The adventures of T.V. repair men 'Murtin and Marphy'

We are totally inept

Here we have two socially inept men called 'Steve Marphy' and 'Eddie Murtin'.

'Steve' and 'Eddie' are former actors who are now T.V. repair men and they spend many hours a day travelling from street to street, across the country dealing with all the jobs you would expect T.V. repair men to have to deal with which is most frequently problems with the functioning of a customers T.V. set.

Unfortunately though 'Steve' and 'Eddie' have absolutely no ability in fixing T.V. sets, and spend most of the day trying to read to the customers from their self penned scripts such as 'Another day without a sock', 'Beryl and the wicker basket full of old stuff', and 'The return of Captain Twiglet'.

However their inability to be able to actually fix a T.V. set leads them into a ridiculous world of surreal adventure and danger as they armchair wrestle with 'Mickey Rourkes' former face dressed in tight blue leotards, tackle violent penguins with chins, are chased by men with missing feet, and endure seismic clashes with their nemesis 'Barry Tadpole' king of the amphibians.


To read more of the ridiculous escapades of T.V. repair men 'Marphy and Murtin' visit INK Ltd's website at www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Kulture.


Written by Tommy Dandruff

Image by Heston Quiff


  

Graham's tweed shirt seizure

Oh Jeez..not another seizure...

As Julia shuffled slowly towards her husband Graham
Wearing a brand new
All in one
Over head dress
Topped off by a Dennis Healey eyebrow face mask
It all became
Far too much for poor ole Graham
To deal with
He gently started to raise up
Onto tip toes
His red tie began to flap
The tweed shirt Graham was wearing started quivering under his tank top
He started to gently dribble
And as his eyes started to roll in their sockets
Graham started to gently mutter "Oh jeez...not another seizure"
Over
And over
And over
Again
Until exhaustion
Caused him to collapse
Onto the bedroom floor
Face down
Amongst Julia's
Lacey
Underwear


This drawing was created in winter 2003 along with a few other drawings and comic strips.

I very rarely use colour in my drawings, and tend to keep things very black and white, except for maybe the odd splash of red here and there.


To view more drawings, comic strips, and many other forms of artwork visit INK Ltd's website at www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Kulture.



Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

Just fuck off part 3: Lady Ga Ga

MK ULTRA Robot

Here we have possibly one of the most blatant examples of Illuminated mind control from the illusionary world of celebrity.

'Lady Ga Ga' is quite clearly in two minds about everything...


If you would like to read more you will need to become a member of Instant Nowhere Korporation, which you can do at the following link for free:

Instant Nowhere Kulture Subscription

We look forward to you becoming a member of the Korporation...

Abstract Art Squit

Abstract 17

This abstract image was created whilst listening to an improvisation by experimental band 'The Harridans'.

I really enjoy listening to music when I am creating my artwork, and for me some of my favourite work has been created whilst listening to music by 'The Harridans'.

The track that I was listening to by 'The Harridans' was called 'The smelling corridor of History', and is a very stark, lengthy improvisation, but with flashes of optimism littered throughout the composition.

The blue panels of colour and line are the drum parts, whilst the black lines are the guitar parts that splice everything together. Vocals are represented using red line, and the flashes of optimism are the green background colours.

Angular key changes and tempo changes throughout the songs, and improvisations of the Harridans are a real inspiration when creating abstract artwork.

For more information on 'The Harridans' and all other creative outputs visit the INK Ltd website at www.instantnowhere.com for a complete Kultural alternative.


By Heston Quiff

The Bilderberg Bitch and the golem



Golem 6

Here we have a cumbersome golem accidentally stumbling onto the set of the hideous new film about the life of 'The Bilderberg Bitch' Margaret Thatcher.

Normally the golems unintelligible 'Garks' and 'Gronks' would be impossible to decipher or indeed understand, but here in this environment full of hideous reptoids, Illuminated freemasons, and ghastly individuals bellowing more carbon emmisions from their foul gobs than the Baku-Tbilisi-ceyhan pipeline, the golem is actually able to fit in really quite well.

For more insight into the world of the golems, and other creative oddities visit the INK Ltd website at www.instantnowhere.moonfruit.com and immerse yourself in an alternative Kulture.


By Arnie Canoe


  

Fragments of random universes

Universal fractures

Here we have a collage constructed using horizontal strips to try and create a multi-dimensional cross section of different universes all coexisting at the same time.

