Missing Boiled Egg Poster

This poster is a plea to all the good natured members of the public out there to help find my son's missing boiled egg.

All of our family have been frantically looking for over a week now, and we are becoming increasingly concerned as the weather is quite chilly at the moment, especially at night time, and we really do not want our son's boiled egg catching a cold or worst still being eaten by a fox.

We really cannot understand how the boiled egg was able to disappear from our son's power rangers egg cup in the first place as we were all only momentarily distracted from the table by our neighbour "Jim Jim" who was outside on his front lawn wrestling with his pet pig called "Sandra". This lasted for only 5 minutes at the most, yet when we turned back to the kitchen table the boiled egg was gone.

The police understandably are very busy at the moment, and they have really tried to be patient with our plight, but have found it almost impossible not to become aggressive with us resulting in the use of pepper spray, and rubber bullets being used on us as we keep constantly bombarding them with our idiotic theories on who could have taken our son's boiled egg.

One of our theories is that Satanic overlords have kidnapped the boiled egg for their blood curdling rituals. Another of our theories is that Mrs Miggins from No:9 sneaked in and stole the boiled egg on her mobility scooter to fill her own gluttonous stomach.

Whatever the reason we just want our son's missing boiled egg back in his power rangers egg cup, right next to his bread soldiers, which incidentally are really stale and crunchy at this moment in time.

If anybody can help please contact your local Crimestoppers helpline, or you can contact us directly on the address below.

Many thanks for your time

Mrs Beryl Blanket
1210 Semolina Court
The Witchfinder General Estate
Just left of Towering Inferno alleyway
Behind the burnt out Renault
The house with a rusty steel door
Careful of the Rottweiler
That's it right beside the Council tip


For more ludicrous missing posters, fake letters, news just in, how the stars relax, celebrity binman, only a handful of people exist, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your nostrils to an Instant Nowhere Alternative Universe.


Collage poster by Arnie Canoe

Written by Roland Barnacle

The Diamond Jubilee Golem

Just as the diner
Sat down at the table
After a brief visit
To the toilet
For a minor adjustment
Of his snagging pants
A small rip
In the fabric of space
Opened up
Spewing out
A rather sleepy
Yet ultimately dumb looking
Red, White, and Blue
Diamond Jubilee Golem
With a soft splat
The Golem landed
Onto the diners
Succulent salmon
With creamy sauce topping
And
After a brief internal yawn
That caused stomach rumblings
And a brief expulsion of gas
The Red, White, and Blue
Diamond Jubilee Golem
Slowly closed
His tired eyes
Leaving the hungry diner
To watch open mouthed
As his food
Slowly
Turned
Cold


For more Golem adventures, comic strips, abstract artwork, only a handful of people exist, how the stars relax, music by The Harridans, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your ankles to an Instant Nowhere Alternative Universe.


Image by Arnie Canoe

Written by Arnie Canoe

The Graffiti Golems

As the Graffiti artist
Slowly crouched down
To apply the final touch
Of crimson red
Spray paint
To his beautiful
Piece of artwork
From nowhere
And in a flash of light
Appeared three goggle eyed
Dumb struck
Golems
And before the Graffiti artist
Was able to stop himself
He applied a crimson red
Streak of spray paint
Right across the faces
And smack bang in the eyes
Of the three
Gormless
Golems
Who were now red faced
Red eyed
And still oblivious
To where on Earth
They actually
Were


For more Golem artwork and adventures, surreal short stories, poetry, prose, savage celebrity satire, magazines, assorted artwork, music by The Harridans, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your knuckles to an Instant Nowhere Alternative Universe.


Artwork and story by Arnie Canoe

FRAUD: Lady GaGa

Puppet of the illuminated record industry 'Lady GaGa' is seen here with what looks like a halo behind her MK ULTRA blasted mind. Her vacuous expression which is an attempt to look serene, just ends up looking like an oxygen starved halibut that has just flapped onto dry land.

Lady GaGa's stage act, videos, songs, and public appearances are riddled with symbolism, and ritualistic elements of the Illuminati. Her outrageous costumes very often show that what we are dealing with here is somebody who is clearly a shell manipulated into dancing to somebody else's tune altogether whether she likes it or not.

