Collage: Wolf Boy And The Number 12 Bus

As Wolf boy sat
Alone in the Bus shelter
Waiting for the number 12 Bus
To take him to
Remington Place
His mind started to drift
And reminisce
About his long lost love
Margaret Sykes
And all of the special things
That Wolf boy
Adored about her
The way she tied her hair back
With pieces of old string
How she looked
In a polka dot bikini
Made from old curtains
Her brilliant use
Of foul language
In the cinema
And the way
She used to delicately
Suck
Cheap lollipops
Whilst watching "Casualty"
On her Portable
Colour T.V set
Which was balanced precariously
On the edge
Of a worm ridden
Wooden table
Standing lonely
In her tiny
Living room
And as the memories
Started to reside
Slowly into the Back
Of his mind
Wolf boy suddenly looked up
Quite startled
And
In a blind panic
Dashed out of the Bus shelter
Howling at the top of his voice
As the last
Number 12 Bus
Of the evening
Drove on by


For more surreal short stories, collage artwork, only a handful of people exist, how the stars relax, odd one out, celebrity binman, music by The Harridans, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your minds eye to an Instant Nowhere Alternative Universe.


Collage by Heston Quiff

Written by Tommy Dandruff

Harry The Harridan And The Jellybean Rainstorm

In preparation for going outside
Into the rain
And torrential hailstorm
Which incidentally
Sounded like a drum solo
On the tin roof
Of his shed
Harry the Harridan
Put on his favourite
Bright Yellow
Waterproof coat
And matching face mask
Opened the door
Of his rather dilapidated
And unstable shed
Stepped outside
And stopped dead
In his tracks
Realising in an instant
That it was not rain
Or a torrential hailstorm
That was causing
Drum solo type noises
On his tin roof
It was in fact
A torrential downpour
Of Millions
And millions
Of multi-coloured
Jellybeans
Harry looked on bemused
Paused for a few brief seconds
Looked skywards
Opened his mouth
And spent
The next ten minutes
Filling his greedy mouth
With the torrential
Downpour
Of Jellybeans


For more surreal short stories, magazines, comic strips, collage artwork, abstract paintings, political satire, how the stars relax, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your left ventricle to an Instant Nowhere Kultural Universe.


Image by Arnie Canoe

Written by Tommy Dandruff

The Apes Have Evolved

The year is 3978 AD.

The post apocalyptic wasteland that is Earth has endured a reversal of fortune for the two dominant species that exist on Earth: Man and Ape.

Where as once Man was the dominant species, now it is the great Ape that is the dominant of the two species.

However, as the years have passed, with Earth slowly evolving, and recovering to a more lush state, so to the great Apes have slowly evolved, adapting and changing their natural primal behaviour, to something far more serene.

And so it is that the great Apes have now warmed to the wearing of tight leather clothing, and corset like body armour caressing every muscle and sinew.

Riding Horses at a frightening pace to scare and round up the humans has been replaced with slow, leisurely jaunts through the woods and streams, taking humans on days out using flamboyant wagon trains pulled by their well groomed stallions.

Gone are the savage beatings of Man, and staggering uncontrollable rages, being replaced by tree top banana parties, desert bowls competitions, canyon yodelling, tree planting and flower cultivating, and also woodland fashion shoots.

The savage great Apes have evolved.

Evolved into a far more gentile form of Ape. 

Creating a idyllic Utopia for all of Gods creatures including Man.

Welcome

To Planet of the Gaypes.


For more of Planet of the Gaypes, humorous parodies, ludicrous short stories, savage celebrity satire, abstract collage artwork, cut-up writing, music, and much more visit wow.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your earlobes to an Instant Nowhere Alternative Universe.


