Instant Nowhere Kulture Dictionary: Facewatching

The impressive ability of a person to spend hours watching the Facebook status of their friends but never actually commenting upon a single thing. This person is usually extremely intelligent and vastly superior to their acolytes, which is why they decide not to write. However, their skill is tragic because they constantly need to watch other people's status online in order to quietly sneer at the lack of real quality in their posts.

This is usually acquired by a person who is very new to online social media and progresses over time. Not even the use of the 'like' button is used, showing a very distant, aloof but incredibly smart stance by the facewatcher.

Example: 'Marvin would miss food and drink for days because he was too busy facewatching.'

Monthly piece of shit: January 2012

"I am great"

Every month a celebrity will be chosen from a long list of other hideous, talentless mongoloid celebrities to take pride of place as the "Monthly piece of shit" for that particular month.

For the month of January 2012 it has been decided by the readers of the magazines "Tosspot", and "Jap'seye" that the "Monthly piece of shit" for January 2012 will be none other than the utterley talenless, and eye droopingly nauseating Mr Simon Cowell.

Mr Cowell has spent an enormous amount of time and effort since his accidental creation inside a Cybernetics Laboratory many moons ago to gain celebrity status based on zero talent, colossal wealth by feeding like a parasite off the back of unsuspecting adulation craving wanabees, and fame based on having absolutely nothing in any way, shape, or form to be famous for.

And so for the reasons above, and as voted for by you, the readers of "Tosspot" and "Jap'seye" magazines, I give you the "Monthly piece of shit" for January 2012 Mr Simon Cowell.

By Roland Barnacle

                                                                                                                            

"Hi, My name is..Part 1: Lee Majors

"Hi, Remember me"

"Hi, My name is Lee Majors". You may remember me as the star of hit T.V. shows such as "The Fall Guy" in which I played a washed up, cumbersome, arthritic stunt man turned bounty hunter "Colt Seavers". You may also remember me as "The Bionic Man", and also as the star of films such as "The huge metal bastard", and also my whimsical self penned musicals "Veronica" and "My tuberculosis existence".  

But now as my career has faded away I have decided to become an inventor of action packed gadgets to enable all my fans (those still living), the chance to experience all the thrills and spills of my past action roles, but without the stints in rehab and A&E.

And so it is with great pleasure that I give to you my first invention "The Lee Majors Knee Catapult".

Using a combination of old Viking catapult technology, and by also working closely alongside NASA Free masonic Nazi Magician scientists, my design team were able to create a knee catapult so strong it was able to fire a Budgie into space using only a stage 3 tension out of a possible 10 (no Budgies were harmed during this experiment they were only killed to death).

Further test results showed that the "Lee Majors knee catapult" was also capable of firing "Paris Hilton" through a very dense hedge, and when tested by the United States Army deep within Area 51 the "Lee Majors knee catapult" was also able to fire a Stainless steel saucepan into "Johnny Depp's" flea ridden beard with no damage to either the saucepan or the beard.

The "Lee Majors knee catapult" can be fired from a standing position, missionary position, and even reverse Cowgirl, and utilises the best of 21st Century Hi-Tech materials such as Titanium, Horse hair, "Katie Prices" underwear elastic (very loose and giving), Strips of deadwood splinters from "Hugh Grants" ailing orchard of a career, and many other Top Secret Black Ops ingredients.

Sales of the "Lee Majors knee catapult" have sky rocketed straight to all "Poundland" stores worldwide, so be sure to snap up your very own "Lee Majors knee catapult" from a "Poundland" store near you while stocks last.

"Lee Majors" is currently staring as "Widow Twanky" in Pantomime at the "Bourbon Biscuit Floating Theatre". Tickets still available.

                                                                                                               By Roland Barnacle

Instant Nowhere Kulture Dictionary: SMombie

Prounced 'smombee', this term describes a person who spends all of his/her time using social media websites on the internet. Sufferers of this syndrome are usually zombie-like in appearance, and can either have a smart phone in hand, engrossed in constantly reading and updating their blog / sharing site / twitter etc or they are hunched over their PC / laptop / mac etc doing the same.

It can become a form of addiction more challenging to quit than heroin, cocaine or even PCP drug addiction.

Sufferers can be recognised through 'twitter' fingers, which constantly need to be typing, as well as many other symptoms such as 'squinteye', 'slashspeak', 'commentrage', 'overpoke' and  'facewatching'.

Example: 'Terry toweling became a SMombie after spending several days in bed due to an all-over body rash, and just his smart phone for company.'