The Adventures Of Pincer Boy

On a daily basis
Come rain
Or shine
Neil would sneak off
Like an incompetent ninja
Into his purpose built
Bat cave style lair
Which was in fact
A disused
Anderson shelter
full of cobwebs
Crusty paint brushes
And old pots
Of hardened paint
And not in the slightest bit
Purpose built
So he could put on
Whilst listening to
The theme from 'The Professionals' 
Which would be blaring out
And at least
An octave lower
Than the original theme
Due to failing batteries
And internal corrosion
From an old ghetto blaster
with single tape deck function
His 'Mask of Fear'
That was actually
A brown paper bag
With the eyes and mouth
Crudely cut out
And 'Pincer Boy' gloves
That had been made
Using an old pair
Of 'Power Rangers' socks
Enabling Neil
To be ready
For another round
Of scaring the shit
Out of his neighbours
And any
Unsuspecting
Passers by
With his alter ego
'Pincer Boy'
The boy
With Pincers
For hands
And his fearsome
Mask
Of fear


For more comic strips, drawings, surreal short stories, T-shirt designs, cut-up writing, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Alternative Universe.


Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

Written by Tommy Dandruff

Transistor Man

No matter where he goes
No Matter what he does
No matter what he says
No matter what he thinks
Transistor Man
Can always
Be heard
Blaring out
His favourite songs
From out of
His surgically attached
Transistor Radio
With single tape deck
Function


For more surreal short stories, comic strips, abstract paintings, collage artwork, T-shirt designs, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and immerse yourself into an Instant Nowhere Kulture.


Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

Written by Tommy Dandruff

The Special Brew Mix Up

On a daily basis
Brian Marigold Clog Esq
The mixed up
Dickensian fop
With urinating
Genetically modified
Pet thing
Would confuse
Every greeting
Conversation
Gesture
Or foul mouthed
Obscenity
As purely
Being aimed
At him
This would
Very often
Result in Brian
Being man handled
Rather roughly
Like a dirty dish cloth
Or a cage fighting Priest
And
On occasions
Would result
In Brian
Being unceremoniously
Tarred and feathered
On lonely housing estates
Chased by hordes
Of flame carrying
Numb nuts
These unfortunate
Incidents
Happen
Purely because
In Brian's world
There existed
Only one
Person
And that person
Was Brian
Marigold
Clog
Esq
Nothing
And nobody else
Existed



For more drawings, comic strips, collage artwork, and abstract paintings visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Kultural Universe.


Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

Written by Tommy Dandruff

The Harridan waffle irons: Part 2

Inane mutterings and chatterings

As Vodka Vera
Waffled on feverishly
Like an out of control train
Driven by a drunken monkey
About poor ole Betty Turbans
Exploding varicose veins
Gladys Brush started to sway
Almost intoxicated
By Vodka Vera's 90% proof
Breath of a thousand
Dead animals
Desperately
Gladys tried to compose herself
Nodding inanely
Eyes staring vacant
Like a cabbage patch doll
Gladys managed
To fire off
A quick succession of replies
Even though
She wasn't paying
The slightest bit of attention
To a single word
Vodka Vera
Was gibbering on about
Which was probably
Due to the fact
That poor ole Gladys
Was quite literally
Pissed
As a fart



For more comic strips, abstract artwork, T-shirt designs, surreal collage, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Kultural Universe.


Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

Written By Tommy Dandruff

Dance Merry Plankton: Part 1

Merry Plankton learns how to dance

Mr Red hand pointed his fake plastic gun
Directly at Merry Plankton's heart
His pointed teeth clenched tightly
As he told Merry Plankton to dance for his life
Merry Plankton jumped into the air
In a rather ungainly fashion 
And clicked his pin thin heels together
Suddenly
As the sound waves reached the ground
From Merry Plankton's heel click
Soaking quickly into the solid concrete
To a sub atomic level
The floor underneath him started to move
Shimmering like weeping stars as it did
Ripples slowly started to appear
Then waves began rolling sideways
Like a huge concrete tsunami
And in no time at all
Merry Plankton was body surfing
To the tune of 'Surfing USA' by the Beach Boys
Blaring in his head
Down the road
At a ridiculous speed
Using Mr Red Hand
As a Bondi beach manufactured 
Half-human
Surf board


For more comic strips, magazines, abstract artwork, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Kulture.


Written by Tommy Dandruff

Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

The Harridan waffle irons: Part 1

Inane waffle and dribblings

As Valerie Snatch waffled
Like a smacked out rhino
All mouth foam and head bobble
Her neighbour Brenda Bunion
Shell shocked by the verbal barrage
Could only nod in agreement
And answer
Out of politeness
Even though
She hadn't the faintest clue
Or idea
Of what the fuck Valerie 
Was actually talking about



For more comic strips, magazines, abstract artwork, music, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to our Instant Nowhere Universe.



Written by Tommy Dandruff

Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

Graham's tweed shirt seizure

Oh Jeez..not another seizure...

