his head is like some kind of claw, which is really quite odd, and slightly surreal.

By Charlie Cornflake