Celebrity Binman Part 2: Carole Malone

I'm Zelda from the Terrahawks

Here we have part two of the game "Celebrity Binman", a game which you can play from the comfort of your very own Charles Dickens armchair, or massively out of shape Thomas the Tank Engine bean bag. To play you must be a subscriber to our website, this way you will be able to cast a vote from the list of potential victims..er I mean participants.

Part one saw the silver haired squeak "Philip Schofield" chosen to endure a week of gruelling twelve hour shifts at the mercy of not only the binmen themselves, but the grime of the nation. By the end of the week "Mr Schofield" was as limp as a Vicars handbag, and babbling incoherently like a backwater simpleton. All in all a resounding success I think you will agree.

For part two of "Celebrity Binman" we see that the good ole subscribers have chosen that foul minded old crone "Carole Malone" to participate in "Celebrity Binman". Looking like "Zelda" from eighties sci-fi puppet drama "Terrahawks", and with all the personal appeal of a flea ridden, urine stinking cat that has just decided to throw up a football sized hairball encrusted with stomach bile, mice skulls, and half digested cat food, "Carole Malone" is clearly a worthy choice for this role. And with no resounding talent in any way, shape or form, no better choice could have been made for this months game.

The location for "Carole Malone" to spend a week of gruelling twelve hour shifts as a "Celebrity Binman" is deep in the heart of the East end of London amidst a backdrop of dark cockney drum and bass, Jack the Ripper style Masonic slashings, drugged up alleyway bum bashings, and sky vomit wipeouts. The binmen will take the horrible old bastard "Carole Malone", who incidentally used to be "Peter Cushings" stunt double for a short time, around some of the most disgusting areas they can find in an attempt to get "Zelda" closer to her natural self.

No attempt will be made at any time to pander to the whingeing, crying, pleading for mercy or multiple breakdowns that may ensue as the week goes on for this months "Celebrity Binman" choice "Carole Malone".

And so there we have it. This months choice to spend a week as a "Celebrity Binman" is that hideous, repugnant old cretin "Carole Malone". Stay tuned to find out the outcome of this game next time on "Celebrity Binman".


For more savage celebrity satire, odd one out, political humour, only a handful of people exist, how the stars relax, walking corporate billboards, the may faces of Victoria Beckham, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your thighs to an Instant Nowhere Kulture.



Written by Roland Barnacle

Missing Boiled Egg Poster

This poster is a plea to all the good natured members of the public out there to help find my son's missing boiled egg.

All of our family have been frantically looking for over a week now, and we are becoming increasingly concerned as the weather is quite chilly at the moment, especially at night time, and we really do not want our son's boiled egg catching a cold or worst still being eaten by a fox.

We really cannot understand how the boiled egg was able to disappear from our son's power rangers egg cup in the first place as we were all only momentarily distracted from the table by our neighbour "Jim Jim" who was outside on his front lawn wrestling with his pet pig called "Sandra". This lasted for only 5 minutes at the most, yet when we turned back to the kitchen table the boiled egg was gone.

The police understandably are very busy at the moment, and they have really tried to be patient with our plight, but have found it almost impossible not to become aggressive with us resulting in the use of pepper spray, and rubber bullets being used on us as we keep constantly bombarding them with our idiotic theories on who could have taken our son's boiled egg.

One of our theories is that Satanic overlords have kidnapped the boiled egg for their blood curdling rituals. Another of our theories is that Mrs Miggins from No:9 sneaked in and stole the boiled egg on her mobility scooter to fill her own gluttonous stomach.

Whatever the reason we just want our son's missing boiled egg back in his power rangers egg cup, right next to his bread soldiers, which incidentally are really stale and crunchy at this moment in time.

If anybody can help please contact your local Crimestoppers helpline, or you can contact us directly on the address below.

Many thanks for your time

Mrs Beryl Blanket
1210 Semolina Court
The Witchfinder General Estate
Just left of Towering Inferno alleyway
Behind the burnt out Renault
The house with a rusty steel door
Careful of the Rottweiler
That's it right beside the Council tip


For more ludicrous missing posters, fake letters, news just in, how the stars relax, celebrity binman, only a handful of people exist, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your nostrils to an Instant Nowhere Alternative Universe.