FRAUD, sums up not only this lobotomised freak, but also the fake and superficial illuminated record industry that has perverted all that was once great about music, and turned it into nothing more than a freakshow for the talentless.


For more surreal short stories, music by The Harridans, only a handful of people exist, walking corporate billboards, magazines, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your toe nails to an Instant Nowhere Kultural Universe.


Image by Arnie Canoe

Written by Roland Barnacle

Harry The Harridan And The Jellybean Rainstorm

In preparation for going outside
Into the rain
And torrential hailstorm
Which incidentally
Sounded like a drum solo
On the tin roof
Of his shed
Harry the Harridan
Put on his favourite
Bright Yellow
Waterproof coat
And matching face mask
Opened the door
Of his rather dilapidated
And unstable shed
Stepped outside
And stopped dead
In his tracks
Realising in an instant
That it was not rain
Or a torrential hailstorm
That was causing
Drum solo type noises
On his tin roof
It was in fact
A torrential downpour
Of Millions
And millions
Of multi-coloured
Jellybeans
Harry looked on bemused
Paused for a few brief seconds
Looked skywards
Opened his mouth
And spent
The next ten minutes
Filling his greedy mouth
With the torrential
Downpour
Of Jellybeans


For more surreal short stories, magazines, comic strips, collage artwork, abstract paintings, political satire, how the stars relax, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your left ventricle to an Instant Nowhere Kultural Universe.


Image by Arnie Canoe

Written by Tommy Dandruff

The Apes Have Evolved

The year is 3978 AD.

The post apocalyptic wasteland that is Earth has endured a reversal of fortune for the two dominant species that exist on Earth: Man and Ape.

Where as once Man was the dominant species, now it is the great Ape that is the dominant of the two species.

However, as the years have passed, with Earth slowly evolving, and recovering to a more lush state, so to the great Apes have slowly evolved, adapting and changing their natural primal behaviour, to something far more serene.

And so it is that the great Apes have now warmed to the wearing of tight leather clothing, and corset like body armour caressing every muscle and sinew.

Riding Horses at a frightening pace to scare and round up the humans has been replaced with slow, leisurely jaunts through the woods and streams, taking humans on days out using flamboyant wagon trains pulled by their well groomed stallions.

Gone are the savage beatings of Man, and staggering uncontrollable rages, being replaced by tree top banana parties, desert bowls competitions, canyon yodelling, tree planting and flower cultivating, and also woodland fashion shoots.

The savage great Apes have evolved.

Evolved into a far more gentile form of Ape. 

Creating a idyllic Utopia for all of Gods creatures including Man.

Welcome

To Planet of the Gaypes.


For more of Planet of the Gaypes, humorous parodies, ludicrous short stories, savage celebrity satire, abstract collage artwork, cut-up writing, music, and much more visit wow.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your earlobes to an Instant Nowhere Alternative Universe.


Written by Tommy Dandruff

Artwork by Arnie Canoe








    

Who Do You Choose?

The dog in the above picture is called 'Bovril' and he is wearing a tailored suit from savile row. He is dapper and well groomed, and a very healthy looking dog indeed

Mr Virgil Branflake is also well groomed, healthy, suitably suited, and dapper.

However one of these two individuals needs to be put down as there is only enough money for one of them to survive in the care home they belong to due to Government cut backs, and fake economic reform amidst a manufactured recession.

The choice is a tough one to make.

Who do you choose?

The well groomed, and healthy dog named 'Bovril' wearing a dapper suit?

Or the healthy, well groomed man called Mr Virgil Branflake, also wearing a dapper suit?

Answers on a postcard...


For more ludicrous celebrity satire, news just in, odd one out, how the stars relax, magazines, music, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your eyeballs to an Instant Nowhere Kultural Universe.


Collage artwork by Arnie Canoe

Written by Arnie Canoe

'Odd One Out' part 3: The Bilderberg Bitch and Captain Arse Lick

The Bilderberg Bitch and Captain Arse Lick

So here we are in the month of May ready for another game of 'Odd One Out'.

The rules are quite simple, all you have to do is guess which one of the above two mind fucks are the 'Odd One Out'.