This idea is something that I apply to a great deal of my work as I am very interested in the possibility of this concept of multiple universes all coexisting at the same time being an reality.

Science Fiction has always been of interest to me, and time travel, along with multiple realities are the elements that have always intrigued me more than anything else.


To view more of my artwork, along with many other artists, writers, and musicians work visit INK Ltd's website at www.instantnowhere.moonfruit.com and subscribe to an alternative Kultural universe.


By Heston Quiff

Soulless Without Make-Up 1: Lindsay Lohan

Soulless #13029 'Lindsay Lohan': With Make-Up

Soulless #13029 'Lindsay Lohan': Without Make-up

Here we take a brief look at the stars without their makeup. Today we have the empty-headed, jail-bird, nervously broken-down, celebrity piece of flotsam, Lindsay Lohan, more-money-than-sense, dribbling away into nausea bags full of ready-made vomit.

Lohan definitely looks better without her make-up. Closer to the core of her eternally damned being. If you look closely you can see the souls of her dead ancestors peering through the holes in her own vacant image.

For more I would kindly suggest you make your way over to the INK website and subscribe you worthless mortal worms: www.instantnowhere.moonfruit.com

By the Dark Alma Mater

Size up some

What is being 'Sized up'

This collage was created back in the winter of 2002.

Again the fragmented image is almost smashed together in a similar way to some of my other work. This is to create the illusion of two separate universes colliding together in a seemingly random manner, but linked together by the slogan of the actual piece.

What is it that is being 'Sized up'?

That is for you to decide.


This piece along with an enormous collection of different styles of artwork are available at INK Ltd's website at www.instantnowhere.moonfruit.com take a look and subscribe to your favourites.


By Heston Quiff

Therapy sincerity

Therapy sincerity
Leaves me in need of an oxygen mask
Oh therapy
Sincerity

Therapy sincerity
Makes me roll nauseous sideways
Oh therapy
Sincerity

Therapy sincerity
Goads me to a distant padded cell
Oh therapy
Sincerity

Therapy sincerity
Turns my mind into piles of dust
Oh therapy
Sincerity

I just can't seem to handle
All the pressure that's thrown at me
Your Western sincerity
Leaves me in need of some therapy

My dreams are now broken
From the barrage of your bullshit
Your western sincerity
Leaves me pleading for therapy

Therapy
Therapy
Your Western sincerity
Therapy
Therapy
Your western sincerity
Therapy
Therapy
Your western sincerity
Therapy
Therapy
Your Therapy sincerity


This song was written in the summer of 2004 whilst under huge pressure at work.

It forms part of a collection of songs that revolve around the pressures of a capitalist driven workplace, society, and culture.


To view all of the songs in this collection, or to view any of the other musical outputs from the musicians at INK Ltd visit our website at www.instantnowhere.moonfruit.com
and subscribe to your favourites.


By Spartacus Mole

How the stars relax part 16: Mel Gibson

I invented the retractable ruler

Mel Gibson, Ageing sack of racist lung nuggets, and inventor of the retractable ruler, likes to relax by entertaining farmyard animals using the medium of mime.



To view more of INK Ltd's creative output including 'How the stars relax', 'News just in', and many other satirical writings visit our website via www.instantnowhere.moonfruit.com and subscribe to your favourites.


By Roland Barnacle

News just in: Fabio Capello is the new voice for Sooty and Sweep



Sooty and Sweep's new voice

NEWS JUST IN:


It has been announced that Fabio Capello, the former England manager is to be the new voice for childrens programme 'Sooty and Sweep'.

An unreliable source confirmed the ridiculous news after receiving a call from an imaginary neighbour of 'Matthew Corbett' the ginger nut biscuit behind the Sooty and Sweep show.

The caller who cannot be named as we don't know it, said that "Mr Capello" had "Mastered the art of incoherent voice squeaks" during his time as England manager. The annonymous caller also stated that because of his newly aquirred vocal gift Mr Capello felt it was "Neccessary to put his vocal talents to good use" and quickly arranged at meeting with Sooty and Sweep.

 A source close to somebody said that the meeting was like a "Match made in heaven", and said that the room was "Electric with excitement" at the prospect of such a collaboration.

When News just in tried to contact 'Mr Capello' to confirm the news our calls went straight to voicemail, but not before first hearing what sounded like a "Grumpy old man chewing a stick who had just sucked the helium from a barrage balloon" asking us to leave a message?

