Missing Boiled Egg Poster

This poster is a plea to all the good natured members of the public out there to help find my son's missing boiled egg.

All of our family have been frantically looking for over a week now, and we are becoming increasingly concerned as the weather is quite chilly at the moment, especially at night time, and we really do not want our son's boiled egg catching a cold or worst still being eaten by a fox.

We really cannot understand how the boiled egg was able to disappear from our son's power rangers egg cup in the first place as we were all only momentarily distracted from the table by our neighbour "Jim Jim" who was outside on his front lawn wrestling with his pet pig called "Sandra". This lasted for only 5 minutes at the most, yet when we turned back to the kitchen table the boiled egg was gone.

The police understandably are very busy at the moment, and they have really tried to be patient with our plight, but have found it almost impossible not to become aggressive with us resulting in the use of pepper spray, and rubber bullets being used on us as we keep constantly bombarding them with our idiotic theories on who could have taken our son's boiled egg.

One of our theories is that Satanic overlords have kidnapped the boiled egg for their blood curdling rituals. Another of our theories is that Mrs Miggins from No:9 sneaked in and stole the boiled egg on her mobility scooter to fill her own gluttonous stomach.

Whatever the reason we just want our son's missing boiled egg back in his power rangers egg cup, right next to his bread soldiers, which incidentally are really stale and crunchy at this moment in time.

If anybody can help please contact your local Crimestoppers helpline, or you can contact us directly on the address below.

Many thanks for your time

Mrs Beryl Blanket
1210 Semolina Court
The Witchfinder General Estate
Just left of Towering Inferno alleyway
Behind the burnt out Renault
The house with a rusty steel door
Careful of the Rottweiler
That's it right beside the Council tip


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Collage poster by Arnie Canoe

Written by Roland Barnacle

Please can you help?

MISSING GIANT MUFFIN

Please could you help me in finding my giant muffin that I baked over a week ago at my home in Croydon.

The giant muffin was to be a present for my neighbour as way of a 'thank you' gift for her deciding not to press charges on me for that unfortunate incident involving my winkle falling out when I was standing outside of her ground floor bedroom window late one evening a few weeks ago.

It was all just a terrible misunderstanding of which my neighbour, along with the police officers fully accepted, after I had explained to them that I do not normally forget to get dressed when going outside, nor do I allow my winkle to fall out when I am least expecting it.

Information as to the whereabouts of the giant muffin have been scarce, although there had been a report of a similar sized object sitting on a park bench next to Duncan Norvelle and a satchel full of discarded lard not far from where the giant muffin was last seen in Croydon.

The photograph of it inside a wheelbarrow was taken by my friend Alan Smart just after it had been baked, and is the only picture that we have of it to show to the general public.

If anybody has any information on the location of my missing giant muffin could they please contact Croydon police station, or Crimestoppers, or failing that one of the Gladiators, possibly Wolf as he was always the baddie on the show and needs a break for a change.


Yours hopefully


Mr Cedric Lawnmower Finch
102 Old Cobblers street
Not far from Dominoes Pizza
Close to the rear entrance of 'Silky Hands' Thai massage parlour
Croydon
London