Soulless Without Make-Up 1: Lindsay Lohan

Soulless #13029 'Lindsay Lohan': With Make-Up

Soulless #13029 'Lindsay Lohan': Without Make-up

Here we take a brief look at the stars without their makeup. Today we have the empty-headed, jail-bird, nervously broken-down, celebrity piece of flotsam, Lindsay Lohan, more-money-than-sense, dribbling away into nausea bags full of ready-made vomit.

Lohan definitely looks better without her make-up. Closer to the core of her eternally damned being. If you look closely you can see the souls of her dead ancestors peering through the holes in her own vacant image.

For more I would kindly suggest you make your way over to the INK website and subscribe you worthless mortal worms: www.instantnowhere.moonfruit.com

By the Dark Alma Mater

How the stars relax Part 12: Paris Hilton

I'm a piece of string

Paris Hilton, Pin thin spindle necked skeleton, and the humanoid version of a walking concentration camp, likes to relax by laying on the floor very still pretending to be a piece of string.

By Roland Barnacle

Hollywood dilemma's Part 1: Kate Winslet



I do love Jammie Dodgers

Here we have a huge dilemma for our Hollywood actress 'Kate Winslet'.

The dilemma is for 'Kate' to try and break out of her catatonic state to listen to the voice in her head telling her to 'Take the biscuit'.

The biscuit is a Jammie Dodger biscuit and one of 'Kates' favourite types of biscuit that is laying un-accounted for like a lonely sparrow with no wings or beak, on the table of 'Kates' favourite place to eat 'Dirty Dave's Diner'.

Will 'Kate' give in to temptation and 'Take The biscuit', or will her catatonic state leave 'Kate' in a self induced Jammie Dodger mess?


By Arnie Canoe

The Flute of shame Part 1: Take That

Fucking Useless cretins

Here we have our first instalment of the 'Flute of shame'.

The 'Flute of shame' is a medieval contraption in the shape of a wrought iron Flute that would be inflicted upon bad musicians.

The device would be fitted around the subjects neck, with the fingers clamped tightly along the Flute, where it would remain indefinitely.

Our first choice of talentless musicians to be awarded the 'Flute of shame' for crimes against music, as chosen by our team here at INK ltd, are none other than the monumentally shite and colossal pile of lung bile 'Take That'.

'Take That' are possibly the most talentless bunch of homo erotic, non-musical brain spasmoids ever to pollute our airwaves. The music they spew out has absolutely nothing of any musical or artistic value what so ever, and consists of an act that is nothing more than four dribbling simpletons gyrating to the sound of their own audible vomit. The fact that anybody would in any way, shape, or form find this group of non-musical fuck up's in any way entertaining proves that musical talent is not what this is about.

Image is everything here.

If 'Take That', utterly crap as they are, were on the other hand a bunch of four pig ugly individuals that sounded exactly the same as 'Take That' do now (which is still a load of old bollocks), would they still be as popular?

Of course the answer to the above is a big huge NO! The talent, which is at a molecular level, is in their looks.

That is it.

Now if you take looks out of the equation what you have left from a musical point of view is the equivalent of four very angry, rosy faced farmers, with chronic arse wrench, barking their yokel dialect into a spit covered microphone down at the local inbred village barn dance.

Our superficial culture has blinded us and clouded our judgement as to what the true nature of music is really all about. Music is meant to move us in an emotional way. Not in a way that takes your emotional level down to that of a lonely pea desperate to feel wanted by other emotionally stunted pea's. But at a level that opens us up to each other, but without the huge superficial meat medallion hanging around a scrawny necked imbecile.

It is time for mankind to wake up from our superficial stupor, grow a spine, and when something really is of no value to us as a race, ignore it out of existence.


By Scythe Underdog

How the stars relax Part 11: Jennifer Aniston

I like teasing mice

Jennifer Aniston, Club footed teaser of mice, and world champion leap frogger, likes to relax by allowing burly men to roller skate over her scrawny neck.

By Roland Barnacle

Beauty Tips Part 1: Sienna Miller

The scribbling dribbling simpleton

Here we have a great beauty tip for all you women out there who feel that you need that slight edge when you are attempting to attract a male or female companion.

The beauty tip is straight from the highly talented repertoire of actress/model 'Sienna Miller'.

