Image from 'Twat' magazine issue 2: Helena Bonham Carter

I'm the star of Bullseye

Here we have another free image from the magazine called 'Twat' which is produced by the creative team at INK Ltd.

The above image of 'Helena Bonham Carter' was just after she had won a Bafta for her staring role as the quiz master in the film remake of the TV game show 'Bullseye' which originally stared 'Jim Bowen' as an over exuberant genetically modified northern dullard, who on a weekly basis tried to make sense of the contestants inabilities to throw darts at each others heads without making contact.

A special mention was also made on the night of the Illuminated award ceremony of 'Mrs Bonham Carters' ability to not require any special make-up effects on the set of 'Planet of the Apes', the remake carefully put together but her husband 'Pickled Tim' whilst he was quietly having a gigantic dump at a local shopping mall.


By Arnie Canoe

Excerpt from 'Twat' magazine

Baron Frankenstein School of Surgery

The above image is from 'Twat' magazine and is the main image for a section titled 'I'm a Walking Labia', a section that takes a look at the ludicrous 'Trout pouts' that women end up with after having lip enhancements. Also within this section of the magazine is a game called 'Who's Labia is this'? which is loosely based on the board game 'Guess Who', and involves readers having to guess who the celebrity is when only the labia is showing.

How any women can think that they look in any way, shape, or form attractive when they resemble nothing more than a 'Walking Labia' is beyond me. This body dismorphic mindset is almost being ingrained as being the natural look for a women, when it is quite clear to anybody with a brain cell that the look is far from natural and is positively grotesque.

Why the need to turn yourself into a monstrosity when a vast majority of the women who have this type of body enhancement must already be the walking dead anyway is quite ridiculous.

Hollywood amongst others have pushed this 'Baron Frankenstein' style of reconstruction in an attempt to make the vacant cabbages out there feel that by changing themselves in this manner, somehow makes them more desirable, and somehow more able to fit in with a preconceived image of beauty, one that has actually never been stated in the first place.

Who decides what is beautiful and what is not?

You or someone else TELLING you what is beautiful and what is not.

Make up your own minds, but until then be on the look out for a few free excerpts from 'Twat' magazine and it's sister publications 'Jap's eye', and also 'Tosspot' on topics like this and many more.

                                                                                                          By Roland Barnacle

How the stars relax part 8: Madonna

I love Noddy

Madonna, Prehistoric humanoid landfill site, and the first woman on Earth to ever use a pencil, likes to relax by wandering around her stately home wearing a 'Noddy' outfit and counting dust particles.

                                                                                                            By Roland Barnacle

Image from 'Twat' magazine: Issue 1

This picture is taken from the magazine called 'Twat' which is put together by INK House Studio artists Heston Quiff, Charlie Cornflake, Ronnie Raygun, and yours truly Arnie Canoe.

The magazine will be subscription only and is an assortment of obscure imagery, along with very striped down collage pictures, basic drawings and random cut-up text.

'Twat' magazine also has a 'Sister' magazine called 'Tosspot'. This will also be subscription based and is put together by the INK House Studio artists as part of the 'Instant Nowhere Kulture' artistic output team at 'Instant Nowhere Korporation Ltd'.

Where as 'Twat' magazine is more of a striped down affair 'Tosspot' is a more kaleidoscopic, collage based dismantling of banal women's magazines, and lads mags such as 'Loaded', and 'FHM'. It then mixes them together resulting in the psychedelic mish mash that is 'Tosspot'.

Other magazines produced by INK House Studios in conjunction with the 'Instant Nowhere Kulture' team are: Jap's Eye, and Underdog. Both of these will also be available by subscription details of which will be available shortly on our website at www.instantnowhere.com.

As the website subscription is not fully in place yet the INK House Studios artists will be putting excerpts of all the magazines (like the picture above), onto the blogs for you to view for free courtesy of the 'Instant Nowhere Kulture' team at 'Instant Nowhere Korporation Ltd'.

                                                                                                         By Arnie Canoe