As Julia shuffled slowly towards her husband Graham
Wearing a brand new
All in one
Over head dress
Topped off by a Dennis Healey eyebrow face mask
It all became
Far too much for poor ole Graham
To deal with
He gently started to raise up
Onto tip toes
His red tie began to flap
The tweed shirt Graham was wearing started quivering under his tank top
He started to gently dribble
And as his eyes started to roll in their sockets
Graham started to gently mutter "Oh jeez...not another seizure"
Over
And over
And over
Again
Until exhaustion
Caused him to collapse
Onto the bedroom floor
Face down
Amongst Julia's
Lacey
Underwear


This drawing was created in winter 2003 along with a few other drawings and comic strips.

I very rarely use colour in my drawings, and tend to keep things very black and white, except for maybe the odd splash of red here and there.


To view more drawings, comic strips, and many other forms of artwork visit INK Ltd's website at www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Kulture.



Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

Bella's horrid Birthday cake

Bella was only seconds away from a tantrum

Here we have the morbidly obese, seriously spoilt, and never satisfied brat child Bella on the day of her Birthday.

As per usual the huge cake is not enough for this gluttonous young girls demands, and it is only a matter of time until a severe tantrum ensues in which Bella will not only demolish the cake, but all of her family and friends who are nervously singing "Happy Birthday" in the corner of the room.

All the cakes and toys in the world will never satisfy a grotesque child like Bella.

So what could make this monster child happy?


By Charlie Cornflake

Gatecrashing Golem

Golem 4 

Here we have a mindless Golem crashing into the middle of a black and white comic strip.

The Golems stitched up mouth only enables it to make muffled 'Gark' and 'Gronk' noises as it hurtles like a cabbage patch missile through the middle of this scene.

We all know what it is like to have our lives disturbed by thick, unintelligible morons, mindlessly and quite randomly gatecrashing into our everyday lives without a thought for the individuals they are disturbing.

The above image is one that we can all relate to, and will happen even more frequently as the Golems start to spread across the Earth like the worlds dumbest man made virus.


By Arnie Canoe

Colin and the Balloon

Balloon too strong for me

Here we see poor Colin struggling to control the immense pulling power of the balloon.

With his pin thin puny arms and weak state of mind, Colin is unable to gather enough strength to stop him being dragged away to another land.

This drawing is actually a cut out that has been placed onto a piece of plain paper.

'Colin' is a character that crops up in some of my comic strips, and these along with many other artworks, short stories, poetry, magazines, and savage celebrity satire will soon be available to subscribe to on the INK Ltd website: www.instantnowhere.com


By Charlie Cornflake

Freaky fashion week: Part 1

Strike a pose style icons

Straight from the fashion shows of Milan we have three fantastic examples of the high end brilliance in design, style, and modelling beauty that the fashion world can bring to the high street.

From left to right we start with 'Dog face tranquilliser girl'.

'Dog face tranquilliser girl' is sporting two completely different legs which is a really new and innovative look for this seasons followers of the ridiculous, as it requires the model to have a leg of choice amputated and swapped with a fellow amputee ready for sewing back on to finish this moronic look.

The dark blue denim dress was actually made from a discarded pair of John Wayne's dusty old cowboy trousers. The trousers required a week in quarantine before any human hands were able to transform this huge flatulent pair of cowboy trousers, into something equally as shite as they were before.

As for the face mask and head dress, both of these were grafted on during a black magic ritual whilst deep in the heart of the Amazon jungle, and enable the wearer to not only pass out from lack of oxygen, but to feel anxious and very claustrophobic at all times.

In the centre we have 'Cliff Evans Lady boy'.

'Cliff Evans Lady boy' is wearing a flouncy red dress that was very kindly made by a blind midget called 'Miggle'. The fabric for the dress was originally white, but 'Miggle' decided that it must be red, and so promptly bled himself over the dress using a bread knife until severe blood loss caused him to pass out. 

The sandals were created by weaving horse hair, some old rope, magic beans, and a toupee previously worn by 'Punch and Judy's' love child 'Bruce Forsyth' to form the hideous shape. A process of heavy steaming was finally applied to produce this anorak wearer style of sandals.

Finally we have 'Lulu brain disease cat'.

'Lulu brain disease cat' is looking rather stretched in this fabulous pair of trousers recently stolen from 'Dale Winton's' washing line. The white blouse is a simple addition and was lovingly made from a bed sheet by tailor to the stars 'Lionel ritchie' after he had arrived back from a lengthy expedition in which he sailed solo around the world in a wooden thimble

The bed sheet material was found in a recently vacated crack den, and required two months of radioactive exposure to kill the strong stench of humanity gone wrong from within it. The material was then stroked rather vigorously by the cast of 'Les Miserables' to give it that wafting air of operatic twit, and then finally ironed rather flat by a steam roller which was steered rather badly by a horse called 'Simon'. 

So there you have three great example's of high end Milan fashion. Be on the look out for part two of this exciting new fashion range from the streets of fashion's capital.


By Arnie Canoe

Private Bullhorn on parade

Late for parade again

This drawing is very old and was drawn whilst very bored at work many moons ago.

The yellow discolouring adds to the drawing in some ways giving it more character and depth.