Written by Tommy Dandruff

Artwork by Arnie Canoe








    

Searching For Barney Starkly

As Cynthia frantically searched
Like a Woman possessed
Through the rubbish bags
Plunging her hands wildly
Amongst the old
Rusty tins
Of dog food
Rotting chicken carcases
Maggot islands
Discarded syringes
Swarms of ants
And used Johnnies
She suddenly
Breathed a sigh of relief
At last she had found it
Against all odds
Right at the bottom
Of a half burnt
Sulo bin
Dripping with chip fat
And covered
With rice crispies
Her search
Was finally over
And after two
Long years
Of looking through
All the bins
On her estate
At last
Peering out
From the bottom
Of her very own
Chargilled bin
She spied the beady eyes
Of her long
Lost
Husband
Barney Starkly


For more surreal short stories, poetry, prose, abstract paintings, collage artwork, music, T-shirt designs, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Kulture.


Written by Tommy Dandruff

Collage by Heston Quiff

The Adventures Of Pincer Boy

On a daily basis
Come rain
Or shine
Neil would sneak off
Like an incompetent ninja
Into his purpose built
Bat cave style lair
Which was in fact
A disused
Anderson shelter
full of cobwebs
Crusty paint brushes
And old pots
Of hardened paint
And not in the slightest bit
Purpose built
So he could put on
Whilst listening to
The theme from 'The Professionals' 
Which would be blaring out
And at least
An octave lower
Than the original theme
Due to failing batteries
And internal corrosion
From an old ghetto blaster
with single tape deck function
His 'Mask of Fear'
That was actually
A brown paper bag
With the eyes and mouth
Crudely cut out
And 'Pincer Boy' gloves
That had been made
Using an old pair
Of 'Power Rangers' socks
Enabling Neil
To be ready
For another round
Of scaring the shit
Out of his neighbours
And any
Unsuspecting
Passers by
With his alter ego
'Pincer Boy'
The boy
With Pincers
For hands
And his fearsome
Mask
Of fear


For more comic strips, drawings, surreal short stories, T-shirt designs, cut-up writing, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Alternative Universe.


Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

Written by Tommy Dandruff

Trevor's Feathered Suit

As Trevor staggered
Rather intoxicated
Towards Veronica
After drinking ten cans
Of special brew
And sniffing an entire box
Of perished super glue
Veronica stared
In a sinister manner
Whilst casually smoking 
A dog end
Recently picked
From the sole
Of her shoe
At the feathered
Figure of Trevor
As he wobbled in front of her
Like a giant
Epileptic Chicken
Veronica's dark
Sunken eyes
Looked Trevor up and down
And she smiled
A sickly smile
Before declaring
"Oh I do like a man in feathers"
Which prompted Trevor
To squeak a reply
Like some kind of
Giant
Feathered Mouse
Before instantly turning red
Emptying his bowels
Into the Chicken suit
And collapsing
Face down
Into a recently dropped
Half eaten
Strawberry Cornetto
Ice cream


For more comic strips, surreal short stories, abstract paintings, collage artwork, and more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Kultural Universe.


Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

Written by Tommy Dandruff

Transistor Man

No matter where he goes
No Matter what he does
No matter what he says
No matter what he thinks
Transistor Man
Can always
Be heard
Blaring out
His favourite songs
From out of
His surgically attached
Transistor Radio
With single tape deck
Function


For more surreal short stories, comic strips, abstract paintings, collage artwork, T-shirt designs, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and immerse yourself into an Instant Nowhere Kulture.


Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

Written by Tommy Dandruff

Gregory Kit Kat's Hypnotic Failure

As Gregory Kit Kat
Used his newly acquired
Powers of hypnotism
Whilst covertly dressed
As a Sasquatch
To send to sleep
His mind numbingly dull
And immensely irritating neighbour
Mr Jeremiah Finch
His own mind
Started to wander
Outlines became blurry
Noises slowly faded
And in no time at all
Gregory Kit Kat
Was collapsed in a heap
Fast asleep
Side by side
And as snug as a bug
With his boring neighbour
Mr Jeremiah
Finch


For more drawings, comic strips, collage artwork, music, magazines, savage celebrity satire, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Alternative Universe.


Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

Written by Tommy Dandruff

Cedric's Colouring Nightmare

After a torrid time
Being rather violently
And extremely vigorously
Coloured in
By frenzied
Obese child
Using felt tip pens
And pencils
Cedric turned pale
Completely ignored
The man
With stitched up mouth
Who had also
Suffered
At the hands
Of the obese child
Gurgled slightly
Dribbled
A small trail
Of saliva
From the
Corner
Of his flaccid
Gob
Staggered about
Like a drunken clown
And attempted
As his eyes rotated
In his pasty head
To ask for
The directions
To the nearest
Public
Urinal


For more random weirdness, comic strips, surreal satire, abstract paintings, and magazines visit www.instantnowhere.com and immerse yourself into an Instant Nowhere Kulture.


Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

Written by Tommy Dandruff

Demon With Pugwash Chest

The Demon
With Pugwash chest
Appeared in an instant 
From out of
The upside down text
Which was really 
A doorway
To another dimension
An alternate reality
Where demons
And bizarre entities
Spend all their time
With their feet up
Watching
Laughing
And soaking up
A never ending stream
Of children's programmes
From days
Gone bye


For more surreal writings, abstract imagery, collage, comic strips, and other assorted lunacies visit www.instantnowhere.com and dive into an Instant Nowhere Universe.


Written by Tommy Dandruff

Collage by Heston Quiff

The Special Brew Mix Up

On a daily basis
Brian Marigold Clog Esq
The mixed up
Dickensian fop
With urinating
Genetically modified
Pet thing
Would confuse
Every greeting
Conversation
Gesture
Or foul mouthed
Obscenity
As purely
Being aimed
At him
This would
Very often
Result in Brian
Being man handled
Rather roughly
Like a dirty dish cloth
Or a cage fighting Priest
And
On occasions
Would result
In Brian
Being unceremoniously
Tarred and feathered
On lonely housing estates
Chased by hordes
Of flame carrying
Numb nuts
These unfortunate
Incidents
Happen
Purely because
In Brian's world
There existed
Only one
Person
And that person
Was Brian
Marigold
Clog
Esq
Nothing
And nobody else
Existed



For more drawings, comic strips, collage artwork, and abstract paintings visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Kultural Universe.


Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

Written by Tommy Dandruff

Slipping through the rips in space

"What is this place"?

As Harry the Harridan
Wandered bleary eyed
And lifeless
Like an automaton
Without a mind
Of it's own
He stumbled
Purely by accident
Through the tiniest
Of rips
In the fabric
Of space time itself
A world of pure
Random
Abstract
Beauty
A world
Without form
Without reason
Without rules
And a world
Held together
By a thread
Of infinite
Expression


For more short stories, prose, poetry, cut-up writing, and surreal satire visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Kulture.


Written by Tommy Dandruff

Collage by Heston Quiff

The Invisible Curtsy

My mind is a waxwork dream

As Jeremy sat motionless
In his favourite
Navy blue
Armchair
Like a man blob
Wearing yellow
PVC
Raincoat
He reminisced
About intimate moments
With past loves
In joyous deserts
And tranquil forests
Listening to the running nectar
And the whistling breeze
But
As Jeremy's mind wandered
Like chubby toddler
In first time wobble
Biped excursion
He realised
that the recently swallowed
Psychedelic presents
That he had been kindly given
By an invisible curtsy
Were now starting
To kick in


To read more surreal short stories, bizarre cut-up writings, and savage satire visit www.instantnowhere.com and immerse yourself into an Instant Nowhere Universe.


Collage by Heston Quiff

Written by Tommy Dandruff

Colin and the time travelling soup aisle

What happened to the cup-a-soups?