In 'Sienna Miller' you have a woman with all the acting range of a freshly peeled spud, and a modelling portfolio containing images similar in look to that of being dragged through a hedge backwards, whilst wild boars try and gouge your tiny belt hole like eyes out of your pasty, tepid looking face.

So as you can appreciate 'Sienna Miller' is more than qualified for this job at hand.

The name of this look is called 'The scribbling dribbling simpleton', and this is how you can achieve it:

Firstly, using only red and black permanent chubby marker pens, in a childlike fashion the individual must scrawl inanely like a simpleton gone diddle, to accentuate the contours of the face, and thus giving the eyes that stand out quality all women need when they attempt to attract male or female attention. 

Secondly, and most importantly, you must learn how to stare in a longing fashion for hours on end, as this is the key to looking like an extremely empty vessel in need of filling up by either a male or a female. This is best achieved by staring into a mirror, shop window, or even the window of a moving vehicle.

I do hope this beauty tip has been of some help to you, and our gracious thanks amidst stifled laughter go to 'Sienna Miller' for sharing one of her fantastic tried and tested beauty tips.

                                                                                                        By Arnie Canoe

INK Ltd 2012 Oscar nominations

The Bloodline Award Ceremony

Here we have below a list of some of the nominees for this years 2012 Oscars.

This vulgarity display of illuminated reptoids, carefully chosen from the bloodlines of the select few to grace our movie screens like a plague ridden display of rejects, golems, and moronic inbreds is a perfect example of how the few control the many through the medium of film.

So here are the 2012 Oscar nominations as decided by INK Ltd's independent team of judges, headed and overseen by none other than Mr Brian Marigold Clog Esq.

BEST ACTOR:

Gary Oldman- For his deeply moving portrayal of a really grumpy cunt in the cold war circus extravaganza 'The Red Trampoline Man'.

George Clooney- For his joyous portrayal of 'King Fraggle' in the smash hit family film 'The return of Fraggle rock'.

Bradley Pitt- For his heart wrenching portrayal of a lonely lamppost in the tear jerking love story 'Bumble Bobble and the lonely street lamp'.

BEST ACTRESS:

Meryl Streep- For her sickly portrayal of the most hateful and vile woman ever to walk the earth in the hideous biopic 'The Bilderberg Bitch'.

Glenn Close- For her inanimate portrayal of an ageing bin liner in the creepy horror film 'Sunshine and smiles on a heavenly tropical beach'.

BEST PICTURE:

Martin Scorsese- For his 3D film epic 'Colin's Beans'.

Stephen Spielberg- For his grandiose war film 'Donkeys in the mud'.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:

Nick Nolte- For his ground breaking portrayal of a free floating plasma ball in the sci-fi blockbuster 'Twinkle'.

Kenneth Brannagh- For his hilarious portrayal of a Dickensian Fop in the romantic comedy 'So what if she's dead'.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:

Janet mcteer- For her sublime portrayal of an Actress nobody has ever heard of in the Spanish subtitled crazy crime caper 'Bullfight and the Chimney Sweep'.

Melissa McCarthy- For her endearing portrayal of an Actress nobody has ever heard of in the stunning period drama 'Look A Monkey'.

BEST SCRIPT:

The Artist

Donkeys in the mud

Twinkle

Bumberclot Ridge

BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS:

The cryogenics life support team- For their stunning ability to re-animate 'Walt Disney' for the lead role in the lavish book adaptation to film of 'Mein Kampf'.

The Baron Frankenstein school of plastic surgery- For incredible surgical make-up transformations of 'Kenny Rogers' for the life story biopic 'The man who was Kenny Rogers'. 

LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD:

Clint Eastwood- For having the incredible ability to play a craggy faced boulder in every movie he has ever made.

Michael Caine- For having the stunning ability to play the same old piece of antique wooden furniture in every movie he has ever made.

Sean Connery- For having the amazing ability to play a miserable old bastard in every movie he has ever made.


And there you have the 2012 illuminated Oscar nominations as chosen by our team here at INK Ltd's, under the careful supervision of Mr Brian Marigold Clog Esq.

We do hope you have decided on your own personal favourites from the list above, and we welcome any feedback via INK Ltd website, or any social media sites with regards to the above list of the 2012 Oscar nominations.