Could this voice have been 'Mr Capello's', the new voice for Sooty and Sweep?

Here at News just in we are still awaiting an answer to this ludicrous question, and preposterous story.


NEWS JUST OUT:


Written by Colin Murr

Picture by Johnny Phlegm

Gloria's fiery new eyes

My eyes are my best feature

Arriving at the modelling agency
Stinking of creosote
Cheap hairspray
And pipe tobacco
Gloria marched with a confident swagger up to the reception desk
The waiting models sniggered and rolled their eyes
Until the wafting stench hit them
One of the models retched violently almost losing her pelvis in the process
Gloria leaned over to ask the receptionist if she could go through
Gagging with her manicured hand over her mouth the receptionist waved Gloria through
Gloria marched into the room
Stepped onto the catwalk
And strode up and down like a spasmodic scarecrow
The casting couch were mortified
Their eyes watered copiously
One of the judges threw up their morning muesli into a bowl of fruit
Gloria marched up to them with an air of stench and confidence
The casting couch reeled back in horror
Gloria paused for a moment..
Smiled vacantly with her hands perched delicately on her hips and said confidently "I know, I know what you are thinking" there was a lengthy pause....
"Wha.. What are we err thinking" stammered one of the casting judges looking slightly nervous
Gloria puffed out her chest
Stood up straight
Looked down her nose with a subtle air of arrogance and said "I've got the job, it's quite obvious" 
The judges looked bemused
"What makes you think that you have got the job Gloria" enquired one of the judges
Gloria laughed loudly like a helium filled chicken
And said loudly "With fiery new eyes like mine how can you possibly find better"
The judges looked at each other and smiled
"But this is an audition for anti-ageing cream for wrinkly knees Gloria"
There was silence..
Gloria gulped
Smiled in a rather inane manner
Picked her left ear
Then strode out of the building
Wafting her horrendous stench behind her


This short surreal story is part of a bigger collection that are available via subscription on INK Ltd's website at www.instantnowhere.moonfruit.com   


Written by Tommy Dandruff

Image by Arnie Canoe

Free section from 'Twat' magazine: 'We are normal'



Ginger grease and rubber faced sweat

Here we have part:1 of a section from 'Twat' magazine titled 'We are normal'.

As you can appreciate there is absolutely fuck all normal about the two talentless cretins pictured above. The layers of sarcasm here are very deep indeed!

Ginger grease on a putrid stick of misogynistic and racist hatred 'Jim Davidson' is easily an individual who is very easy to despise. There is nothing pleasant about this pasty comedic saucepan, and his vile views towards many different individuals prove what a monumentally forgettable working men's club dinosaur of a relic he really is.

As for rubber faced sweat stained shop dummy 'Bobby Davro' here we have a classic example of a 'No trick pony' with about as much entertainment value as watching the natural movement of a patch of soil for 24hrs. His impressions are about as believable as the NASA Moon Landings and I am amazed he was able to even have a career based on having even less talent than a stationery marble.

For access to INK Ltd's magazines, artwork, writings, music, and all our other creative outlets visit www.instantnowhere.moonfruit.com to subscribe to our Instant Nowhere Kulture output.




By Roland Barnacle

Poster for experimental band 'The Harridans'

Here we have a poster that was created for experimental band 'The Harridans'.

It was created in the build up to a local gig that they had which resulted in them clearing the pub during a sound check before they had even started their set!

The black and white imagery of the old crone down a foggy alleyway scavenging for any old scraps is priceless. Her startled expression was just begging for a caption.

For access to the Harridans music, along with artwork for their album covers, gig posters, and other merchandise visit www.instantnowhere.moonfruit.com and subscribe to the world of the Harridans.


By Arnie Canoe

Tosspot magazine: 2 free pages



Tosspot Magazine

Here we have 2 free pages from the 1st issue of the INK Ltd magazine 'Tosspot'.

The magazine will be available on a monthly basis, and will only be available via subscription from our website.

The above image is in fact 2 internal pages from Tosspot magazine and is A4 in size. When part of the magazine each image will become A5 in size as they are individual pages from the magazine.

Tosspot is about splicing together many different types of magazines in a kaleidoscopic manner to turn the originals into a fractured mix up of themselves.