Collage poster by Arnie Canoe

Written by Roland Barnacle

Walking Labia Part 2: Meg Ryan

Are you interested in having bionic legs?

Here we have a perfect example of a patient straight from the corridors of the Baron Frankenstein school of plastic surgery with a 'trout pout' that looks more like a labia than a mouth.

'Meg Ryan' along with many other actors, and actresses have succumbed to the notion that by having grotesque plastic surgery, lips the size of rubber rings, and other surgical procedures such as the 'Cranial twizzle', and a recently developed technique called the 'Non-surgical chin slap', that they are prolonging their careers for an infinite number of years. This is clearly nonsense.

The movie industry as well as the music industry, only has a need for a mind controlled slave that will mindlessly promote, advertise, and take part in the Illuminated Industries sinister agenda without question. These Illuminated individuals could not give a rats cock what moronic vegetables like 'Meg Ryan' look like so long as they serve their masters.

So what next for people like 'Meg Ryan'?

What if the newly promoted Illuminated accessory for all the fake plasticated mind slaves in Hollywood was to have false legs? No need for airbrushing photos. No more cellulite. No more fat. The false legs could be bionic making jumping through dense thorny hedges, and over really tall brick walls a walk in the park. All that would be required would be the removal of your own legs, and $100'000 of your Corporate shill money for a set of bionic legs, and a month in the Baron Frankenstein school of plastic surgery. Then the work would just roll in like never before...unless the Illuminated Industry decide you are past your sell by date that is.


For more savage celebrity satire, ludicrous political humour, walking labia, music by The Harridans, assorted artwork, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your thigh's to an Instant Nowhere Alternative Universe.


Written by Roland Barnacle






 

How The Stars Relax Part 20: Des O'Connor



I love whistling inane tunes

Des o'connor, cryogenically frozen mahogany sideboard, and whistler of innane tunes, likes to relax by getting pissed up on cooking sherry and racing around his garden using his very own NASA designed Jetpack.


For more how the stars relax, celebrity binman, monthly piece of shit, only a handful of people exist, odd one out, political satire, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your armpits to an Instant Nowhere Kultural Universe.


Written by Roland Barnacle

FRAUD: Lady GaGa

Puppet of the illuminated record industry 'Lady GaGa' is seen here with what looks like a halo behind her MK ULTRA blasted mind. Her vacuous expression which is an attempt to look serene, just ends up looking like an oxygen starved halibut that has just flapped onto dry land.

Lady GaGa's stage act, videos, songs, and public appearances are riddled with symbolism, and ritualistic elements of the Illuminati. Her outrageous costumes very often show that what we are dealing with here is somebody who is clearly a shell manipulated into dancing to somebody else's tune altogether whether she likes it or not.

FRAUD, sums up not only this lobotomised freak, but also the fake and superficial illuminated record industry that has perverted all that was once great about music, and turned it into nothing more than a freakshow for the talentless.


For more surreal short stories, music by The Harridans, only a handful of people exist, walking corporate billboards, magazines, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your toe nails to an Instant Nowhere Kultural Universe.


Image by Arnie Canoe

Written by Roland Barnacle

The Stepford Robots

What are those humans looking at?

Here we have the stepford versions of the Scientology mind blanks 'Tom Cruise' and 'Katie Holmes', and the voice for Sooty and Sweep 'David Beckham' with his favourite piece of plastic garden furniture 'Victoria Beckham'.

Unfortunately due to poor programming these four robotic clones are incapable of relating to human beings, and therefore cannot quite grasp why they are continuously being photographed, asked to star in corporate commercials and movies, asked to front Olympic campaigns and brain spanking cults like Scientology, and constantly handed their own brands of products to sell from clothing to toiletries, when all four of them have been given an inability to be genetically talented in any conceivable manner.

This is because the select few have no need to be talented.

As the saying goes 'Blood is thicker than water', so when you are part of the family a lack of talent or intellect does not need to be a hurdle to stop an individual getting on in life.