                                                                                                            By Roland Barnacle  

Excerpt from 'Twat' magazine

Baron Frankenstein School of Surgery

The above image is from 'Twat' magazine and is the main image for a section titled 'I'm a Walking Labia', a section that takes a look at the ludicrous 'Trout pouts' that women end up with after having lip enhancements. Also within this section of the magazine is a game called 'Who's Labia is this'? which is loosely based on the board game 'Guess Who', and involves readers having to guess who the celebrity is when only the labia is showing.

How any women can think that they look in any way, shape, or form attractive when they resemble nothing more than a 'Walking Labia' is beyond me. This body dismorphic mindset is almost being ingrained as being the natural look for a women, when it is quite clear to anybody with a brain cell that the look is far from natural and is positively grotesque.

Why the need to turn yourself into a monstrosity when a vast majority of the women who have this type of body enhancement must already be the walking dead anyway is quite ridiculous.

Hollywood amongst others have pushed this 'Baron Frankenstein' style of reconstruction in an attempt to make the vacant cabbages out there feel that by changing themselves in this manner, somehow makes them more desirable, and somehow more able to fit in with a preconceived image of beauty, one that has actually never been stated in the first place.

Who decides what is beautiful and what is not?

You or someone else TELLING you what is beautiful and what is not.

Make up your own minds, but until then be on the look out for a few free excerpts from 'Twat' magazine and it's sister publications 'Jap's eye', and also 'Tosspot' on topics like this and many more.

                                                                                                          By Roland Barnacle

The Money Spell 3: Johnny Depp

A flabby faced bearded weasel  with no talent

For a man who has spent decades as one of Hollywood’s own vulgar little face transplants, faeces breath, Johnny ‘The wooden cupboard’ Depp, really does not need any more money. His wealth surpasses all but the very few A list Hollywood actors and is built like all of them on the dead souls of his myopic and brain damaged fan base. So that is why he needs just a little bit more money in order to hawk Mont Blanc watches and pens to sad, besotted middle class women, who think the sun shines out of his botoxed asshole...

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Programming the Masses 1: Strictly Come Dancing

Necrophilia, plastic surgery, comatose programming are all on display for you

The best tool in the hands of a silent dictatorship is an acquiescent media and a docile population drugged on celebrity gossip and TV programming. It is the latter that we shall look at in this series as we see how easy it is to create a brainwashed and ever dumbed-down general public using cheap and nasty 'groundbait' programmes.

The first in our series concerns the mental aberration known as 'Strictly Come Dancing'. Widely perceived as Saturday night mind decay, this mind-control programming is especially effective as it serves several purposes:

1. To take the average schmuck out of their dreary lives for a couple of hours to witness the sights and sounds of an over-produced spectacle.
2. To give celebrities who have nothing better to do, a reason to be in the public eye and hence increase or revitalise their flagging fame and increase their bank balance.
3. To ridicule and mercilessly mock the unwashed masses by showing them how the stars dance away their lives in pomp and luxury whilst you little people scrimp and save and work yourselves to the bone to make ends meet.
4. To allow a panel of smug, arrogant and exceedingly nauseating assholes to criticise and judge the antics of a bunch of amateurs as they flail about pretending to be dancers for a couple of hours.

The whole premise of the show is contrived and extremely patronising. Celebrities dancing in a ballroom is similar to the decadence of the court at Louis XVI and his morubund Ancien Regime. Whilst the Third Estate of France starved his nobility ate heartily off of the backs of peasants, artisans and vagabonds.

In our great country we see job cuts, pensions being stolen, wages being slashed and an economy deliberately destined for the dustbin, but that's ok because flaccid astrological reject Russell Grant is blubbering about like a modern day Nero, disfigured and dumb former footballer Robbie Savage is sliding around the place like a grotesque parody of of John Travolta or Patrick Swayze in their dayglo prime. The women are there to show off their bodies to the dying libidos of elderly men, and the men are there to prove that they still have their appeal to desperate housewives gobbling down valium to silence the emptiness they feel.

