The Adventures Of Pincer Boy

On a daily basis
Come rain
Or shine
Neil would sneak off
Like an incompetent ninja
Into his purpose built
Bat cave style lair
Which was in fact
A disused
Anderson shelter
full of cobwebs
Crusty paint brushes
And old pots
Of hardened paint
And not in the slightest bit
Purpose built
So he could put on
Whilst listening to
The theme from 'The Professionals' 
Which would be blaring out
And at least
An octave lower
Than the original theme
Due to failing batteries
And internal corrosion
From an old ghetto blaster
with single tape deck function
His 'Mask of Fear'
That was actually
A brown paper bag
With the eyes and mouth
Crudely cut out
And 'Pincer Boy' gloves
That had been made
Using an old pair
Of 'Power Rangers' socks
Enabling Neil
To be ready
For another round
Of scaring the shit
Out of his neighbours
And any
Unsuspecting
Passers by
With his alter ego
'Pincer Boy'
The boy
With Pincers
For hands
And his fearsome
Mask
Of fear


For more comic strips, drawings, surreal short stories, T-shirt designs, cut-up writing, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Alternative Universe.


Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

Written by Tommy Dandruff

Trevor's Feathered Suit

As Trevor staggered
Rather intoxicated
Towards Veronica
After drinking ten cans
Of special brew
And sniffing an entire box
Of perished super glue
Veronica stared
In a sinister manner
Whilst casually smoking 
A dog end
Recently picked
From the sole
Of her shoe
At the feathered
Figure of Trevor
As he wobbled in front of her
Like a giant
Epileptic Chicken
Veronica's dark
Sunken eyes
Looked Trevor up and down
And she smiled
A sickly smile
Before declaring
"Oh I do like a man in feathers"
Which prompted Trevor
To squeak a reply
Like some kind of
Giant
Feathered Mouse
Before instantly turning red
Emptying his bowels
Into the Chicken suit
And collapsing
Face down
Into a recently dropped
Half eaten
Strawberry Cornetto
Ice cream


For more comic strips, surreal short stories, abstract paintings, collage artwork, and more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Kultural Universe.


Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

Written by Tommy Dandruff

Transistor Man

No matter where he goes
No Matter what he does
No matter what he says
No matter what he thinks
Transistor Man
Can always
Be heard
Blaring out
His favourite songs
From out of
His surgically attached
Transistor Radio
With single tape deck
Function


For more surreal short stories, comic strips, abstract paintings, collage artwork, T-shirt designs, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and immerse yourself into an Instant Nowhere Kulture.


Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

Written by Tommy Dandruff

Gregory Kit Kat's Hypnotic Failure

As Gregory Kit Kat
Used his newly acquired
Powers of hypnotism
Whilst covertly dressed
As a Sasquatch
To send to sleep
His mind numbingly dull
And immensely irritating neighbour
Mr Jeremiah Finch
His own mind
Started to wander
Outlines became blurry
Noises slowly faded
And in no time at all
Gregory Kit Kat
Was collapsed in a heap
Fast asleep
Side by side
And as snug as a bug
With his boring neighbour
Mr Jeremiah
Finch


For more drawings, comic strips, collage artwork, music, magazines, savage celebrity satire, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Alternative Universe.


Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

Written by Tommy Dandruff

Cedric's Colouring Nightmare

After a torrid time
Being rather violently
And extremely vigorously
Coloured in
By frenzied
Obese child
Using felt tip pens
And pencils
Cedric turned pale
Completely ignored
The man
With stitched up mouth
Who had also
Suffered
At the hands
Of the obese child
Gurgled slightly
Dribbled
A small trail
Of saliva
From the
Corner
Of his flaccid
Gob
Staggered about
Like a drunken clown
And attempted
As his eyes rotated
In his pasty head
To ask for
The directions
To the nearest
Public
Urinal


For more random weirdness, comic strips, surreal satire, abstract paintings, and magazines visit www.instantnowhere.com and immerse yourself into an Instant Nowhere Kulture.


Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

Written by Tommy Dandruff

The Special Brew Mix Up

On a daily basis
Brian Marigold Clog Esq
The mixed up
Dickensian fop
With urinating
Genetically modified
Pet thing
Would confuse
Every greeting
Conversation
Gesture
Or foul mouthed
Obscenity
As purely
Being aimed
At him
This would
Very often
Result in Brian
Being man handled
Rather roughly
Like a dirty dish cloth
Or a cage fighting Priest
And
On occasions
Would result
In Brian
Being unceremoniously
Tarred and feathered
On lonely housing estates
Chased by hordes
Of flame carrying
Numb nuts
These unfortunate
Incidents
Happen
Purely because
In Brian's world
There existed
Only one
Person
And that person
Was Brian
Marigold
Clog
Esq
Nothing
And nobody else
Existed



For more drawings, comic strips, collage artwork, and abstract paintings visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Kultural Universe.


Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

Written by Tommy Dandruff

The Harridan waffle irons: Part 2

Inane mutterings and chatterings

As Vodka Vera
Waffled on feverishly
Like an out of control train
Driven by a drunken monkey
About poor ole Betty Turbans
Exploding varicose veins
Gladys Brush started to sway
Almost intoxicated
By Vodka Vera's 90% proof
Breath of a thousand
Dead animals
Desperately
Gladys tried to compose herself
Nodding inanely
Eyes staring vacant
Like a cabbage patch doll
Gladys managed
To fire off
A quick succession of replies
Even though
She wasn't paying
The slightest bit of attention
To a single word
Vodka Vera
Was gibbering on about
Which was probably
Due to the fact
That poor ole Gladys
Was quite literally
Pissed
As a fart



For more comic strips, abstract artwork, T-shirt designs, surreal collage, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Kultural Universe.


Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

Written By Tommy Dandruff

Dance Merry Plankton: Part 1

Merry Plankton learns how to dance

Mr Red hand pointed his fake plastic gun
Directly at Merry Plankton's heart
His pointed teeth clenched tightly
As he told Merry Plankton to dance for his life
Merry Plankton jumped into the air
In a rather ungainly fashion 
And clicked his pin thin heels together
Suddenly
As the sound waves reached the ground
From Merry Plankton's heel click
Soaking quickly into the solid concrete
To a sub atomic level
The floor underneath him started to move
Shimmering like weeping stars as it did
Ripples slowly started to appear
Then waves began rolling sideways
Like a huge concrete tsunami
And in no time at all
Merry Plankton was body surfing
To the tune of 'Surfing USA' by the Beach Boys
Blaring in his head
Down the road
At a ridiculous speed
Using Mr Red Hand
As a Bondi beach manufactured 
Half-human
Surf board


For more comic strips, magazines, abstract artwork, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Kulture.


Written by Tommy Dandruff

Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

The Harridan waffle irons: Part 1

Inane waffle and dribblings

As Valerie Snatch waffled
Like a smacked out rhino
All mouth foam and head bobble
Her neighbour Brenda Bunion
Shell shocked by the verbal barrage
Could only nod in agreement
And answer
Out of politeness
Even though
She hadn't the faintest clue
Or idea
Of what the fuck Valerie 
Was actually talking about



For more comic strips, magazines, abstract artwork, music, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to our Instant Nowhere Universe.



Written by Tommy Dandruff

Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

Fat Cabs: Part 1

Fat Cabs struggles to take the call

Sweat rolls like warm salty rivers down the gluttonous face of 'Brian Smudge' the Fat Cabs radio operator
Eyes bloodshot and heavy
Like sacks of soil laden spuds
Narrow his eyes like coin slots on an amusement arcade machine
Roll upon roll of blubber wobble like jelly as Brian struggles to reach the Fat Cabs radio which is blaring out on the table
Shaking violently and wheezing like a giant red and pink balloon expelling hot air, Brian desperately tries to raise his colossal arms in a vain attempt to reach the radio's controller
In an almost life and death struggle
Brian's morbidly obese frame shuffles 2 inches towards the table
Sweat and tears mingle
A dark patch the size of small dog appears around his football pitched sized crotch 
The radio continues to call out on the table top
Summoning up all of his failing energy
Brian makes one last gigantic effort to reach the radio's controller
But just as his sweat and piss soaked frame lumbers only inches from the controller
The radio falls silent
Leaving poor ole Brian
To make the godforsaken journey
All the way back
Across the room
And into his favourite
Steel reinforced chair
Carefully positioned
Right next to
The cream bun tray


For more instalments of 'Fat Cabs' and other comic strips go to www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere alternative kulture.


Written by Tommy Dandruff

Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

Graham's tweed shirt seizure

Oh Jeez..not another seizure...

As Julia shuffled slowly towards her husband Graham
Wearing a brand new
All in one
Over head dress
Topped off by a Dennis Healey eyebrow face mask
It all became
Far too much for poor ole Graham
To deal with
He gently started to raise up
Onto tip toes
His red tie began to flap
The tweed shirt Graham was wearing started quivering under his tank top
He started to gently dribble
And as his eyes started to roll in their sockets
Graham started to gently mutter "Oh jeez...not another seizure"
Over
And over
And over
Again
Until exhaustion
Caused him to collapse
Onto the bedroom floor
Face down
Amongst Julia's
Lacey
Underwear


This drawing was created in winter 2003 along with a few other drawings and comic strips.

I very rarely use colour in my drawings, and tend to keep things very black and white, except for maybe the odd splash of red here and there.


To view more drawings, comic strips, and many other forms of artwork visit INK Ltd's website at www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Kulture.



Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

Sandra's funny turn



Sandra began to feel odd again

As Sandra walked alongside her odious husband Alan
Down the local high street avoiding the shrivelled dog turds and discarded cigarettes
And past Alan's favourite pie and mash shop
A very familiar feeling started to come over Sandra again
Her body started to twitch and shake
Her eyes became glazed over like a heroin reject 
The tongue in her mouth started to slide towards her dribble covered chin
And as the background scene behind Sandra and Alan
Changed to that of a piece of notepad sized lined paper
Large streaks of coloured pen started to scribble
In a childlike frenzy
Over Sandra's eyes and body
And over the concrete floor which was now replaced by the lined paper
Alan shouted furiously at Sandra as his face was coloured green making him look like a huge septic ballbag
His trousers now sketchy red made him look like an angry tramp
It was all too much for Alan to bare
"What the fucks up with you ya silly bitch" Alan shouted loudly
Sandra staggered gently
Swayed ever so slightly
A huge length of dribble swung from her sopping wet mouth
She turned towards Alan
Opened her slobbering mouth and said "EERRrrr"
Before falling face down
In a puddle of her own spit


Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

Written by Tommy Dandruff

Brynner F.U.B : Super Evolved Man

I am a super evolved Man

The above image is an original picture and is based loosely on an old boss of mine.

Whilst working for a company a while ago now the Director, who incidentally was a 28 stone morbidly obese piece of shit, decided to state that the reason he was the size he was, was simply due to the fact that this was a stage of mankind's evolution.

This statement was so hilarious I really found it difficult to believe that somebody could be in such denial as to their own state of being.

Although to be fair the guy was as thick as shit and was always hard at learning when at school, and was only fortunate to be in the position of a Company Director in the first place due to nepotism, and not through any hard graft or having any serious Business sense of his own.

Funny how this type of situation repeats itself a lot throughout life.


By Charlie Cornflake

Bella's horrid Birthday cake

Bella was only seconds away from a tantrum

Here we have the morbidly obese, seriously spoilt, and never satisfied brat child Bella on the day of her Birthday.

As per usual the huge cake is not enough for this gluttonous young girls demands, and it is only a matter of time until a severe tantrum ensues in which Bella will not only demolish the cake, but all of her family and friends who are nervously singing "Happy Birthday" in the corner of the room.

All the cakes and toys in the world will never satisfy a grotesque child like Bella.

So what could make this monster child happy?


By Charlie Cornflake

Wild eyed and on a leash

Here we have a rather surreal drawing of a wild eyed old man with his demonic beasts on a leash.

Normally my drawings are nothing like this but I have been working down at INK Studios with Heston Quiff of late, and he suggested an abstract approach but without losing the complete form of my character drawings.

I am pleased with the outcome as you can still see the figure of the wild eyed old man, his walking stick, and even his hat amongst the abstract approach of the image.

The demonic beasts were originally going to have more of a dog like detail, but Heston suggested that leaving these images with a slightly unfamiliar form would give it more of an abstract edge and other worldly feel.


Drawing by Charlie Cornflake.

Inspired by the strange world of Heston Quiff

Hangman and the Gimp

Kneel down to your Master

This drawing was conceived very late one evening after a long day at work with my flattened nose firmly pressing against the grindstone.

I thing it reflects my state of mind at the time of one being restricted, choked, and controlled by individuals who were, and still are incapable of tying their own shoe laces up.

Things are very different in my life now for the better, but this image is still a stark reminder of how work made me feel a few years ago now.


By Charlie Cornflake

Mungo and the Hare

Mungo and the Hare

This drawing is about trying to tame the untameable beast.

Mungo is impervious to any commands given to him by his handler the Hare.

No matter what is asked of Mungo, no matter what command or instruction is given, the fact remains that all Mungo wants to do is kill.

He like so many of mankind's inherently evil inhabitants only have the desire for destruction, carnage, and the killing of all living things.

How do you keep a leash on an evil state of mind without becoming the aggressors equal?


By Charlie Cornflake

Colin and the Balloon

Balloon too strong for me

Here we see poor Colin struggling to control the immense pulling power of the balloon.

With his pin thin puny arms and weak state of mind, Colin is unable to gather enough strength to stop him being dragged away to another land.

This drawing is actually a cut out that has been placed onto a piece of plain paper.

'Colin' is a character that crops up in some of my comic strips, and these along with many other artworks, short stories, poetry, magazines, and savage celebrity satire will soon be available to subscribe to on the INK Ltd website: www.instantnowhere.com


By Charlie Cornflake

Fat lad and the Witch Doctor

Behold the gluttonous retch of a lad

This drawing is about the fat lad's attempt to cure his morbid obesity using the magical spells of the Witch Doctor.

The idea behind this drawing is to highlight the lengths some people will go to in order to solve a personal issue of which will power is usually all that is needed in the first place.

By Charlie Cornflake

Fat lad and the Birthday cake

The gluttonous youth

This drawing is about the total lack of will power, ability to share and self-control that some individuals have in their lives.

The sweat pouring down the fat puddings face, as well as the saliva dribbling from under his enormous jowls visually shows the immense strain that the gluttonous youth is under as he tries to keep his greedy mitts off the enormous Birthday cake on the table.

There is no way the fat pudding will share the Birthday cake with anyone even though there is more than enough to go around. He wants it all to himself and consequently is a perfect example of how greed rules many individuals on this planet.

                                                                                                        By Charlie Cornflake