For more savage celebrity satire, reptilian updates, reptilian diaries, royal mutations, only a handful of people exist, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your ego to an Instant Nowhere Universe.


Image by Arnie Canoe

Written by Roland Barnacle

Poster For 'The Vinyl Junkies' Club

Here we have a poster for a club to be held down at INK House Studios specifically for all you vinyl junkies out there (Big Swell this includes you as well).

The club is called strangely enough 'The Vinyl Junkies', and will allow people to bring a selection of their vinyl down each week, which we will then play, listen to, enjoy (hopefully), and talk about if there is anything to talk about of course.

When I say vinyl by the way I don't mean flooring, so for all you vinyl flooring junkies out there A) This is not the club for you  B) This is not the club for you.

All musical interests are welcome, however here is a brief idea of the types of music we here at INK House Studios enjoy listening to: Krautrock, Free jazz, Industrial, Electronic, All forms of improvisational music, Psychedelic rock, Blues, Small particles of country music (Johnny Cash), NO COMMERCIAL CHART MUSIC, Avant-Garde, All forms of Minimalist music, Proper Hip Hop (not Jay'z or Dr Dre), Funk, and all of Sir Elton John's musical output...Not really that was just a joke, a bit like Sir Elton's feral wig weave. Hopefully the above list will prevent somebody turning up with the back catalogue of 'Des o'connor', or something equally as painful.

That being said the club is open to everyone, but you must leave your ego at the door, and your pretentious overcoat in the downstairs cupboard to avoid embarrassment.

All details including times, dates, and price (which will be minimal) will be available shortly via our website, social media sites, and local advertising.


For more information on the above, along with all other events visit our website at www.instantnowhere.com and divulge your inner cravings to an Instant Nowhere Kultural Universe.


Poster by Arnie Canoe

Written by Roland Barnacle




   

May's Monthly Piece Of Shit: Foreign Secretary William Hague

I'm a gurning testicle

Here we have the May edition, as chosen by our collaborators at INK House Studio's, of our section titled 'Monthly piece of shit'.

For the month of May the verdict was unanimous.

'William Jefferson Hague' was the clear winner.


Of all the insipid, vile, loathsome, warmongering, bloodthirsty, evil, and shiny bonced little illuminated turds to roll from the masonic gutter of life, William Hague is clearly the leader of them all.

Born from the chance meeting of two borderline simpletons at an imaginary local village barn dance deep in the heart of 'Cuntsville', and looking like a cross between 'Homepride Fred' without his Bowler Hat on, and Lord Longfords recently exhumed corpse, William Hague has all the undead looks to see him through an outstandingly normal career in politics.

Even from an early age it was clear that this sickly little 'Tory Boy' was destined to crawl around the floors of Whitehall, like a pathetic worm desperate to undermine, devalue, preach fake morality, and patronise from up high on his lame rocking horse, the working class backbone of this Country, like some kind of pure of spirit, balding despot messiah.

To have the nerve to preach morality, and good ole family values, to the decent and honest members of the great British public, when behind closed doors this sinister shit pond spews double standards by not only deciding that the best way to prove that his views on good ole family values are heart felt and honest, is to advocate the carpet bombing of innocent civilians in Libya, so that they can be liberated from a illuminated placeman who was allowed to cruelly dictate over them for over thirty years before reaching his sell by date, but to also become embroiled in a situation with a work colleague that implies potentially that the 'family values' preached by this gurning testicle, are yet more examples of monstrous hypocrisy and filthy lies that make the mind boggle.

As if preaching double standards and being a cretinous little hypocrite wasn't enough to get under the skins of the great British public, this monumental mind blank puppet placeman, amidst a manufactured recession designed to not only create an even bigger divide between the working class and the higher echelons of the aristocratic upper class, thus forcing us all even closer towards a global meltdown with a far more sinister long term agenda, decides to tell us all to 'Stop complaining', and to 'Work harder' to solve this manufactured issue which should not be happening in the first place.

I have a better idea William Jefferson Hague.

Firstly why don't you work a bit harder on your own personal morality issues for a start before preaching to others, as currently you are devoid of any moral values whatsoever.

