Hello, I am Leonard Gourmet-Duck and I am the in-house astrologer for Instant Nowhere Korporation Ltd. It is my job to understand the vibrational waves of destiny that the grand universe presents to me, and translate this into an easily digestible format for my dear readers.
After being an astrologer to the stars for over two decades I have now decided to provide my gifts of forecasting to the general reading public.
This is my astrological forecast for the remainder of January 2012 for all those born under the astrological star sign of Aries.
Friday 13th: Oooh, a terrible vengeance has been wreaked upon you. Perhaps your car has been trashed, or your terrapin pond drained of water, or worse still, your doorbell has been rung by pesky kids who have since run away. Whatever you do today you must stay in bed. All day. Do not move. Do not eat or drink. Just sleep. That way you will overcome the terrible awe of this deeply unlucky day.
Saturday 14th: The morning after the day before. Very profound. Today is gonna be the day that they are gonna throw it back to you. Very profound. Oasis, yeah. Do you understand what I'm saying? That's right, buy yourself the complete Oasis collection, get some sunglasses to wear all day, and sing badly out of tune in the shower. You must awaken your inner northern idiot today or else you will not be able to do anything.
Sunday 15th: It might be the Lord's day but you must ensure that you commit a sin today. Swear, blaspheme, commit adultery, cut your hair, play loud music, eat pork, celebrate someone's death, urinate in a car's petrol tank. Anything that shows the devilish side to your life. If you don't you will deeply regret it.
Monday 16th: Whatever you do today will be tinged with sadness. You will feel like you have been beaten up by the police and then set upon by their wild dogs. Your heart will feel like it has been eaten up and spat back in your face, just like that guy in 500 days of summer. Don't worry about it though because there is nothing you can do about it.
Tuesday 17th - Friday 20th: Too boring to mention. Possible lottery win. Might get married. Could have children. Not my cup of tea so I will leave these days alone.
Saturday 21st: Now this is more like it. Absolute misery today! Hooray! Perhaps you will break a bone, fracture your wrist, split your lip, fall down some stairs, be told that you are dumped. Real good stuff for an astrologer so we can forecast better things for you in the future. Whatever you do today make sure that you change your will to make me your sole beneficiary.
Sunday 22nd - Sunday 29th: Strip naked all week and go to a nudist colony in the Outer Hebrides. Yes the weather is bad and you might get a little bit cold, but you must do it! Imagine swinging about on a swing, going on donkey rides, throwing a frisbee and playing volleyball. It will be a great laugh and you might not die of pneumonia. This is the stuff that dreams are made from.
Monday 30th: You will feel extremely lethargic today. Vital signs will be almost non-existent. So we recommend you drink at least 40 cups of strong coffee and a vat of coca-cola to get through this day. Someone who bores you to death will also hang around with you today and will not leave.
Tuesday 31st: The first day of sunlight! Spend the day in the garden relaxing by doing the simple things in life, like erecting a conservatory, planting a maze made from privet hedge or playing urban golf. If you have a dog you might want to have it put down today or it could cause you trouble.
Don't forget: if you do not follow my astrological advice to the letter then you risk being mentally and physically destroyed for the rest of your life.
By Leonard Gourmet-Duck
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