Instant Nowhere Kulture Dictionary: Facewatching

The impressive ability of a person to spend hours watching the Facebook status of their friends but never actually commenting upon a single thing. This person is usually extremely intelligent and vastly superior to their acolytes, which is why they decide not to write. However, their skill is tragic because they constantly need to watch other people's status online in order to quietly sneer at the lack of real quality in their posts.

This is usually acquired by a person who is very new to online social media and progresses over time. Not even the use of the 'like' button is used, showing a very distant, aloof but incredibly smart stance by the facewatcher.

Example: 'Marvin would miss food and drink for days because he was too busy facewatching.'

Instant Nowhere Kulture Dictionary: Squinteye

The unfortunate disposition of a SMombie who squints in order to see what is happening on their monitor screen. This is different to normal 'squinting' due to the fact that the person with squinteye needs spectacles in order to see clearly, but denies that this is the case. The victim of this disorder is firm in their belief that they can see perfectly well, but need to narrow their eyes a little bit for assistance.

'Squinteye' can affect anyone of any age but only if they spend the majority of their day accessing social media sites without a break from the glare of the harmful monitor screen.

Example: 'Charlie developed severe squinteye after spending twenty-two hours a day for three months on Facebook'.

"Hi, My name is..Part 1: Lee Majors

"Hi, Remember me"

"Hi, My name is Lee Majors". You may remember me as the star of hit T.V. shows such as "The Fall Guy" in which I played a washed up, cumbersome, arthritic stunt man turned bounty hunter "Colt Seavers". You may also remember me as "The Bionic Man", and also as the star of films such as "The huge metal bastard", and also my whimsical self penned musicals "Veronica" and "My tuberculosis existence".  

But now as my career has faded away I have decided to become an inventor of action packed gadgets to enable all my fans (those still living), the chance to experience all the thrills and spills of my past action roles, but without the stints in rehab and A&E.

And so it is with great pleasure that I give to you my first invention "The Lee Majors Knee Catapult".

Using a combination of old Viking catapult technology, and by also working closely alongside NASA Free masonic Nazi Magician scientists, my design team were able to create a knee catapult so strong it was able to fire a Budgie into space using only a stage 3 tension out of a possible 10 (no Budgies were harmed during this experiment they were only killed to death).

Further test results showed that the "Lee Majors knee catapult" was also capable of firing "Paris Hilton" through a very dense hedge, and when tested by the United States Army deep within Area 51 the "Lee Majors knee catapult" was also able to fire a Stainless steel saucepan into "Johnny Depp's" flea ridden beard with no damage to either the saucepan or the beard.

The "Lee Majors knee catapult" can be fired from a standing position, missionary position, and even reverse Cowgirl, and utilises the best of 21st Century Hi-Tech materials such as Titanium, Horse hair, "Katie Prices" underwear elastic (very loose and giving), Strips of deadwood splinters from "Hugh Grants" ailing orchard of a career, and many other Top Secret Black Ops ingredients.

Sales of the "Lee Majors knee catapult" have sky rocketed straight to all "Poundland" stores worldwide, so be sure to snap up your very own "Lee Majors knee catapult" from a "Poundland" store near you while stocks last.

"Lee Majors" is currently staring as "Widow Twanky" in Pantomime at the "Bourbon Biscuit Floating Theatre". Tickets still available.

                                                                                                               By Roland Barnacle

Krazy Kat



Comic strip

This comic strip was sent to me by a great friend of mine called 'Skeats' a few years ago now from America. It also has the letter that he wrote to me on the back of it. The comic strip is called 'Krazy Kat', and is still a really cool read. Cheers Skeats!  

                                                                                                    Posted by Heston Quiff

Instant Nowhere Kulture Dictionary: SMombie

Prounced 'smombee', this term describes a person who spends all of his/her time using social media websites on the internet. Sufferers of this syndrome are usually zombie-like in appearance, and can either have a smart phone in hand, engrossed in constantly reading and updating their blog / sharing site / twitter etc or they are hunched over their PC / laptop / mac etc doing the same.

It can become a form of addiction more challenging to quit than heroin, cocaine or even PCP drug addiction.

Sufferers can be recognised through 'twitter' fingers, which constantly need to be typing, as well as many other symptoms such as 'squinteye', 'slashspeak', 'commentrage', 'overpoke' and  'facewatching'.

Example: 'Terry toweling became a SMombie after spending several days in bed due to an all-over body rash, and just his smart phone for company.'

You are all the same

Collage H.M.P

This collage was created by Mr Brian Marigold Clog whilst on a brief 4 year sabbatical at Her Majesty's Pleasure Butlins styled holiday camp Norwich prison for crimes against humanity.

Posted by Mr Brian Marigold Clogs long lost identical Siamese twin Heston Quiff. 

How the stars relax part 4: Lindsay Lohan

I am an arse Clarinet virtuoso

Lyndsey Lohan, Septic Venezuelan knee wart, and time travelling blob of smegma, likes to relax by shoving a clarinet up her arse and playing the back catalogue of 'Acker Bilk'.

By Roland Barnacle

Car melting liquid wax

Red rubberised car melting liquid wax onto a simple truck stop a car melting liquid wax car a melting liquid wax towards instant nowhere parcels covered in liquid wax car melting holes all over my pinnacle pineapple wax car melting liquid wax over a storm eye liquid car juice melting wax to ....