Secondly why don't you work a bit harder at actually trying to become a normal human being, and one that has a natural ability to empathise with all living things, because at present your lack of empathy is appalling.

Thirdly get a wig weave like Wayne Rooney (this may enable you to not look so much like a testicle trying to squeeze out of a shirt collar).

And lastly if you don't have the spine to try any of the above due to your inherent arrogance, and clear hatred for humanity, you may as well just fuck off back to the inbred village you were first fired out from like the loose piece of buck toothed, bald headed, web footed, special brew intoxicated, cabbage patch doll jizzum that you are you parasitic arse bomb.


And so there we have our 'Monthly piece of shit' for May 'Mr William Jefferson Hague' as chosen by our collaborators at INK House Studios.


For more monthly piece of shit, how the stars relax, only a handful of people exist, savage celebrity satire, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe yourself to an Instant Nowhere Alternative Universe.



Written by Roland Barnacle

Twat Magazine's 'We Are Normal' Part 2

Captain Black with blow up doll

Here we have two of the most nauseating individuals known to modern day science, in an excerpt from 'Twat' magazines monthly section entitled 'We are Normal'.

With more diva like tantrums, shit encrusted tiaras, chubby necked shirt squeezing, living dead personalities, and face fakery than you can shake a stick at, Sir Elton John and his butler have it all.

The problem is that this couple of rejects from the Baron Frankenstein school of plastic surgery, actually walk amongst mankind as if they fit in alongside humanity without anybody even noticing.

It's as if Sir Elton John and his Butler believe themselves to look like normal human being's?

Anybody can see that this cannot be the case when this couple of Gothic like golems loosely resemble the look of pre cambrian mollusc's fresh from some kind of primordial soup swimathon. And with a music back catalogue so prehistoric and outdated that even the most modern carbon dating techniques are unable to tell from which piss pool of a century Sir Elton john's music crawled from out of it really is difficult to know how it is possible for them to be where they are today..wherever indeed that is?

Even Sir Elton John's woven head looks like it has had a titanic fight with a bale of hay, four savage Badgers, and a wagon full of half pissed 'Des O'Connor impersonators. As for the butler's hair just five minutes with some good ole fashioned boot polish seems to have done the trick quite nicely.


For more savage celebrity satire, fake news reports, ludicrous short stories, magazines, surreal lyrics, cut-up lyrics, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Alternative Universe.



Written by Roland Barnacle

Image supplied by Arnie Canoe

The Baron Frankenstein School Of Plastic Surgery

The Baron Frankenstein School of Plastic Surgery has all the answers to your superficial facial concerns.

As you can imagine the woman above would lead a life of misery due to the fact that she has the face of two painted children instead of two eyes, a nose, and a mouth. But for only £150 this lady is able to transform her face into something altogether more socially acceptable, and alluring to the opposite sex, saving her from the pain of living her life like that of a social leper and a freak.

Surgical techniques available for £150 are as follows:


1) The cranial knee stretch

2) Rosy cheek bleaching (for the arse also)

3) Nose brow configuring

4) Ear sculpting

5) Dr Chisels elbow tightener

6) The floundering Trout mouth


So for only £150 you too could transform your life with the help of our highly skilled, and CRB checked Romanian surgeons who, due to Government visa restrictions, will only be available for a short period of time before deportation.

Remember, The Baron Frankenstein School of Plastic Surgery can change your life from that of a socially inept reject, into a Hollywoodised stepford biped, and all for the price of a cheap night out with one of the cast from Holby City.

So go on....Transform your life at The Baron Frankenstein School of Plastic Surgery.


For more comic strips, fake news reports, surreal short stories, cut-up writing, prose, poetry, abstract paintings, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Parallel Universe.


Collage by Arnie Canoe

Written by  Roland Barnacle

Freaky Fashion Part 2

We are fashion icons

Oh dear! It looks like the Beckham's have gone a bit too far with their constant changing of freaky fashion styles, and ever changing hair cuts.

This image shows Victoria sporting the muzzle of a big cat which by all accounts is very much in this season, as well as the surgically attached eyes of another sorry individual who probably didn't need a pair of eyes anyway.