All in all it is programming at its finest: you watch it and feel completely inadequate, hollow and as brainless as a Hollyoaks actress. It will soon return to the airwaves for a tenth season in hell, by which point the British economy will have shrivelled to the size of a pea, and the underclass will become as poor as the inhabitants of the Third World. Cheery stuff I’m sure, but at least we have the stuttering, gibber-jab, ski jump jaw, Bruce ‘when will this variety show clown ever die?’ Forsyth, smiling away and making staid jokes to soothe our vacant souls. Can hardly wait for the next does of programming…

By Dr Green

How the stars relax Part 9: Paul Daniels

I've got my own purpose built Hovercraft

Paul Daniels, Ferret haired human sick bag, and wearer of socks with sandals, likes to relax by whizzing around his local Village pond, and scaring the Ducks featherless on his purpose built hovercraft.

                                                                                                              By Roland Barnacle

Celebrity Binman Part 1: Phillip Schofield

I'm a silver haired gerbil

Here we have a new game that you can all participate in from the comfort of you own armchair.

The game is on a monthly basis, and requires your votes to decide the outcome of the game.

The name of the new game is called 'Celebrity Binman', and it involves you, the general public, choosing from a list of pre-chosen celebrities of which the one with the most votes will be chosen to work as a Binman for a full shit encrusted 60 hour week...


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How the stars relax part 8: Madonna

I love Noddy

Madonna, Prehistoric humanoid landfill site, and the first woman on Earth to ever use a pencil, likes to relax by wandering around her stately home wearing a 'Noddy' outfit and counting dust particles.

                                                                                                            By Roland Barnacle

Just Fuck Off part 1: Lilly Allen and Peaches Geldof

Talentless puddles of piss

This new segment is titled 'Just Fuck Off', and it is aimed at all those individuals (there are many of them) who feel they have some right to be in the public eye because of what they have, and in many cases, have not done.

Today we start with 'Lilly Allen', and 'Peaches Geldof'.

In 'Lilly Allen', and 'Peaches Geldof' we have two vacuous, talentless, moronic individuals who have only got to where they are today through nepotism.

Their is nothing of any worth or value in either of these two sappy individuals, and they have about as much talent as a decomposing sock between them. Why people feel the need to in any way aspire to individuals like these two sorry sacks of lard is quite staggering. They are devoid of talent in any way, shape, or form and would never have got to where they are today if it was not for their famous fathers.

Being privileged is one thing.

Being privileged and using this as a spring board to promote your talentless child's inability to create anything of any relevance to mankind, whilst thinking that they are in fact highly talented and worth their 'Celebrity' status is nauseating to say the least.

There are many highly talented individuals who work hard at their craft every single day, and whose talents by far exceed nepotistic individuals like 'Lilly Allen', and 'Peaches Geldof', but who go un-noticed because they do not have the opportunities certain privileged individuals have.

So to those talented individuals with more talent in their piss than 'Lilly Allen', and 'Peaches Geldof' we say 'Rise above the Cabbages'.

And to those talentless, nepotistic individuals 'Lilly Allen', and 'Peaches Geldof' we say 'Just Fuck Off'.


                                                                                                            By Arnie Canoe

Baron Frankenstein school of plastic surgery

My face is like a frozen turd

Here we have a great example of how plastic surgery really can a person look far more grotesque, and hideous than before the surgery.

'Anne Robinson', the human version of a Ginger nut Biscuit has all the looks and characteristics here of somebody who has had the great misfortune of having a stroke. Her lopsided mouth, and face with perpendicular aspect makes for horror story viewing, as opposed to the intended response of how youthful, and positively stunning she looks.

Are we really to believe, or more to the point, are the so called 'Celebrities' honestly believing that this Baron Frankenstein styled form of plastic surgery to their faces, and bodies are by any stretch of the imagination making them look young, sexy, vibrant, or in any way close to claiming back the idyllic looks they once had when they were in their teens.

Lets face it, 'Hollywood' is the creator of illusions, and the destroyer of souls. Furthermore to be a part of this clique you have to retain a kind of 'Peter Pan Complex' that draws you more, and more into a world of pure illuminated fakedom.

                                                                                                                  By Arnie Canoe

Walking Corporate Bilboards part 1: Sean Connery

Can ya' spare some suncream

Here we have a great example of how celebrities will sell anything for money.

'Sean Connery', by far the most miserable of all the Actors to play 'James Bond', and a Scottish man oaf with all the charisma of a wilting ferrets cock, and an acting range over inflated like a bought of 'The Purple Grins', sells 'Louis Vuitton' hand luggage on a deserted tropical beach...