I really do not know why the character of the 'Sargeant' came out the way he did. It is almost as if his head is like some kind of claw, which is really quite odd, and slightly surreal.

By Charlie Cornflake

Fat lad and the Witch Doctor

Behold the gluttonous retch of a lad

This drawing is about the fat lad's attempt to cure his morbid obesity using the magical spells of the Witch Doctor.

The idea behind this drawing is to highlight the lengths some people will go to in order to solve a personal issue of which will power is usually all that is needed in the first place.

By Charlie Cornflake

Fat lad and the Birthday cake

The gluttonous youth

This drawing is about the total lack of will power, ability to share and self-control that some individuals have in their lives.

The sweat pouring down the fat puddings face, as well as the saliva dribbling from under his enormous jowls visually shows the immense strain that the gluttonous youth is under as he tries to keep his greedy mitts off the enormous Birthday cake on the table.

There is no way the fat pudding will share the Birthday cake with anyone even though there is more than enough to go around. He wants it all to himself and consequently is a perfect example of how greed rules many individuals on this planet.

                                                                                                        By Charlie Cornflake

Would You Trade Your Body For Theirs 1: Joe Bubble

Would you ditch your sex life for telepathy?

With the continual bombardment from the mainstream media telling us how we should look, we thought that we would highlight the people who don't look right and ask you the reader:

Would you trade your body for theirs?

This particular mutant is called Joe Bubble, and he has a second brain in his oversized nose. This creature is part of Joe, but allows him to connect to the internet, read other people's thoughts and even control other people's actions at will. Although this unsightly lump with a face is blessed with extra perceptory gifts, the way it looks is too sickening for the Hollywood A-list wannabes out there.

So think have a think about it and let us know the answer to the ageless question:

Would you trade your body for theirs?

Send your reply to:

Lieutenant-Colonel Bodysnatcher
15 Creosote Avenue
Wymondham
Norfolk
NR5 9AS

Dipstick and the Brat

Ha!Ha!Ha! You little shit!

This drawing is based on a situation I witnessed many years ago now.

The little girl in the picture was a total brat and clearly spoilt.

And judging by the behaviour of the adult towards her it was quite clear to see why the little girl acted the way she did.

She obviously had the perfect role model.

                                                                                                        By Charlie Cornflake

Image from 'Twat' magazine: Issue 1

This picture is taken from the magazine called 'Twat' which is put together by INK House Studio artists Heston Quiff, Charlie Cornflake, Ronnie Raygun, and yours truly Arnie Canoe.

The magazine will be subscription only and is an assortment of obscure imagery, along with very striped down collage pictures, basic drawings and random cut-up text.

'Twat' magazine also has a 'Sister' magazine called 'Tosspot'. This will also be subscription based and is put together by the INK House Studio artists as part of the 'Instant Nowhere Kulture' artistic output team at 'Instant Nowhere Korporation Ltd'.

Where as 'Twat' magazine is more of a striped down affair 'Tosspot' is a more kaleidoscopic, collage based dismantling of banal women's magazines, and lads mags such as 'Loaded', and 'FHM'. It then mixes them together resulting in the psychedelic mish mash that is 'Tosspot'.

Other magazines produced by INK House Studios in conjunction with the 'Instant Nowhere Kulture' team are: Jap's Eye, and Underdog. Both of these will also be available by subscription details of which will be available shortly on our website at www.instantnowhere.com.

As the website subscription is not fully in place yet the INK House Studios artists will be putting excerpts of all the magazines (like the picture above), onto the blogs for you to view for free courtesy of the 'Instant Nowhere Kulture' team at 'Instant Nowhere Korporation Ltd'.

                                                                                                         By Arnie Canoe

                                                                                    

Vacant Cabbages

Mindless Golems 3

As the vaccuous garbage that is 'Celebrity Big Brother' pollutes the minds of the masses once again with a programme format that can only be described as a 'Disneyland Concentration Camp For The Pathologically Stupid', it is quite clear to see that the rise of the 'Golems' in all their thick, moronic glory is drawing closer by the day!

                                                                                                  By Arnie Canoe

The many faces of 'Victoria Beckham': Face 1

Cellular Loneliness

This image of 'Victoria Beckham' is one of many that clearly shows the huge array of  diverse, creative, and stylish poses that she possesses in her amazing modelling repertoire.

The above picture in particular was carefully squeezed out of 'Victoria's' plasticated, skeletal jowls using a mix of  Scientology's satanic ramblings, and dumb nausea syndrome tablets.

A huge selection of 'Victoria's' pictures were sifted through by a crack team of moronic cabbages in order to select the above image to start off this new blog segment.

And so it is with great satisfaction that 'Victoria's' team of moronic cabbages are able to bring you this image of 'Victoria', the first of what will be many more in the future.

                                                                                                            By Roland Barnacle    

The Jester and the Frowning Lump



This drawing is based on an individual who despite having everything he could ever want is still never happy with his life.

The "Frowning Lump" is fuelled by greed. Nothing is ever enough. So what is he really after? What would truly make him happy?

The "Jester" just wants to make him smile or even laugh. He has nothing else to give to him.

                                                                                                               By Charlie Cornflake