The Flute of shame Part 1: Take That

Fucking Useless cretins

Here we have our first instalment of the 'Flute of shame'.

The 'Flute of shame' is a medieval contraption in the shape of a wrought iron Flute that would be inflicted upon bad musicians.

The device would be fitted around the subjects neck, with the fingers clamped tightly along the Flute, where it would remain indefinitely.

Our first choice of talentless musicians to be awarded the 'Flute of shame' for crimes against music, as chosen by our team here at INK ltd, are none other than the monumentally shite and colossal pile of lung bile 'Take That'.

'Take That' are possibly the most talentless bunch of homo erotic, non-musical brain spasmoids ever to pollute our airwaves. The music they spew out has absolutely nothing of any musical or artistic value what so ever, and consists of an act that is nothing more than four dribbling simpletons gyrating to the sound of their own audible vomit. The fact that anybody would in any way, shape, or form find this group of non-musical fuck up's in any way entertaining proves that musical talent is not what this is about.

Image is everything here.

If 'Take That', utterly crap as they are, were on the other hand a bunch of four pig ugly individuals that sounded exactly the same as 'Take That' do now (which is still a load of old bollocks), would they still be as popular?

Of course the answer to the above is a big huge NO! The talent, which is at a molecular level, is in their looks.

That is it.

Now if you take looks out of the equation what you have left from a musical point of view is the equivalent of four very angry, rosy faced farmers, with chronic arse wrench, barking their yokel dialect into a spit covered microphone down at the local inbred village barn dance.

Our superficial culture has blinded us and clouded our judgement as to what the true nature of music is really all about. Music is meant to move us in an emotional way. Not in a way that takes your emotional level down to that of a lonely pea desperate to feel wanted by other emotionally stunted pea's. But at a level that opens us up to each other, but without the huge superficial meat medallion hanging around a scrawny necked imbecile.

It is time for mankind to wake up from our superficial stupor, grow a spine, and when something really is of no value to us as a race, ignore it out of existence.


By Scythe Underdog

INK Ltd 2012 Oscar nominations

The Bloodline Award Ceremony

Here we have below a list of some of the nominees for this years 2012 Oscars.

This vulgarity display of illuminated reptoids, carefully chosen from the bloodlines of the select few to grace our movie screens like a plague ridden display of rejects, golems, and moronic inbreds is a perfect example of how the few control the many through the medium of film.

So here are the 2012 Oscar nominations as decided by INK Ltd's independent team of judges, headed and overseen by none other than Mr Brian Marigold Clog Esq.

BEST ACTOR:

Gary Oldman- For his deeply moving portrayal of a really grumpy cunt in the cold war circus extravaganza 'The Red Trampoline Man'.

George Clooney- For his joyous portrayal of 'King Fraggle' in the smash hit family film 'The return of Fraggle rock'.

Bradley Pitt- For his heart wrenching portrayal of a lonely lamppost in the tear jerking love story 'Bumble Bobble and the lonely street lamp'.

BEST ACTRESS:

Meryl Streep- For her sickly portrayal of the most hateful and vile woman ever to walk the earth in the hideous biopic 'The Bilderberg Bitch'.

Glenn Close- For her inanimate portrayal of an ageing bin liner in the creepy horror film 'Sunshine and smiles on a heavenly tropical beach'.

BEST PICTURE:

Martin Scorsese- For his 3D film epic 'Colin's Beans'.

Stephen Spielberg- For his grandiose war film 'Donkeys in the mud'.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:

Nick Nolte- For his ground breaking portrayal of a free floating plasma ball in the sci-fi blockbuster 'Twinkle'.

Kenneth Brannagh- For his hilarious portrayal of a Dickensian Fop in the romantic comedy 'So what if she's dead'.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:

Janet mcteer- For her sublime portrayal of an Actress nobody has ever heard of in the Spanish subtitled crazy crime caper 'Bullfight and the Chimney Sweep'.

Melissa McCarthy- For her endearing portrayal of an Actress nobody has ever heard of in the stunning period drama 'Look A Monkey'.

BEST SCRIPT:

The Artist

Donkeys in the mud

Twinkle

Bumberclot Ridge

BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS:

The cryogenics life support team- For their stunning ability to re-animate 'Walt Disney' for the lead role in the lavish book adaptation to film of 'Mein Kampf'.

The Baron Frankenstein school of plastic surgery- For incredible surgical make-up transformations of 'Kenny Rogers' for the life story biopic 'The man who was Kenny Rogers'. 

LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD:

Clint Eastwood- For having the incredible ability to play a craggy faced boulder in every movie he has ever made.

Michael Caine- For having the stunning ability to play the same old piece of antique wooden furniture in every movie he has ever made.

Sean Connery- For having the amazing ability to play a miserable old bastard in every movie he has ever made.


And there you have the 2012 illuminated Oscar nominations as chosen by our team here at INK Ltd's, under the careful supervision of Mr Brian Marigold Clog Esq.

We do hope you have decided on your own personal favourites from the list above, and we welcome any feedback via INK Ltd website, or any social media sites with regards to the above list of the 2012 Oscar nominations.


                                                                                                            By Roland Barnacle  

Excerpt from 'Twat' magazine

Baron Frankenstein School of Surgery

The above image is from 'Twat' magazine and is the main image for a section titled 'I'm a Walking Labia', a section that takes a look at the ludicrous 'Trout pouts' that women end up with after having lip enhancements. Also within this section of the magazine is a game called 'Who's Labia is this'? which is loosely based on the board game 'Guess Who', and involves readers having to guess who the celebrity is when only the labia is showing.

How any women can think that they look in any way, shape, or form attractive when they resemble nothing more than a 'Walking Labia' is beyond me. This body dismorphic mindset is almost being ingrained as being the natural look for a women, when it is quite clear to anybody with a brain cell that the look is far from natural and is positively grotesque.

Why the need to turn yourself into a monstrosity when a vast majority of the women who have this type of body enhancement must already be the walking dead anyway is quite ridiculous.

Hollywood amongst others have pushed this 'Baron Frankenstein' style of reconstruction in an attempt to make the vacant cabbages out there feel that by changing themselves in this manner, somehow makes them more desirable, and somehow more able to fit in with a preconceived image of beauty, one that has actually never been stated in the first place.

Who decides what is beautiful and what is not?

You or someone else TELLING you what is beautiful and what is not.

Make up your own minds, but until then be on the look out for a few free excerpts from 'Twat' magazine and it's sister publications 'Jap's eye', and also 'Tosspot' on topics like this and many more.

                                                                                                          By Roland Barnacle

How the stars relax Part 9: Paul Daniels

I've got my own purpose built Hovercraft

Paul Daniels, Ferret haired human sick bag, and wearer of socks with sandals, likes to relax by whizzing around his local Village pond, and scaring the Ducks featherless on his purpose built hovercraft.

                                                                                                              By Roland Barnacle

Celebrity Binman Part 1: Phillip Schofield

I'm a silver haired gerbil

Here we have a new game that you can all participate in from the comfort of you own armchair.

The game is on a monthly basis, and requires your votes to decide the outcome of the game.

The name of the new game is called 'Celebrity Binman', and it involves you, the general public, choosing from a list of pre-chosen celebrities of which the one with the most votes will be chosen to work as a Binman for a full shit encrusted 60 hour week...


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