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The Bilderberg Bitch



'Lady Muck'

Margaret Thatcher. A woman who ripped the heart from the country, and sold it's soul down the gutter on the say so of her masters 'The Bilderberg Group' and 'The Moriah conquering wind', finally has shit on her hands. The 'Iron Lady' is now simply 'Lady Muck'. Unlucky you sinister old krone!


By Arnie Canoe

Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber.

Mindless Golems 1

The mindless Golems represent the vaccuous mind controlled state that mankind is ever-more being steared towards by a systematic, and co-ordinated dumbing down of everything within society by the 'Moriah conquering wind'.

By Heston Quiff

How the stars relax part 2: Ben Elton



Satan makes me do it

Ben Elton, Satan's little coat hangar, and man voted most likely to enjoy hanging Goats from Willow trees likes to relax by hanging around Men's toilets dressed in a Medieval suit of Armour.

By Roland Barnacle

How the stars relax part 1: Piers Morgan

                       

What a great guy I am

Piers Morgan, vile length of decomposing flesh, and the only reason why the death penalty should exist likes to relax by drifting over the countryside in his private hot air balloon, and dropping stale sandwiches from enormous heights onto the heads of rosey faced Farmers.

Urban Dictionary: FHMd

Pronounced 'fummed', this is the experience a young lady has when she appears in any man's magazine with very few / or no clothes on. Whereas in the past it would be seen as low-brow, tacky and socially unacceptable for a young lady to appear in such a state in such a public manner, it is now generally accepted as the rites of passage for a young lady to become famous or to increase her fame. It has become so ingrained as part of western culture, that many young girls want to become FHMd when they grow up and see women who have been FHMd as role models to aspire to become.

The British tabloid newspaper called The Sun began the process of FHMing young women via their printing a new topless woman on page 3 of their paper every day. This activity has since integrated with the social phenomenon known as 'men's magazines' to create an entire male-centered industry of FHMd young women.

Once a woman is no longer desirable she is excluded from the ranks of FHMable women and must find another activity to partake in.

Example: Lydia Dormouse has recently become FHMd by appearing semi-naked in several of the top men's magazines.

Urban Dictionary: Celebrianity

The newly founded religion based upon worship of celebrities. This has become a growing trend in recent years, but its roots can be traced back to antiquity through the worship of famous personages such as Cleopatra, Julius Caesar, Alexander the Great, Hannibal, and up to modern times with superstars such as Madonna, Lady Gaga and David Hasslehoff. Historical scholars began documenting and worshipping celebrianity through their books written about famous figures such as Napoleon, Stalin and Hitler. What once was a small portion of humanity worshipping notable persons as their gods, has now become close to a majority of the population in the First World.

Media sources such as newspapers, online news and celebrity hungry magazines have become the fluid bible for the true believers. Just like any other religion there is a large diversity of beliefs between one another. Although there are core beliefs, some believers worship all celebrities as one, some only worship their favourite celebrities, others define a celebrity as a person who has reached class A status, while some worship all celebrities regardless of their class status (even so-called Z-listers). Many sects and cults have sprung up after fracturing from the original celebrianity to worship under their own rules.

It is also known that some believers live their entire lives in the same manner as their favourite celebrity, even identifying themselves completely as that celebrity. Some believers even become celebrities in their own right, which can cause a schism and a real test of their faith.

Example: Gillian Templeton is a staunch believer in the faith of celebrianity. She reads all celebrity magazines on a daily basis, has communion with fellow believers, and spreads the word of her celebrianity to infidels.

Urban Dictionary: Sexeffluophile

The lover of leaking sex acts through any medium (although sex video is by far the most common) to the general public. This is a common trait amongst the rich and famous who wish to revitalise their failing career or boost sales for a new film they are starring in / producing, a new book / piece of music they are releasing or to launch a new product (perfume, clothes range etc). In the past this bizarre behaviour would be met with disapproval and castigation from the general public. However, this unusual activity is now endorsed and almost totally accepted as part of a celebrity's duty to their fanbase.

The sexeffluophile will generally deny being involved in releasing their sex acts to the general public due to the lingering stigma still attached to openly admiitting to suffering from sexeffluophilia.

Example: Johnny Jupiter is a sexeffluophile and has leaked nude photographs and sex videos of himself all over the internet.

Urban Dictionary: Autobioaddictus

The terrible addiction of writing more than one autobiography in your own lifetime. This is found to be most prevalent among reality TV stars and celebrities in the early 21st century. Normally, for the autobioaddictat the first autobiography is written just after they have become famous. The second one is usually released within 12-18 months afterwards. More follow over the course of their life to ensure their reading audience is updated on their life developments. Katie Price aka 'Jordan' is an unfortunate sufferer of this cruel syndrome.

Example: 'After Tommy became famous through appearing in The Only Way is Essex, he began suffering from autobioaddictus. He has released five autobiographies to date over the past six years.'

Urban Dictionary: Beadleism

The lost art of using creotene and stereoids to develop one's writing hand to a gigantic size. This leaves the other hand at a smaller size and severe disadvantage. The term stems from former 80s and 90s TV favourite Jeremy Beadle who suffered from this condition. Hence the term 'beadleism'.

Example: 'By the age of 45 years old I became seriously addicted to beadleism and my right hand grew to at least five times the size of my left hand.'