Image from 'Twat' magazine issue 2: Helena Bonham Carter

I'm the star of Bullseye

Here we have another free image from the magazine called 'Twat' which is produced by the creative team at INK Ltd.

The above image of 'Helena Bonham Carter' was just after she had won a Bafta for her staring role as the quiz master in the film remake of the TV game show 'Bullseye' which originally stared 'Jim Bowen' as an over exuberant genetically modified northern dullard, who on a weekly basis tried to make sense of the contestants inabilities to throw darts at each others heads without making contact.

A special mention was also made on the night of the Illuminated award ceremony of 'Mrs Bonham Carters' ability to not require any special make-up effects on the set of 'Planet of the Apes', the remake carefully put together but her husband 'Pickled Tim' whilst he was quietly having a gigantic dump at a local shopping mall.


By Arnie Canoe

February's Monthly piece of shit: Tory Councillor Luke Mackenzie

A close up of Tory Councillor Luke Mackenzie

Here we are again with another round of 'Monthly piece of shit'.

For February's choice of 'Monthly piece of shit' we were fortunate enough to have a candidate put forward at the very last minute who's vulgarity and disgusting behaviour superseded all of our original choices.

The subscribers to INK Ltd's Blogs and Website voted unanimously to put our February  'Monthly piece of shit' choice head and shoulders above all the other choices of brain pickled Muppet's that we had lined up, and in all honesty we fully understand why.

Recently the Government puppets that dance to a hidden hand drum, have decided in all their pathetic wisdom that the welfare state system needs to be reformed.

What this means is that the Disability living allowance will diminish to a ridiculous low for individuals that really need all the help they can get.

As if having a disability wasn't difficult enough for the individual to deal with, to then have the very system that supports you in your everyday struggle turn around and withdraw support for your personal disability is just proof that within this reform bill is a complete lack of empathy for people with disabilities of all kinds.

Amongst this Government Illuminated mindset we can see clearly that only a certain type of sick minded, odious, foul creature could possibly find any reason to sit and find good reasoning in this horrendous idea for reform of the welfare state system, let alone have the total lack spine to then decide to mock the very people who decide to protest against this very proposal...or would they?

Step forward Tory Councillor Luke Mackenzie, researcher for South Basildon and East Thurrock MP Stephen Metcalfe.

Here we have in Tory fuck box Luke Mackenzie possibly the greatest example of how the few, view the many through silver spoon fed eyes.

This odious little turd decided, in all his bleak and rather brain fried stupidity, to post on Twitter a Tweet about the disabled individuals who on Saturday the 28th of January 2012, decided to protest in London against the changes to the welfare state system and disability living allowances. Here we have disabled individuals, supported by many other inspirational people, who have the strength of character to oppose the system and the tenacity to fight for their personal rights as human beings.

So what hideous low levels could anybody possibly stoop with regards to this event of huge importance and significance?

The answer is very low indeed, as The Tory piece of shit Luke Mackenzie decided to Tweet this disgusting message, and I quote "I hear there are a bunch of unwashed people at Oxford and Regent street. If you don't like Capitalism move to North Korea" end quote.

Has there ever been a more vacuous, poorly informed, deeply hateful, and downright evil comment made towards a group of individuals who are simply fighting for what they believe in.

Everything contained within the Tweet is bile, and as for the line in Luke Mackenzie's foul Tweet in which he refers to "Unwashed people", his pompous comments, if anything, are unwashed like the enormous soiled pants of some hugely flatulent and morbidly obese Oligarch, following through his caviar and cigars rich diet like a backfiring drag racer at some oil slicked race track. Furthermore with regards to the the line in Councillor Cunt bag Mackenzie's Tweet "If you don't like capitalism move to North Korea", I've got an idea for you Tory boy Mackenzie, why don't you fuck off to North Korea, indulge in a fake communistic state, have your mind blanked to think only what you are told to think, feel only what you are told to feel, and exist only how you are told you can exist, add in a bit of torture like water boarding (The CIA are very good at this), or beatings on the bottom of your feet with a large bamboo cane, and maybe then you may realise what a monumental prick you really are in saying what did.

As for the apologies and excuses that have dribbled out of your flaccid gob since posting your obscene Tweet onto Twitter Councillor Mackenzie, it's a case of 'you've made your bed, now go and lay in it', better still move to North Korea first, indulge in some personal torture rendering you unable to walk, this way you will be able to appreciate what it must be like to be disabled, allow your mind to be brain spanked (This wont be necessary), and then lay in an 'Unwashed' bed to contemplate your pathetic existence.