On the left we have one of the most vile creatures ever to slither along the surface of this beautiful Earth. A monster so hideous and cold hearted that generations of decent, honest, hard working individuals have had their lives ruined by this gigantic Bilderberg Bitch Globalist puppet turd to help further their foul Globalist agenda.

And on the right we have easily one of the most nauseating walking testicles to ever roll along the floor of this wonderful planet Earth. A shit bomb so ghastly that the mere thought of carpet bombing innocent civilians in manufactured global conflicts for his Globalist puppet masters, is enough to make Captain Arse Lick dream longingly of his Bilderberg Bitch mentor during long private moments shut away in darkened closets. 

So there you have it.

Not that difficult is it really.


For more 'Odd One Out', how the stars relax, only a handful of people exist, the baron Frankenstein school of plastic surgery, comic strips, music, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your knee caps to an Instant Nowhere Alternative Universe.


Written by Arnie Canoe

Anti-Capitalist Golem

Here we have yet another mindless Golem seen here at a recent protest rally demonstrating against the pincer like grip of the fascist capitalist system.

Unfortunately though the Golem has no idea what he is doing at this protest march, or what capitalism actually stands for, he is just blindly following the crowds as always like a fat sheep with a stitched up mouth.

And even when the Golem is bowled over by a slobbering Police Horse, he just grunts and grins believing this violent action to be part of this fun day out he is taking part in.


For more Golem escapades, ridiculous satire, collage artwork, magazines, comic strips, abstract paintings, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your ego to an Instant Nowhere Alternative Universe.


Artwork by Arnie Canoe



  

The Stepford Robots

What are those humans looking at?

Here we have the stepford versions of the Scientology mind blanks 'Tom Cruise' and 'Katie Holmes', and the voice for Sooty and Sweep 'David Beckham' with his favourite piece of plastic garden furniture 'Victoria Beckham'.

Unfortunately due to poor programming these four robotic clones are incapable of relating to human beings, and therefore cannot quite grasp why they are continuously being photographed, asked to star in corporate commercials and movies, asked to front Olympic campaigns and brain spanking cults like Scientology, and constantly handed their own brands of products to sell from clothing to toiletries, when all four of them have been given an inability to be genetically talented in any conceivable manner.

This is because the select few have no need to be talented.

As the saying goes 'Blood is thicker than water', so when you are part of the family a lack of talent or intellect does not need to be a hurdle to stop an individual getting on in life.


For more savage celebrity satire, reptilian updates, reptilian diaries, royal mutations, only a handful of people exist, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your ego to an Instant Nowhere Universe.


Image by Arnie Canoe

Written by Roland Barnacle

Poster For 'The Vinyl Junkies' Club

Here we have a poster for a club to be held down at INK House Studios specifically for all you vinyl junkies out there (Big Swell this includes you as well).

The club is called strangely enough 'The Vinyl Junkies', and will allow people to bring a selection of their vinyl down each week, which we will then play, listen to, enjoy (hopefully), and talk about if there is anything to talk about of course.

When I say vinyl by the way I don't mean flooring, so for all you vinyl flooring junkies out there A) This is not the club for you  B) This is not the club for you.

All musical interests are welcome, however here is a brief idea of the types of music we here at INK House Studios enjoy listening to: Krautrock, Free jazz, Industrial, Electronic, All forms of improvisational music, Psychedelic rock, Blues, Small particles of country music (Johnny Cash), NO COMMERCIAL CHART MUSIC, Avant-Garde, All forms of Minimalist music, Proper Hip Hop (not Jay'z or Dr Dre), Funk, and all of Sir Elton John's musical output...Not really that was just a joke, a bit like Sir Elton's feral wig weave. Hopefully the above list will prevent somebody turning up with the back catalogue of 'Des o'connor', or something equally as painful.

That being said the club is open to everyone, but you must leave your ego at the door, and your pretentious overcoat in the downstairs cupboard to avoid embarrassment.

All details including times, dates, and price (which will be minimal) will be available shortly via our website, social media sites, and local advertising.


For more information on the above, along with all other events visit our website at www.instantnowhere.com and divulge your inner cravings to an Instant Nowhere Kultural Universe.