To subscribe to this and many other weird, humorous, ludicrous, and highly imaginative creative outputs go to www.instantnowhere.moonfruit.com


By Heston Quiff

Red mucous membranes

Red mucous membranes with the heavy sweet sweat of red mucous and limp nausea on colliding with silver hair flying torrid seven Tuesdays substance clinging cling clinging substance substance torrential rain engulf sycamore rangers astride large metal camels equipped with rubber wands and severed heads and eyes gouged yet tasty carrying carriers encasing encasing clinging cling a ling clinging substance on tightrope rolling on  thick cock cloud of zinc zebra bottled in schlock horror tastic horror ovens all gilded with cotton context and contacts sprawling limp cobra Verde venom with wet flippers a flip flip flipping to a slow rumble Tuesdays rambling over red mucous and red and mucous membranes membranes alive and well in tangled hell fire snot brigade with herds full to bursting with red and tasty astronaut in van dango queen crown all flatulent in gravy boat disaster as a cloud kicked up by stampeding horses uncovers the true extent of life's red mucous mucous red and mucous sting and flashy red mucous membranes


Derek sighed gently
As he slowly pissed his pants
It was great to feel free
To feel liberated
To feel free from restrictions
And to feel free from the endless yawn of catatonia
Derek sighed once more
Pulled his soaking wet pants down
Then farted violently
In the direction of his aquarium
And in the direction of his pet octopus
The seismic flatulence startled Derek's octopus
Causing it to spray ink from out of the aquarium
And directly into Derek's smiling face
Just like it always did
Day
After day
After day


The above cut-up writing was dissected, and rearranged during the summer of 2002.

The entire piece that this particular cut-up has been taken from is considerably longer than what you see above, but is far more surreal as opposed to repetitious, angular, and surreal.

At the foot of the page is a section from a comic strip that I have written many episodes for called 'Derek and the Octopus', and it has been my good fortune to have met up with a great illustrator called Charlie Cornflake who has very kindly put images to my story boards, of which they will all soon be available on INK Ltd's website.


Written by Spartacus Mole

Sandra's funny turn



Sandra began to feel odd again

As Sandra walked alongside her odious husband Alan
Down the local high street avoiding the shrivelled dog turds and discarded cigarettes
And past Alan's favourite pie and mash shop
A very familiar feeling started to come over Sandra again
Her body started to twitch and shake
Her eyes became glazed over like a heroin reject 
The tongue in her mouth started to slide towards her dribble covered chin
And as the background scene behind Sandra and Alan
Changed to that of a piece of notepad sized lined paper
Large streaks of coloured pen started to scribble
In a childlike frenzy
Over Sandra's eyes and body
And over the concrete floor which was now replaced by the lined paper
Alan shouted furiously at Sandra as his face was coloured green making him look like a huge septic ballbag
His trousers now sketchy red made him look like an angry tramp
It was all too much for Alan to bare
"What the fucks up with you ya silly bitch" Alan shouted loudly
Sandra staggered gently
Swayed ever so slightly
A huge length of dribble swung from her sopping wet mouth
She turned towards Alan
Opened her slobbering mouth and said "EERRrrr"
Before falling face down
In a puddle of her own spit


Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

Written by Tommy Dandruff

The golems and the giant pork chops with grilled tomatoes



Golems 5

Here we have another dilemma for the golems as they have stumbled into a world of giant pork chops and grilled tomatoes.

Unfortunately the golems are so stupid they really cannot tell the difference between humans and giant pork chops garnished with grilled tomatoes.

As the golems bumble about gibbering their dumbed down language of 'Garks' and Gronks' to each other, as well as to the giant pork chops and grilled tomatoes that pass them by, what is clear is that the golems have rendered themselves so detached from reality that they are even unable to converse with a giant pork chop, let alone a human being.


By Arnie Canoe

Hitler and the honey bee

The darkness within light: Image 2

Here we have one more image from the conceptual body of work containing a previously posted collage titled 'The dead acrobat of asylum'.

The image of Hitler and his evil entourage spliced with a mans face covered with honey bees, is again a reference to something within life that brings darkness/death, and something in life that is of crucial importance to us (without bees where would we be-no pun intended), and therefore bringing us light/life.

All of the other images that go together to form this entire conceptual body of work will be available shortly via INK Ltd's website along with many other forms of creative works.


By Heston Quiff

The dead acrobat of asylum

The darkness within light

Here we have a collage that is part of a selection of images that form part of a conceptual body of work that only use newspapers, black and white pictures, and any shading of words or images devoid of colour.

The main concept is basically 'The darkness within light', and can be interpreted in many ways by the viewer of the images.