As for David, well this Bobby Charlton styled peroxide flick gives him the look of a reject from shat munchers Take That, and yet again a set of surgically attached eyes from yet another random stranger really does add to this mutated freaky fashion look.

Strangely enough nobody seems to be paying a blind bit of notice to this couple of mind spanked individuals, and this could be due to the fact that either nobody gives a flying arse spurt about them, or alternatively that nobody gives a flying arse spurt about them.

Whatever people think about this couple of bum twigs, the fact remains that, regardless of what people may think, they are still both in the eyes of INK Ltd a couple of bum twigs.


For more surreal celebrity satire, freaky fashion, royal mutations, cut-up lyrics, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your colon to an Instant Nowhere Kulture.


Collage by Arnie Canoe

Written by Roland Barnacle

'Twat' Magazines Diamond Jubilee Issue



Here we have a first glimpse of the front cover for the Diamond jubilee issue of 'Twat' magazine.

Whilst mindless revellers dowse themselves with lashings of peasant subservience, amidst the glare of a towering display of disgusting monarchic wealth, pompous Babylonian ceremony, and royalist power, 'Twat' magazine dissects, dismantles, and flips a colossal middle finger to the hereditary royal Germanic inbreds, and all who kneel to them.


For more reptilian updates, reptilian diaries, collage artwork, magazines, ridiculous satire, surreal short stories, cut-up writing, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Universe.


Collage by Arnie Canoe

Written by Roland Barnacle

How The Stars Relax Part 19: Julia Roberts

I'm a human hat pin

Julia Roberts, rubber mouthed human hat pin, and professor of Astro stupidity, likes to relax by pushing discarded shopping trolleys into ornate ponds.



For more ridiculous celebrity satire, fake news reports, surreal short stories, magazines, comic strips, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Universe.


Written by Roland Barnacle

Pitch Noises And Watching

Here we have a collage containing two of the most vile creatures ever to slide across the earth: The Clinton's.

The mix of a PVC clad woman, coupled with two Satan worshipping scum posing as good, clean, and wholesome Christians with blood oozing from their eyes, is to highlight the seedy underpinnings behind the fake front portrayed by this foul couple of illuminated mass murderers, and globalist puppets.

When mindless, war mongering reptoids, like the Clinton's are portrayed as this clean cut image of devout religious content, with a love of peace, and desire to help humanity, it really becomes clear quite quickly that the globalist P.R. machine serving this bile up really is in need of a total overhaul by means of a very, very, large hammer.


For more abstract artwork, collage images, music by The Harridans, magazines, and savage celebrity satire, visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Kulture.


Collage by Heston Quiff

Written by Roland Barnacle

How the stars relax part 18: Sir Paul McCartney

I'm a Swiss cheese arse bender



Sir Paul McCartney, Swiss cheese arse bender, and false leg ventriloquist, likes to relax by covering himself in seaweed, and terrorising small children pretending to be a sea monster.


For more ridiculous stories, savage celebrity satire, abstract artwork, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Kulture.


Written by Roland Barnacle

The many faces of Victoria Beckham: Part 4

Tartan Misery

Here we have another long awaited instalment of 'The many faces of Victoria Beckham'.

With a jaw line similar to that of an anorexic shovel frequently used by burly men to dig huge footings for colossal houses, and a vacuous pout similar to that of a recently butchered halibut, Victoria's incredible array of modelling poses are a serious force to be reckoned with by any of today's standards.

Tartan Misery is one of Victoria's favourite looks, and you will very often find her sporting this look when doing photo shoots for numb brained magazines full of celebrity hierarchical bloodlines, and fashion shoots at local council recycling centres.


For more dissections of celebrity squit, and other ludicrous nonsense visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your mind plank to an Instant Nowhere Kulture.


Written by Roland Barnacle

Missing Favourite Sofa Poster

This poster is a plea to anybody who may be able to help in my attempt to find our favourite sofa which has been missing for well over a week now.

Our sofa was last seen in our living room at home, and was happily being lounged on by our cat called 'Branflake', and our Dachshund 'Officer Dibbles'.