Well it was all very strange really
One minute Colin was minding his own business
Casually wandering
Like a half baked man spam
Down the soup aisle
At his local supermarket
Carefully deciding
What flavour cup-a-soup to buy
When in a flash
Colin was standing amidst a battle scene
Gazing eye to eye
With a rather fearsome
And ever so slightly
Thuggish looking
Axe wielding
Russell Crowe
Who was galloping furiously towards him
Dressed in tights
And leather tunic
And atop a pure white horse
It seemed that Colin
Had somehow
Whilst wandering the soup aisle
At his local supermarket
Slipped through a rip
In the fabric of time space itself
And into a battle scene
From the eye wateringly shit
And arse clenchingly embarrassing
Remake
Of Robin Hood
However
Only one thought now remained
In Colin's tiny mind
And that was if Russell Crowe
Angry and with a beard
Had any idea
How the bloody fucking hell
Colin could find his way back
To the soup aisle


For more surreal stories of squit, cut-up writings, and ludicrous satire visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Alternative Kulture.


Image by Arnie Canoe

Written by Tommy Dandruff

The Harridan waffle irons: Part 2

Inane mutterings and chatterings

As Vodka Vera
Waffled on feverishly
Like an out of control train
Driven by a drunken monkey
About poor ole Betty Turbans
Exploding varicose veins
Gladys Brush started to sway
Almost intoxicated
By Vodka Vera's 90% proof
Breath of a thousand
Dead animals
Desperately
Gladys tried to compose herself
Nodding inanely
Eyes staring vacant
Like a cabbage patch doll
Gladys managed
To fire off
A quick succession of replies
Even though
She wasn't paying
The slightest bit of attention
To a single word
Vodka Vera
Was gibbering on about
Which was probably
Due to the fact
That poor ole Gladys
Was quite literally
Pissed
As a fart



For more comic strips, abstract artwork, T-shirt designs, surreal collage, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Kultural Universe.


Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

Written By Tommy Dandruff

Dance Merry Plankton: Part 1

Merry Plankton learns how to dance

Mr Red hand pointed his fake plastic gun
Directly at Merry Plankton's heart
His pointed teeth clenched tightly
As he told Merry Plankton to dance for his life
Merry Plankton jumped into the air
In a rather ungainly fashion 
And clicked his pin thin heels together
Suddenly
As the sound waves reached the ground
From Merry Plankton's heel click
Soaking quickly into the solid concrete
To a sub atomic level
The floor underneath him started to move
Shimmering like weeping stars as it did
Ripples slowly started to appear
Then waves began rolling sideways
Like a huge concrete tsunami
And in no time at all
Merry Plankton was body surfing
To the tune of 'Surfing USA' by the Beach Boys
Blaring in his head
Down the road
At a ridiculous speed
Using Mr Red Hand
As a Bondi beach manufactured 
Half-human
Surf board


For more comic strips, magazines, abstract artwork, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Kulture.


Written by Tommy Dandruff

Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

The Harridan waffle irons: Part 1

Inane waffle and dribblings

As Valerie Snatch waffled
Like a smacked out rhino
All mouth foam and head bobble
Her neighbour Brenda Bunion
Shell shocked by the verbal barrage
Could only nod in agreement
And answer
Out of politeness
Even though
She hadn't the faintest clue
Or idea
Of what the fuck Valerie 
Was actually talking about



For more comic strips, magazines, abstract artwork, music, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to our Instant Nowhere Universe.