Poster by Arnie Canoe

Written by Roland Barnacle




   

T-Shirt Design: She Shouldn't Have Touched Those Sprouts

Here we have a T-shirt design featuring Scarface himself 'Tony Montana'.

The above image shows 'Tony Montana' in a blood soaked, and coke fuelled rage, as his wife has yet again handled the sprouts on his dinner plate in a less than satisfactory manner.

The poor handling of 'Tony Montana's' sprouts has not only caused carnage on a monumental scale and an enormous body count, but it has also left the kitchen in an awful mess which his wife will now have to clean up at some point later on.


For more T-shirt designs, collage artwork, comic strips, magazines, music, and much more visit www.instant nowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Alternative Universe.


T-shirt design by Arnie Canoe

Twat Magazine's 'We Are Normal' Part 2

Captain Black with blow up doll

Here we have two of the most nauseating individuals known to modern day science, in an excerpt from 'Twat' magazines monthly section entitled 'We are Normal'.

With more diva like tantrums, shit encrusted tiaras, chubby necked shirt squeezing, living dead personalities, and face fakery than you can shake a stick at, Sir Elton John and his butler have it all.

The problem is that this couple of rejects from the Baron Frankenstein school of plastic surgery, actually walk amongst mankind as if they fit in alongside humanity without anybody even noticing.

It's as if Sir Elton John and his Butler believe themselves to look like normal human being's?

Anybody can see that this cannot be the case when this couple of Gothic like golems loosely resemble the look of pre cambrian mollusc's fresh from some kind of primordial soup swimathon. And with a music back catalogue so prehistoric and outdated that even the most modern carbon dating techniques are unable to tell from which piss pool of a century Sir Elton john's music crawled from out of it really is difficult to know how it is possible for them to be where they are today..wherever indeed that is?

Even Sir Elton John's woven head looks like it has had a titanic fight with a bale of hay, four savage Badgers, and a wagon full of half pissed 'Des O'Connor impersonators. As for the butler's hair just five minutes with some good ole fashioned boot polish seems to have done the trick quite nicely.


For more savage celebrity satire, fake news reports, ludicrous short stories, magazines, surreal lyrics, cut-up lyrics, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Alternative Universe.



Written by Roland Barnacle

Image supplied by Arnie Canoe

The Baron Frankenstein School Of Plastic Surgery

The Baron Frankenstein School of Plastic Surgery has all the answers to your superficial facial concerns.

As you can imagine the woman above would lead a life of misery due to the fact that she has the face of two painted children instead of two eyes, a nose, and a mouth. But for only £150 this lady is able to transform her face into something altogether more socially acceptable, and alluring to the opposite sex, saving her from the pain of living her life like that of a social leper and a freak.

Surgical techniques available for £150 are as follows:


1) The cranial knee stretch

2) Rosy cheek bleaching (for the arse also)

3) Nose brow configuring

4) Ear sculpting

5) Dr Chisels elbow tightener

6) The floundering Trout mouth


So for only £150 you too could transform your life with the help of our highly skilled, and CRB checked Romanian surgeons who, due to Government visa restrictions, will only be available for a short period of time before deportation.

Remember, The Baron Frankenstein School of Plastic Surgery can change your life from that of a socially inept reject, into a Hollywoodised stepford biped, and all for the price of a cheap night out with one of the cast from Holby City.

So go on....Transform your life at The Baron Frankenstein School of Plastic Surgery.


For more comic strips, fake news reports, surreal short stories, cut-up writing, prose, poetry, abstract paintings, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Parallel Universe.


Collage by Arnie Canoe

Written by  Roland Barnacle

Freaky Fashion Part 2

We are fashion icons

Oh dear! It looks like the Beckham's have gone a bit too far with their constant changing of freaky fashion styles, and ever changing hair cuts.

This image shows Victoria sporting the muzzle of a big cat which by all accounts is very much in this season, as well as the surgically attached eyes of another sorry individual who probably didn't need a pair of eyes anyway.

As for David, well this Bobby Charlton styled peroxide flick gives him the look of a reject from shat munchers Take That, and yet again a set of surgically attached eyes from yet another random stranger really does add to this mutated freaky fashion look.

Strangely enough nobody seems to be paying a blind bit of notice to this couple of mind spanked individuals, and this could be due to the fact that either nobody gives a flying arse spurt about them, or alternatively that nobody gives a flying arse spurt about them.

