How the stars relax Part 12: Paris Hilton

I'm a piece of string

Paris Hilton, Pin thin spindle necked skeleton, and the humanoid version of a walking concentration camp, likes to relax by laying on the floor very still pretending to be a piece of string.

By Roland Barnacle

Beauty Tips Part 1: Sienna Miller

The scribbling dribbling simpleton

Here we have a great beauty tip for all you women out there who feel that you need that slight edge when you are attempting to attract a male or female companion.

The beauty tip is straight from the highly talented repertoire of actress/model 'Sienna Miller'.

In 'Sienna Miller' you have a woman with all the acting range of a freshly peeled spud, and a modelling portfolio containing images similar in look to that of being dragged through a hedge backwards, whilst wild boars try and gouge your tiny belt hole like eyes out of your pasty, tepid looking face.

So as you can appreciate 'Sienna Miller' is more than qualified for this job at hand.

The name of this look is called 'The scribbling dribbling simpleton', and this is how you can achieve it:

Firstly, using only red and black permanent chubby marker pens, in a childlike fashion the individual must scrawl inanely like a simpleton gone diddle, to accentuate the contours of the face, and thus giving the eyes that stand out quality all women need when they attempt to attract male or female attention. 

Secondly, and most importantly, you must learn how to stare in a longing fashion for hours on end, as this is the key to looking like an extremely empty vessel in need of filling up by either a male or a female. This is best achieved by staring into a mirror, shop window, or even the window of a moving vehicle.

I do hope this beauty tip has been of some help to you, and our gracious thanks amidst stifled laughter go to 'Sienna Miller' for sharing one of her fantastic tried and tested beauty tips.

                                                                                                        By Arnie Canoe