The face behind the skull is child killer 'Ian Brady', easily one of the most evil men to crawl out of this country, and a perfectly good reason for bringing back the death penalty.

All of the content within this collage links in with the overall concept contained within the others that I have created, so to fully understand the piece they must all be viewed together, and this way they should all make perfect sense (Makes sense to me anyway).

The rest of the images in this conceptual collection will all be available to see shortly on the INK Ltd website. Details will follow soon.


By Heston Quiff

Abstract art squit 16



Abstract 16

Here we have another abstract piece of artwork that was created whilst listening to the experimental band 'The Harridans'.

The track this time was called 'Law is will' and is one of my favourites of all their songs.

From a dynamics point of view the abstract piece of artwork mimics the flashes of rage within the song as well as the carefully spaced changes in tempo and volume.

This time the blood red sections are the vocals as they are filled with venom and rage. The black lines are the drum parts that weave around the vocals in a tight yet jagged fashion. As for the guitar parts these are represented by the pastel coloured lines, as well as the blue streaks weaving throughout.

Again I have used Many different types of pens, colours, markers, and watercolour pencils to create this piece of abstract artwork.


By Heston Quiff

News Just In : Face of Mussolini found on a tray of fruit scones

Scone but not forgotten

NEWS JUST IN:


Reports are coming in from unreliable sources of the discovery amongst a tray of fruit scones of the face of long dead Italian fascist leader Benito Mussolini.

The face was apparently discovered by a sour faced ole murray mint stinking harridan called 'Ms Brenda Bunion' after she had taken the tray out of the oven some time earlier today.

Confused at first Ms Bunion initially thought that the face was just a really squashed and burnt sultana with a bowler hat on. But it wasn't until closer inspection that Ms Bunion realised the true identity of the image before her.

When News just in decided to meet the old crone, Ms Bunion was asked how she felt on discovering the face of Benito Mussolini amongst a tray of her fruit scones, she replied "I have terrible pains in my legs from varicose veins, and I am often incontinent to the extent where I need a life jacket in my own living room".

News just in decided to have a close look at the tray of fruit scones and indeed the face of Mussolini was clear for all our eyes to see.

However it must be pointed out that just because we here at News just in have stated that we have indeed seen for ourselves the face of Benito Mussolini amongst a tray of fruit scones, this does not mean that we cannot be payed even more to say something entirely different as opposed to the truth that is on offer.

  
NEWS JUST OUT:


Reported by Colin Murr

Picture by Johnny Phlegm

Please can you help?

MISSING GIANT MUFFIN

Please could you help me in finding my giant muffin that I baked over a week ago at my home in Croydon.

The giant muffin was to be a present for my neighbour as way of a 'thank you' gift for her deciding not to press charges on me for that unfortunate incident involving my winkle falling out when I was standing outside of her ground floor bedroom window late one evening a few weeks ago.

It was all just a terrible misunderstanding of which my neighbour, along with the police officers fully accepted, after I had explained to them that I do not normally forget to get dressed when going outside, nor do I allow my winkle to fall out when I am least expecting it.

Information as to the whereabouts of the giant muffin have been scarce, although there had been a report of a similar sized object sitting on a park bench next to Duncan Norvelle and a satchel full of discarded lard not far from where the giant muffin was last seen in Croydon.

The photograph of it inside a wheelbarrow was taken by my friend Alan Smart just after it had been baked, and is the only picture that we have of it to show to the general public.

If anybody has any information on the location of my missing giant muffin could they please contact Croydon police station, or Crimestoppers, or failing that one of the Gladiators, possibly Wolf as he was always the baddie on the show and needs a break for a change.


Yours hopefully


Mr Cedric Lawnmower Finch
102 Old Cobblers street
Not far from Dominoes Pizza
Close to the rear entrance of 'Silky Hands' Thai massage parlour
Croydon
London

How the stars relax part 15: Lee Evans

I love being Peter Pan

Lee Evans, Hyperactive brain fried spasmoid, and teacher of ancient bollocks, likes to relax by dressing in green tights, and gatecrashing children's school plays pretending to be Peter Pan.