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How the stars relax part 6: Joanna Lumley

What a hoot!!

Joanna Lumley, Leather necked humanoid gastropod, and £4.99p bag of dogie chew sticks, likes to relax by creeping up on unsuspecting sunbathers and dangling her sagging breasts into their horrified faces.

                                                                                                      By Roland Barnacle

The many faces of 'Victoria Beckham': Face 1

Cellular Loneliness

This image of 'Victoria Beckham' is one of many that clearly shows the huge array of  diverse, creative, and stylish poses that she possesses in her amazing modelling repertoire.

The above picture in particular was carefully squeezed out of 'Victoria's' plasticated, skeletal jowls using a mix of  Scientology's satanic ramblings, and dumb nausea syndrome tablets.

A huge selection of 'Victoria's' pictures were sifted through by a crack team of moronic cabbages in order to select the above image to start off this new blog segment.

And so it is with great satisfaction that 'Victoria's' team of moronic cabbages are able to bring you this image of 'Victoria', the first of what will be many more in the future.

                                                                                                            By Roland Barnacle    

Monthly piece of shit: January 2012

"I am great"

Every month a celebrity will be chosen from a long list of other hideous, talentless mongoloid celebrities to take pride of place as the "Monthly piece of shit" for that particular month.

For the month of January 2012 it has been decided by the readers of the magazines "Tosspot", and "Jap'seye" that the "Monthly piece of shit" for January 2012 will be none other than the utterley talenless, and eye droopingly nauseating Mr Simon Cowell.

Mr Cowell has spent an enormous amount of time and effort since his accidental creation inside a Cybernetics Laboratory many moons ago to gain celebrity status based on zero talent, colossal wealth by feeding like a parasite off the back of unsuspecting adulation craving wanabees, and fame based on having absolutely nothing in any way, shape, or form to be famous for.

And so for the reasons above, and as voted for by you, the readers of "Tosspot" and "Jap'seye" magazines, I give you the "Monthly piece of shit" for January 2012 Mr Simon Cowell.

By Roland Barnacle

                                                                                                                            

"Hi, My name is..Part 1: Lee Majors

"Hi, Remember me"

"Hi, My name is Lee Majors". You may remember me as the star of hit T.V. shows such as "The Fall Guy" in which I played a washed up, cumbersome, arthritic stunt man turned bounty hunter "Colt Seavers". You may also remember me as "The Bionic Man", and also as the star of films such as "The huge metal bastard", and also my whimsical self penned musicals "Veronica" and "My tuberculosis existence".  

But now as my career has faded away I have decided to become an inventor of action packed gadgets to enable all my fans (those still living), the chance to experience all the thrills and spills of my past action roles, but without the stints in rehab and A&E.

And so it is with great pleasure that I give to you my first invention "The Lee Majors Knee Catapult".

Using a combination of old Viking catapult technology, and by also working closely alongside NASA Free masonic Nazi Magician scientists, my design team were able to create a knee catapult so strong it was able to fire a Budgie into space using only a stage 3 tension out of a possible 10 (no Budgies were harmed during this experiment they were only killed to death).

Further test results showed that the "Lee Majors knee catapult" was also capable of firing "Paris Hilton" through a very dense hedge, and when tested by the United States Army deep within Area 51 the "Lee Majors knee catapult" was also able to fire a Stainless steel saucepan into "Johnny Depp's" flea ridden beard with no damage to either the saucepan or the beard.

The "Lee Majors knee catapult" can be fired from a standing position, missionary position, and even reverse Cowgirl, and utilises the best of 21st Century Hi-Tech materials such as Titanium, Horse hair, "Katie Prices" underwear elastic (very loose and giving), Strips of deadwood splinters from "Hugh Grants" ailing orchard of a career, and many other Top Secret Black Ops ingredients.

Sales of the "Lee Majors knee catapult" have sky rocketed straight to all "Poundland" stores worldwide, so be sure to snap up your very own "Lee Majors knee catapult" from a "Poundland" store near you while stocks last.

"Lee Majors" is currently staring as "Widow Twanky" in Pantomime at the "Bourbon Biscuit Floating Theatre". Tickets still available.

                                                                                                               By Roland Barnacle