And so for the reasons above Tory Councillor Luke Mackenzie you are February's 'Monthly piece of shit' as voted for by some very well turned out and clean individuals.


By Roland Barnacle

The Flute of shame Part 1: Take That

Fucking Useless cretins

Here we have our first instalment of the 'Flute of shame'.

The 'Flute of shame' is a medieval contraption in the shape of a wrought iron Flute that would be inflicted upon bad musicians.

The device would be fitted around the subjects neck, with the fingers clamped tightly along the Flute, where it would remain indefinitely.

Our first choice of talentless musicians to be awarded the 'Flute of shame' for crimes against music, as chosen by our team here at INK ltd, are none other than the monumentally shite and colossal pile of lung bile 'Take That'.

'Take That' are possibly the most talentless bunch of homo erotic, non-musical brain spasmoids ever to pollute our airwaves. The music they spew out has absolutely nothing of any musical or artistic value what so ever, and consists of an act that is nothing more than four dribbling simpletons gyrating to the sound of their own audible vomit. The fact that anybody would in any way, shape, or form find this group of non-musical fuck up's in any way entertaining proves that musical talent is not what this is about.

Image is everything here.

If 'Take That', utterly crap as they are, were on the other hand a bunch of four pig ugly individuals that sounded exactly the same as 'Take That' do now (which is still a load of old bollocks), would they still be as popular?

Of course the answer to the above is a big huge NO! The talent, which is at a molecular level, is in their looks.

That is it.

Now if you take looks out of the equation what you have left from a musical point of view is the equivalent of four very angry, rosy faced farmers, with chronic arse wrench, barking their yokel dialect into a spit covered microphone down at the local inbred village barn dance.

Our superficial culture has blinded us and clouded our judgement as to what the true nature of music is really all about. Music is meant to move us in an emotional way. Not in a way that takes your emotional level down to that of a lonely pea desperate to feel wanted by other emotionally stunted pea's. But at a level that opens us up to each other, but without the huge superficial meat medallion hanging around a scrawny necked imbecile.

It is time for mankind to wake up from our superficial stupor, grow a spine, and when something really is of no value to us as a race, ignore it out of existence.


By Scythe Underdog

Freaky fashion week: Part 1

Strike a pose style icons

Straight from the fashion shows of Milan we have three fantastic examples of the high end brilliance in design, style, and modelling beauty that the fashion world can bring to the high street.

From left to right we start with 'Dog face tranquilliser girl'.

'Dog face tranquilliser girl' is sporting two completely different legs which is a really new and innovative look for this seasons followers of the ridiculous, as it requires the model to have a leg of choice amputated and swapped with a fellow amputee ready for sewing back on to finish this moronic look.

The dark blue denim dress was actually made from a discarded pair of John Wayne's dusty old cowboy trousers. The trousers required a week in quarantine before any human hands were able to transform this huge flatulent pair of cowboy trousers, into something equally as shite as they were before.

As for the face mask and head dress, both of these were grafted on during a black magic ritual whilst deep in the heart of the Amazon jungle, and enable the wearer to not only pass out from lack of oxygen, but to feel anxious and very claustrophobic at all times.

In the centre we have 'Cliff Evans Lady boy'.

'Cliff Evans Lady boy' is wearing a flouncy red dress that was very kindly made by a blind midget called 'Miggle'. The fabric for the dress was originally white, but 'Miggle' decided that it must be red, and so promptly bled himself over the dress using a bread knife until severe blood loss caused him to pass out. 

The sandals were created by weaving horse hair, some old rope, magic beans, and a toupee previously worn by 'Punch and Judy's' love child 'Bruce Forsyth' to form the hideous shape. A process of heavy steaming was finally applied to produce this anorak wearer style of sandals.

Finally we have 'Lulu brain disease cat'.

'Lulu brain disease cat' is looking rather stretched in this fabulous pair of trousers recently stolen from 'Dale Winton's' washing line. The white blouse is a simple addition and was lovingly made from a bed sheet by tailor to the stars 'Lionel ritchie' after he had arrived back from a lengthy expedition in which he sailed solo around the world in a wooden thimble

The bed sheet material was found in a recently vacated crack den, and required two months of radioactive exposure to kill the strong stench of humanity gone wrong from within it. The material was then stroked rather vigorously by the cast of 'Les Miserables' to give it that wafting air of operatic twit, and then finally ironed rather flat by a steam roller which was steered rather badly by a horse called 'Simon'. 

So there you have three great example's of high end Milan fashion. Be on the look out for part two of this exciting new fashion range from the streets of fashion's capital.