Whatever people think about this couple of bum twigs, the fact remains that, regardless of what people may think, they are still both in the eyes of INK Ltd a couple of bum twigs.


For more surreal celebrity satire, freaky fashion, royal mutations, cut-up lyrics, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your colon to an Instant Nowhere Kulture.


Collage by Arnie Canoe

Written by Roland Barnacle

'Twat' Magazines Diamond Jubilee Issue



Here we have a first glimpse of the front cover for the Diamond jubilee issue of 'Twat' magazine.

Whilst mindless revellers dowse themselves with lashings of peasant subservience, amidst the glare of a towering display of disgusting monarchic wealth, pompous Babylonian ceremony, and royalist power, 'Twat' magazine dissects, dismantles, and flips a colossal middle finger to the hereditary royal Germanic inbreds, and all who kneel to them.


For more reptilian updates, reptilian diaries, collage artwork, magazines, ridiculous satire, surreal short stories, cut-up writing, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Universe.


Collage by Arnie Canoe

Written by Roland Barnacle

The fabric of our own existence

As we wander aimlessly
In a self obsessed
Mind trance
Paying more attention
To the state
Of our hair
And the condition of our skin
Than to the suffering
Of our brothers
And sisters
We slowly widen the gaps
Between the fabric
Of our own existence
Drawing us ever closer
To the brink
Of an infinite
Reality
Of self induced
Nightmares


For more poetry, prose, cut-up writings, collage artwork, and more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Universe.


Collage by Arnie Canoe

Written by Spartacus Mole

Missing Favourite Sofa Poster

This poster is a plea to anybody who may be able to help in my attempt to find our favourite sofa which has been missing for well over a week now.

Our sofa was last seen in our living room at home, and was happily being lounged on by our cat called 'Branflake', and our Dachshund 'Officer Dibbles'.

Myself and my family are unsure of what happened next as we were busy playing 'Hide the bucket' in our back garden with our neighbours Mr and Mrs Chin, but on our return to our living room, ready to watch a repeat of 'The Crystal Maze' on challenge TV, we noticed our favourite (only) sofa was nowhere to be seen.

For days we searched our estate, whistling and calling out our sofa's name (which incidentally is Derek) in the hope he may appear from around a corner, or out from under a bridge somewhere..but alas he did not.

An eyewitness has come forward and said that he noticed a sofa matching the same description getting into the back of a removal truck, but as yet no removal company has come forward to confirm this sighting, and the eyewitness is now back on curfew making it difficult to follow up.

Both myself, and my family have spoken to the police on a number of occasions about our missing sofa Derek, but unfortunately we are reluctant to speak with them again as the pepper spray really does play havoc with my sinuses, and our boy 'Jub' is already on his last warning for breaking into an ice cream van last summer.

So if there is anybody out there who knows anything, or knows anybody who may be able to help us if you could please contact 'Crimestoppers', or alternatively you can contact us directly on the details below.

Many thanks:

Mr and Mrs Slazenger De Void
18 Lower Fridge Lane
The Combine Harvester Estate
East of Dudley ring road
First left past the burning tyres
Ignore the Wicker man
Straight ahead
That's it right next to the grain silo


For more surreal short stories, savage celebrity satire, music by the Harridans, and bizarre comic strips visit www.instantnowhere.com and submerge yourself into an Instant Nowhere Kulture.


Collage poster by Arnie Canoe

Written by Roland Barnacle

Gummo Bunny Boy

Here we have an image from one of my favourite films Gummo.

The look on the Bunny boys face could easily speak a thousand words, but I have decided on the chosen slogan simply because it is the one that seemed to fit best with his 'What are you looking at' facial expression.

For more collage artwork, surreal short stories, savage satire, and abstract paintings go to www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Kultural Universe.


Collage by Arnie Canoe

We are all prisoners

Fight the power

Here we have a T-shirt design that perfectly describes visually the upside down system that more and more people are starting to kick against, as they slowly wake up to the hypocrisy, lies, bullshit, and fake global system we exist within everyday. 


For more T-shirt designs, comic strips, magazines, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Universe.


Collage artwork by Arnie Canoe