Myself and my family are unsure of what happened next as we were busy playing 'Hide the bucket' in our back garden with our neighbours Mr and Mrs Chin, but on our return to our living room, ready to watch a repeat of 'The Crystal Maze' on challenge TV, we noticed our favourite (only) sofa was nowhere to be seen.

For days we searched our estate, whistling and calling out our sofa's name (which incidentally is Derek) in the hope he may appear from around a corner, or out from under a bridge somewhere..but alas he did not.

An eyewitness has come forward and said that he noticed a sofa matching the same description getting into the back of a removal truck, but as yet no removal company has come forward to confirm this sighting, and the eyewitness is now back on curfew making it difficult to follow up.

Both myself, and my family have spoken to the police on a number of occasions about our missing sofa Derek, but unfortunately we are reluctant to speak with them again as the pepper spray really does play havoc with my sinuses, and our boy 'Jub' is already on his last warning for breaking into an ice cream van last summer.

So if there is anybody out there who knows anything, or knows anybody who may be able to help us if you could please contact 'Crimestoppers', or alternatively you can contact us directly on the details below.

Many thanks:

Mr and Mrs Slazenger De Void
18 Lower Fridge Lane
The Combine Harvester Estate
East of Dudley ring road
First left past the burning tyres
Ignore the Wicker man
Straight ahead
That's it right next to the grain silo


For more surreal short stories, savage celebrity satire, music by the Harridans, and bizarre comic strips visit www.instantnowhere.com and submerge yourself into an Instant Nowhere Kulture.


Collage poster by Arnie Canoe

Written by Roland Barnacle

Modified Chaney's Slaughter Appendix

Cut-Up and Sausages

The above cut-up piece of writing is a combination of two separate pieces of work from the files of Roland Barnacles 'News Just In' body of work.

I have spliced the two pieces together in a way that is meant to reflect the angular way that Roland writes, and puts together his work.

'News Just In' is a ridiculous, surreal, and at times pointless collection of fake news reports,  put together and reported exactly as any real news report would do. The two pieces of Roland's work I have chosen are 'Lon Chaney's Gibbering Appendix', and 'Genetically Modified Slaughter'. Both are equally as ludicrous and therefore work really well together.

As for the choice of image to obscure the text ever so slightly, this was chosen by Arnie Canoe simply because he really likes sausages even more than a dog does.


For more cut-up writings, poetry, prose, surreal short stories, and much more go to www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Kut-Up Universe.


Cut-up by Spartacus Mole

Written work supplied by Roland Barnacle

Image chosen by Arnie Canoe (had to put this otherwise he would have sulked)










 

Savages in need of salvation

Who really needs saving?

Who are the savages in need of salvation...?

What we are indoctrinated to believe is a reality so false that everyday each and every one of us wakes up to participate in a staged show propped up by an underpinning of hideous lies of universal proportions.

The children in the image exist in their reality oblivious of other parallel existences running alongside their own. They are carefree and harming nobody.

Yet time and time again other more sinister individuals feel the need to control another persons existence, even though they have no right to, and this more often than not leads to bloodshed, misery, and even death.

So who are the savages in need of salvation...?


For more on the alternative Kultural output from the creative hub at INK House Studios visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to our alternative kultural universe.


Written by Roland Barnacle

Collage artwork by Heston Quiff

New NHS reforms poster

 

 

We care for your health

Here we have the new poster for the NHS after the newly proposed reforms have been implemented.

As you can see there will no longer be any need for a Hospital bed as an old chair, preferably recycled from a skip will be required. This will help to save cash, and this will also help to do our bit to combat Global warming which really does exist, and is not made up at all by the Globalists.

The recovery position is to be replaced by the 'Reclining' position and is quite simply the dumping of an individual into an armchair, settee, deckchair, or beanbag so they can recover in their own time. This will enable Hospital staff to get on with looking for another job as they won't be needed in the long term due to high patient mortality rates.

As you can see the reforms are for the greater good, and it is about time we realised that the Government really does have our best interests at heart.


For more steaming piles of bullshit, and thick layers of sarcasm visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Kulture. 


Written by Roland Barnacle

Collage artwork by Arnie Canoe