By Roland Barnacle

Man who sleep worked all day

Man who sleep worked all day
Man with sleep in his eyes and brain
He stands comatosed by work
Comatosed by boredom
Comatosed by lack of stimulus
And comatosed by his very own existence

Man who sleep worked all day
Man with sleep in his eyes and brain
His eyes itch red tiredness
Brain flickers feverishly
Whilst he is pushed into corners
And squashed into the ground naked

Man who sleep worked all day
Man with sleep in his eyes and brain
He is numb from the brain down
Limp and ragged mind exhaustion
Frozen in a heartless shell
And shattered with an industrial wheel

The man
Who sleep worked
All day
He is pushed
And pulled
In many ways

The man
Who sleep worked
All day
He is squeezed
And dragged
In many ways

The man
Who sleep worked
All day
He is undervalued
An underpaid
Everyday

The man
Who sleep worked
All day
He is trapped in a corner
A corner with fractured glass
On the floor
The window frames
Are rough
And full of splinters
His existence
Is for others
To decide


This song was written in 2004 when I was seriously under pressure at work, and feeling like all my efforts were pointless, and in no way appreciated by the owners of the Company.

The song title is a play on the phrase 'Sleep walking' which is instead substituted, because that's how it felt at the time, with 'Sleep working'.

So many people have to deal with, and go through these kinds of situations on a daily basis, and it is those very people who tirelessly carry on, who I feel are the real backbone this country has propping it up, but at the same time getting no better thought of.



By Spartacus Mole

Brynner F.U.B : Super Evolved Man

I am a super evolved Man

The above image is an original picture and is based loosely on an old boss of mine.

Whilst working for a company a while ago now the Director, who incidentally was a 28 stone morbidly obese piece of shit, decided to state that the reason he was the size he was, was simply due to the fact that this was a stage of mankind's evolution.

This statement was so hilarious I really found it difficult to believe that somebody could be in such denial as to their own state of being.

Although to be fair the guy was as thick as shit and was always hard at learning when at school, and was only fortunate to be in the position of a Company Director in the first place due to nepotism, and not through any hard graft or having any serious Business sense of his own.

Funny how this type of situation repeats itself a lot throughout life.


By Charlie Cornflake

Hockney's guardian angel

I feel like I am being watched daily

After sifting through some magazines I found some great images of the artist 'David Hockney' that I have decided to cut out and use within my collage artwork.

The above image of David Hockney is one of my favourites due to the huge fur coat that he is wearing, and the orange trilby styled hat that he has perched on his head.

I really love the colours on the wall behind him as well, and the fragment of slogan for cough sweets gives the image an extra dimension. I also like the old styled car that you can just see a part of as this gives the image more of a feel of the period the original photograph was taken in.

As for the model taking up the other half of the image, I decided to use this picture as I felt that because of the way she was looking, it was as if she was watching over the image of David Hockney like some type of guardian angel who had decided to keep an eye on him when he goes about his daily routine.


By Heston Quiff

Abstract art squit 15

Abstract 15

This abstract piece of artwork was created whilst listening to a track by an experimental band called 'The Harridans'.

The name of the track is 'Murder to the beat' and starts off with a lengthy improvised intro of drums and guitar, which then launches into a heavy repititious tribal drum rhythm, accompanied by a very linear guitar part that threads through the whole track.

Vocals also help to pin down the experimental feel, whilst adding some very dark elements to give the song more conceptual weight.

In the abstract piece of artwork the black lines represent the vocals, the blood red sections are the drum rhythm, all of the lighter pastel tones are the linear guitar part, and all of the other colour shadings are the improvised sections.

The tiny gaps of light within the piece refer to the only section of the song that is in 4/4 time.

Everything else within the song are played in very angular odd time signatures.


By Heston Quiff


 

Bella's horrid Birthday cake

Bella was only seconds away from a tantrum

Here we have the morbidly obese, seriously spoilt, and never satisfied brat child Bella on the day of her Birthday.

As per usual the huge cake is not enough for this gluttonous young girls demands, and it is only a matter of time until a severe tantrum ensues in which Bella will not only demolish the cake, but all of her family and friends who are nervously singing "Happy Birthday" in the corner of the room.

All the cakes and toys in the world will never satisfy a grotesque child like Bella.

So what could make this monster child happy?


By Charlie Cornflake

Brians enormous disaster shirt

Where are my fucking trousers!!

Brian was furious.