By Arnie Canoe

How the stars relax Part 11: Jennifer Aniston

I like teasing mice

Jennifer Aniston, Club footed teaser of mice, and world champion leap frogger, likes to relax by allowing burly men to roller skate over her scrawny neck.

By Roland Barnacle

Image from 'Twat' magazine: Issue 1

Tree stump with Bafta

This picture is of  'Colin Firth' after winning a Bafta for his portrayal of the stammering hereditary inbred King George the VI.

The picture is also part of the magazine titled 'Twat', of which this picture is from the first edition and in this instance for free.

In the photo it is quite clear to see how handsome 'Mr Firth' is compared to..let's say 'Les Dennis' or 'Dale Winton', or somebody else equally as handsome or talented.

What is also clear from this photo above all else is that 'Colin Firth' along with fellow actors 'Hugh Grant', and 'Richard E Grant', are all as wooden as each other leaving not only a trail of Bafta's and discarded clothes behind them, but a trail of wooden splinters from their appalling inability to be able to convey any real sense of emotion or acting ability other than that of a stationary tree stump.

                                                                                                            By Arnie Canoe

Excerpt from 'Twat' magazine

Baron Frankenstein School of Surgery

The above image is from 'Twat' magazine and is the main image for a section titled 'I'm a Walking Labia', a section that takes a look at the ludicrous 'Trout pouts' that women end up with after having lip enhancements. Also within this section of the magazine is a game called 'Who's Labia is this'? which is loosely based on the board game 'Guess Who', and involves readers having to guess who the celebrity is when only the labia is showing.

How any women can think that they look in any way, shape, or form attractive when they resemble nothing more than a 'Walking Labia' is beyond me. This body dismorphic mindset is almost being ingrained as being the natural look for a women, when it is quite clear to anybody with a brain cell that the look is far from natural and is positively grotesque.

Why the need to turn yourself into a monstrosity when a vast majority of the women who have this type of body enhancement must already be the walking dead anyway is quite ridiculous.

Hollywood amongst others have pushed this 'Baron Frankenstein' style of reconstruction in an attempt to make the vacant cabbages out there feel that by changing themselves in this manner, somehow makes them more desirable, and somehow more able to fit in with a preconceived image of beauty, one that has actually never been stated in the first place.

Who decides what is beautiful and what is not?

You or someone else TELLING you what is beautiful and what is not.

Make up your own minds, but until then be on the look out for a few free excerpts from 'Twat' magazine and it's sister publications 'Jap's eye', and also 'Tosspot' on topics like this and many more.

                                                                                                          By Roland Barnacle

How the stars relax part 10: Ronnie Corbett

I'm the role model for the CIA

Ronnie Corbett, Pint sized jar of spectacled ape semen, and the role model for CIA assasination squads, likes to relax by standing on a crate and pissing through peoples letterboxes.

                                                                                                        By Roland Barnacle

Celebrity Binman Part 1: Phillip Schofield

I'm a silver haired gerbil

Here we have a new game that you can all participate in from the comfort of you own armchair.

The game is on a monthly basis, and requires your votes to decide the outcome of the game.

The name of the new game is called 'Celebrity Binman', and it involves you, the general public, choosing from a list of pre-chosen celebrities of which the one with the most votes will be chosen to work as a Binman for a full shit encrusted 60 hour week...


If you would like to read more you will need to become a member of Instant Nowhere Korporation, which you can do at the following link for free:

Instant Nowhere Kulture Subscription

We look forward to you becoming a member of the Korporation...

Toast and Marmalade

Tears slowly rolled down the cheeks of the fat boys arse as he contemplates what life could be like with no face and a wagon full of toast and marmalade freshly spread by the nimble hands of two sultry and fine slender black virgins scantily clad in see-through sequin shell suits and wearing dirty rain caps yet hunchbacked due to the ever burdening demands of the fat boys endless appetite for more toast and marmalade which has destroyed all but one of the last layers of the Bolivian rainforest left to man yet has been unable to gouge silk moth chrysalis from out of the dainty ballerina serpentine clip clip clippers soft hands and as you can imagine this is something the greedy fat toast and marmalade oaf finds too much for his sorry lard soul to bare

You can find him
Rolling around
Like a beached whale
In the summertime
In the rain

And you can find him
Completely naked
Like a huge translucent jelly
In the summertime
In the rain

But when it is wintertime
With the icy showers bold
You will find him
Cowering in the corner
Of his bedroom
Sunken and cold

This piece of abstract cut-up also has a short poem attached at the end.

The poem was written in 2005, and the abstract cut-up was created not long after this.

Even though both pieces were created separately from each other when put together they seem to work quite nicely to balance up the complete piece.