Written by Tommy Dandruff

Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

Fat Cabs: Part 1

Fat Cabs struggles to take the call

Sweat rolls like warm salty rivers down the gluttonous face of 'Brian Smudge' the Fat Cabs radio operator
Eyes bloodshot and heavy
Like sacks of soil laden spuds
Narrow his eyes like coin slots on an amusement arcade machine
Roll upon roll of blubber wobble like jelly as Brian struggles to reach the Fat Cabs radio which is blaring out on the table
Shaking violently and wheezing like a giant red and pink balloon expelling hot air, Brian desperately tries to raise his colossal arms in a vain attempt to reach the radio's controller
In an almost life and death struggle
Brian's morbidly obese frame shuffles 2 inches towards the table
Sweat and tears mingle
A dark patch the size of small dog appears around his football pitched sized crotch 
The radio continues to call out on the table top
Summoning up all of his failing energy
Brian makes one last gigantic effort to reach the radio's controller
But just as his sweat and piss soaked frame lumbers only inches from the controller
The radio falls silent
Leaving poor ole Brian
To make the godforsaken journey
All the way back
Across the room
And into his favourite
Steel reinforced chair
Carefully positioned
Right next to
The cream bun tray


For more instalments of 'Fat Cabs' and other comic strips go to www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere alternative kulture.


Written by Tommy Dandruff

Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

The adventures of T.V. repair men 'Murtin and Marphy'

We are totally inept

Here we have two socially inept men called 'Steve Marphy' and 'Eddie Murtin'.

'Steve' and 'Eddie' are former actors who are now T.V. repair men and they spend many hours a day travelling from street to street, across the country dealing with all the jobs you would expect T.V. repair men to have to deal with which is most frequently problems with the functioning of a customers T.V. set.

Unfortunately though 'Steve' and 'Eddie' have absolutely no ability in fixing T.V. sets, and spend most of the day trying to read to the customers from their self penned scripts such as 'Another day without a sock', 'Beryl and the wicker basket full of old stuff', and 'The return of Captain Twiglet'.

However their inability to be able to actually fix a T.V. set leads them into a ridiculous world of surreal adventure and danger as they armchair wrestle with 'Mickey Rourkes' former face dressed in tight blue leotards, tackle violent penguins with chins, are chased by men with missing feet, and endure seismic clashes with their nemesis 'Barry Tadpole' king of the amphibians.


To read more of the ridiculous escapades of T.V. repair men 'Marphy and Murtin' visit INK Ltd's website at www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Kulture.


Written by Tommy Dandruff

Image by Heston Quiff


  

Gloria's fiery new eyes

My eyes are my best feature

Arriving at the modelling agency
Stinking of creosote
Cheap hairspray
And pipe tobacco
Gloria marched with a confident swagger up to the reception desk
The waiting models sniggered and rolled their eyes
Until the wafting stench hit them
One of the models retched violently almost losing her pelvis in the process
Gloria leaned over to ask the receptionist if she could go through
Gagging with her manicured hand over her mouth the receptionist waved Gloria through
Gloria marched into the room
Stepped onto the catwalk
And strode up and down like a spasmodic scarecrow
The casting couch were mortified
Their eyes watered copiously
One of the judges threw up their morning muesli into a bowl of fruit
Gloria marched up to them with an air of stench and confidence
The casting couch reeled back in horror
Gloria paused for a moment..
Smiled vacantly with her hands perched delicately on her hips and said confidently "I know, I know what you are thinking" there was a lengthy pause....
"Wha.. What are we err thinking" stammered one of the casting judges looking slightly nervous
Gloria puffed out her chest
Stood up straight
Looked down her nose with a subtle air of arrogance and said "I've got the job, it's quite obvious" 
The judges looked bemused
"What makes you think that you have got the job Gloria" enquired one of the judges
Gloria laughed loudly like a helium filled chicken
And said loudly "With fiery new eyes like mine how can you possibly find better"
The judges looked at each other and smiled
"But this is an audition for anti-ageing cream for wrinkly knees Gloria"
There was silence..
Gloria gulped
Smiled in a rather inane manner
Picked her left ear
Then strode out of the building
Wafting her horrendous stench behind her


This short surreal story is part of a bigger collection that are available via subscription on INK Ltd's website at www.instantnowhere.moonfruit.com   


Written by Tommy Dandruff

Image by Arnie Canoe