His bloodshot eyes oozed menace as he ranted at his wife's appalling choice of shirt for him

The cuffs were rigid
The sleeves were far too long making Brian look like a hairy man gibbon
The material was cheap, starch riddled, and mind blowingly itchy
And next to Brian's scrawny neck
Sat two of the most gigantic shirt collars ever seen by human eyes

As if this wasn't enough to tip Brian over the edge there was an even bigger problem

Brian's wife had forgotten to buy him some new trousers to go with his shirt

So unfortunately for Brian, this horrendous shirt was now the only item of clothes Brian now owned, which was entirely due to the fact that Brian's wife had accidentally set fire to all of his clothes only a few days earlier with a hand built flame thrower that she had been working on in her spare time in their garden shed.


By Tommy Dandruff

Tempting sanity

Tempting sanity
Worn like a glove
Tempting sanity
In the bedroom
Tempting sanity
We are so in love
Tempting sanity
The Raven and the Dove

My hood and cape is never on right
Even with the purifying of Randal
A loose Cow
A rubber wand
An intravenous razor
All taking aim at the rich boys

Tempting sanity
Death is a cheat
Tempting sanity
Life is content
Tempting sanity
Winter to blow ice
Tempting sanity
disrupt your lament

The planks redefine everything
In light of all that has passed
A stray dog
A plastic fork
An umbrella scalpel
All aiming high at the rich boys

Should I jump passport
Too a loveless isle
By slowly tempting sanity

Will I be lonesome
In a woven cage
By slowly tempting sanity

From needles and pins
Should I feel glory
By slowly tempting sanity

The blood red sky
Is raining over me
By slowly tempting sanity


The above song was written in 2003 and is part of a selection of songs that form a set of musical material all with inter weaving themes such as sanity, temptation, isolation, and freedom.

A mix of surreal lyrics and a tiny amount of cut-up add to the feel of tempting a persons sanity within the song.


By Spartacus Mole

Wild eyed and on a leash

Here we have a rather surreal drawing of a wild eyed old man with his demonic beasts on a leash.

Normally my drawings are nothing like this but I have been working down at INK Studios with Heston Quiff of late, and he suggested an abstract approach but without losing the complete form of my character drawings.

I am pleased with the outcome as you can still see the figure of the wild eyed old man, his walking stick, and even his hat amongst the abstract approach of the image.

The demonic beasts were originally going to have more of a dog like detail, but Heston suggested that leaving these images with a slightly unfamiliar form would give it more of an abstract edge and other worldly feel.


Drawing by Charlie Cornflake.

Inspired by the strange world of Heston Quiff

Abstract art squit

Abstract 14

This abstract piece of artwork was created whilst on holiday in Menorca.

Secluded bays, amazing views, incredible weather, clear blue seas, and friendly atmosphere all end up in this abstract piece of artwork.

Wish I was there now (Snow outside and freezing).

I have used an assortment of coloured pens, markers, and water colour crayons to create this piece of abstract art.


By Heston Quiff

Multiple Hilda

My old multiple Hilda tended to her rusty robot chickens by dowsing them in leg irons and starting a riot which at 2.30am on a Sunday morning was fairly extreme as most people especially Betty turban always washed her robot chickens in thistles first rendering them like pissed and lethal to the extent of allowing all of the wealth of Bolivia to emanate from their torrid little cyber bellies which choked them to a giddy ole state of not knowing who had feathered them or who had just lamped them straight across the kisser putting them into a hole of soil and woeful discontent the likes of which has not been seen since Armand Von Kelp chose his bride by Otter wrestling ten king size Otters in the space of four days way back in the canyons of black sugarsville 1966


As the fragments of glass scattered  across the floor
Like tiny pieces of ice discomfort
A frail faced boy slowly appeared at the jagged hole in the window

There was a pause..

The T.V. blared out at full volume a repeat of Worzel Gummidge into the room
Seismic flatulence trumped out in F sharp minor
Then stirring from out of the cloud of yellow arse gas
Worzel Gummidge noise box blarings
And broken glass scatterings
Stood up a delicate figure of a woman
Dressed in a veil of nothingness
And holding something red and round in her pale petite hand

"Is this your cricket ball" She said softly

The frail faced boy looked nervously and said "Yes it is..sorry about your window..can I have my ball back please"

There was a lengthy pause...

The woman lit a cigarette and puffed seductively

Smiled gently

Then in a flash threw the ball square at the frail boys face
CRACK!!!
The impact knocked the boys eyes out of his head and into a small rose bush in the garden

There was a final pause

Cigarette smoke filled the room acrid and grey
The delicate woman
Dressed in a veil of nothingness
Slowly sat back down in her favourite chair
Scratched her bare arse briefly
Trumped loudly in E flat Major
And continued to watch the repeat of Worzel Gummidge
At an extreme ear splitting volume


This mix of cut-up and surreal prose goes back to early 1999.