                                                                                                        By Spartacus Mole

Please can you help?

   MISSING BROWN SHOE

Please can you help me to find my favourite missing brown shoe. It was last seen on a very heavy night out with four female Russian gymnasts and the entire cast of 'War horse on ice'.

Life has become so difficult for me at the moment walking backwards and forwards to work with just one shoe on. My sock keeps stretching to enormous lengths especially when it is soaked by the rain which is causing small dogs to attack the soggy material as they think it is a funny toy.

I can last remember having both shoes on just after a game of 'Air Kebab', and just before an incident involving two packets of wine gums, Leonard Nimoy's stunt double (a northern lad called Brian), and a discarded shopping trolley full of hookers just over two weeks ago.

The local police have been very understanding, but alas they have stopped me from going back to the police station again as they said that for me to do so would result in the one of the policeman having to beat me rather severely to death.

So it is with deep sincerity and a soggy, swollen foot the size of a rugby ball, that I have decided to put out this 'Missing Brown Shoe' poster in the hope that an eagle eyed member of the British public may have some information, or know of it's whereabouts.


Yours hopefully

Mr Bradley Mandela Sparrow

189 Kindergarten Alley
Just behind B&Q car park
Cardboard Box in the far corner
The one with cat piss on the side
Great Yarmouth
Norfolk

How the stars relax part 7: Shane Richie

I love being a Crocodile

Shane Richie, Sick faced grease ball, and man voted most likely to contract arse wrench, likes to relax by putting on a rubber crocodile suit, and crawling through local shopping centres terrifying small children.

                                                                                                       By Roland Barnacle

Just Fuck Off part 1: Lilly Allen and Peaches Geldof

Talentless puddles of piss

This new segment is titled 'Just Fuck Off', and it is aimed at all those individuals (there are many of them) who feel they have some right to be in the public eye because of what they have, and in many cases, have not done.

Today we start with 'Lilly Allen', and 'Peaches Geldof'.

In 'Lilly Allen', and 'Peaches Geldof' we have two vacuous, talentless, moronic individuals who have only got to where they are today through nepotism.

Their is nothing of any worth or value in either of these two sappy individuals, and they have about as much talent as a decomposing sock between them. Why people feel the need to in any way aspire to individuals like these two sorry sacks of lard is quite staggering. They are devoid of talent in any way, shape, or form and would never have got to where they are today if it was not for their famous fathers.

Being privileged is one thing.

Being privileged and using this as a spring board to promote your talentless child's inability to create anything of any relevance to mankind, whilst thinking that they are in fact highly talented and worth their 'Celebrity' status is nauseating to say the least.

There are many highly talented individuals who work hard at their craft every single day, and whose talents by far exceed nepotistic individuals like 'Lilly Allen', and 'Peaches Geldof', but who go un-noticed because they do not have the opportunities certain privileged individuals have.

So to those talented individuals with more talent in their piss than 'Lilly Allen', and 'Peaches Geldof' we say 'Rise above the Cabbages'.

And to those talentless, nepotistic individuals 'Lilly Allen', and 'Peaches Geldof' we say 'Just Fuck Off'.


                                                                                                            By Arnie Canoe

Image from 'Twat' magazine: Issue 1

This picture is taken from the magazine called 'Twat' which is put together by INK House Studio artists Heston Quiff, Charlie Cornflake, Ronnie Raygun, and yours truly Arnie Canoe.

The magazine will be subscription only and is an assortment of obscure imagery, along with very striped down collage pictures, basic drawings and random cut-up text.

'Twat' magazine also has a 'Sister' magazine called 'Tosspot'. This will also be subscription based and is put together by the INK House Studio artists as part of the 'Instant Nowhere Kulture' artistic output team at 'Instant Nowhere Korporation Ltd'.

Where as 'Twat' magazine is more of a striped down affair 'Tosspot' is a more kaleidoscopic, collage based dismantling of banal women's magazines, and lads mags such as 'Loaded', and 'FHM'. It then mixes them together resulting in the psychedelic mish mash that is 'Tosspot'.

Other magazines produced by INK House Studios in conjunction with the 'Instant Nowhere Kulture' team are: Jap's Eye, and Underdog. Both of these will also be available by subscription details of which will be available shortly on our website at www.instantnowhere.com.

As the website subscription is not fully in place yet the INK House Studios artists will be putting excerpts of all the magazines (like the picture above), onto the blogs for you to view for free courtesy of the 'Instant Nowhere Kulture' team at 'Instant Nowhere Korporation Ltd'.

                                                                                                         By Arnie Canoe