It was created in much the same way as my other cut-up writings, but with a more subtle approach ready for the surrealist prose at the end.

By Spartacus Mole

Image from 'Twat' magazine issue 2: Helena Bonham Carter

I'm the star of Bullseye

Here we have another free image from the magazine called 'Twat' which is produced by the creative team at INK Ltd.

The above image of 'Helena Bonham Carter' was just after she had won a Bafta for her staring role as the quiz master in the film remake of the TV game show 'Bullseye' which originally stared 'Jim Bowen' as an over exuberant genetically modified northern dullard, who on a weekly basis tried to make sense of the contestants inabilities to throw darts at each others heads without making contact.

A special mention was also made on the night of the Illuminated award ceremony of 'Mrs Bonham Carters' ability to not require any special make-up effects on the set of 'Planet of the Apes', the remake carefully put together but her husband 'Pickled Tim' whilst he was quietly having a gigantic dump at a local shopping mall.


By Arnie Canoe

The Golems and the giant pastries

Golems 4

Here we have two hapless Golems that have stepped into a world of giant eccles cakes and assorted pastries.

Being so dumb the Golems believe that the giant cakes and pastries are actually able to converse like people, and spend much of their daft time and existence talking in Golem gibberish at the inanimate pastries.

The Golems are a new breed of super evolved humans who have decided to relinquish all common sense reasoning, understanding of any known subject, language and all forms of normal conversation, as well as knowledge of anything that enables mankind to open it's mind to that above the level of a freshly squeezed dog turd.

We must oppose this taking over of our minds before we to find ourselves having inane chats with giant pastries in the corner of some dumb wet street.


By Arnie Canoe

Odd one out part 2: IDS and Josef Stalin

Illuminated Freemason



Illuminated Freemason

Here we have part 2 of the game 'Odd one out', the game you can all play at home from the comfort of your very own favourite armchair.

Above you have two choices to decide from.


The first choice for our game 'Odd one out' is clearly one of the most grotesque puddles of grey suited vomit to slide along our illustrious pavements for a very long time (At least a few days anyway).

This individual, the walking equivalent of a hairless cat with knob rot, is none other than 'Iain Duncan Smith' the secretary of state for work and pensions.

In 'IDS', an abbreviated name that sounds more like a sexually transmitted disease than a piece of Tory arse wipe, we have an individual with a complete contempt for not only the working class, but pretty much all classes other than the hereditary illuminated ball bags that he fell out of the gutter from.

If 'IDS' had a soul it would be darker than all matter condensed resembling nothing more than a black blob of foul smelling indescribable sludge.

His loathsome gait and moronic views are so massively from the dark ages, one actually wonder if 'IDS' really is from some parallel universe in which he exists amongst a plague ridden village, littered with inbreds of equal calibre to his own although with much finer barnet's than his balding bollock of a bonce.


Our second choice for our game 'Odd one out' is Josef Stalin mass murderer for the 'Moriah conquering wind'.

Have you guessed who the 'Odd one out' is yet?

Feel free to send us you answers via our website at www.instantnowhere.com


By Arnie Canoe






 

Is this a new root or an old Tree?

Collage 3

This Collage is all about the distraction techniques that we are deliberately subjected to every day that try to divert our eyes from the true nature of reality that is happening right in front of us.

What do you see?

What do you want to see?

Are we all too complacent to the fragments of reality that are riddled with pain and suffering all around us because we are all far too busy, and content to drink ourselves into oblivion, or immerse ourselves in a world in which our primal instincts of a sexual nature are all that really drives us.

When will we decide to see for ourselves, without distractions or external manipulation, the reality that we are told is reality, for the monumental illusion that it really is.


By Heston Quiff

The price of a Technotronic Age

Every year more and more of the Rainforest's are being destroyed.

More and more species than ever are being being driven to extinction by the hands of corporate industries who are driven by the lust for money over life.

Capitalist driven consumerism drives us all into a virtual reality in which our lust and drive for objects of no real value leaves us in a 'Technotronic Age' which is cold, calculating, and lifeless.

This virtual reality of greed fuelled consumerism is detaching all of us from the true nature of our being, and it is also pushing us all further away from being truly in touch with who we are as a species.


By Arnie Canoe