Collage: Dress For The Moment

In casual distant memory box
On top of sand dunes cluttered
Viewing metal porpoises rusting
In calm sea dancing
To aquatic underwater symphonies
Swirling Wurlitzer blows bubbles
Drifting galleons down supper hastily
Inside out ribbons of fancy
Trailing against soft pink handshake
Cut into sections side pockets
Dowsed with petals silver showers
Enveloping her slow smoke bellows
Raising onwards to ageing rafters
Oiled torso twisting delicate
Drapes of silken blue tender
Inside neon red signs of adulation
Collecting teardrops in a tea cup
Without spilling the buried temptation
All rise
Dressed in shining golden armour
All rise
Dressed in tight leather tourniquet
All rise
Dressed in slim suit soft tailored
All rise
Dressed in white gown alter scurry
All rise
And wet embrace
Your invisible friend
Whilst slowly
Entwined with barbed wire
And casually
Spoon fed dripping honey
Yet always
With everlasting freedom
Dressing
For the moment


For more abstract collage artwork, cut-up writing, abstract paintings, surreal literature, comic strips, magazines, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your voice box to an Instant Nowhere Kulture.


Collage by Heston Quiff

Cut-up writing by Spartacus Mole

Celebrity Binman Part 2: Carole Malone

I'm Zelda from the Terrahawks

Here we have part two of the game "Celebrity Binman", a game which you can play from the comfort of your very own Charles Dickens armchair, or massively out of shape Thomas the Tank Engine bean bag. To play you must be a subscriber to our website, this way you will be able to cast a vote from the list of potential victims..er I mean participants.

Part one saw the silver haired squeak "Philip Schofield" chosen to endure a week of gruelling twelve hour shifts at the mercy of not only the binmen themselves, but the grime of the nation. By the end of the week "Mr Schofield" was as limp as a Vicars handbag, and babbling incoherently like a backwater simpleton. All in all a resounding success I think you will agree.

For part two of "Celebrity Binman" we see that the good ole subscribers have chosen that foul minded old crone "Carole Malone" to participate in "Celebrity Binman". Looking like "Zelda" from eighties sci-fi puppet drama "Terrahawks", and with all the personal appeal of a flea ridden, urine stinking cat that has just decided to throw up a football sized hairball encrusted with stomach bile, mice skulls, and half digested cat food, "Carole Malone" is clearly a worthy choice for this role. And with no resounding talent in any way, shape or form, no better choice could have been made for this months game.

The location for "Carole Malone" to spend a week of gruelling twelve hour shifts as a "Celebrity Binman" is deep in the heart of the East end of London amidst a backdrop of dark cockney drum and bass, Jack the Ripper style Masonic slashings, drugged up alleyway bum bashings, and sky vomit wipeouts. The binmen will take the horrible old bastard "Carole Malone", who incidentally used to be "Peter Cushings" stunt double for a short time, around some of the most disgusting areas they can find in an attempt to get "Zelda" closer to her natural self.

No attempt will be made at any time to pander to the whingeing, crying, pleading for mercy or multiple breakdowns that may ensue as the week goes on for this months "Celebrity Binman" choice "Carole Malone".

And so there we have it. This months choice to spend a week as a "Celebrity Binman" is that hideous, repugnant old cretin "Carole Malone". Stay tuned to find out the outcome of this game next time on "Celebrity Binman".


For more savage celebrity satire, odd one out, political humour, only a handful of people exist, how the stars relax, walking corporate billboards, the may faces of Victoria Beckham, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your thighs to an Instant Nowhere Kulture.



Written by Roland Barnacle

Collage: All Back To Mine

Raise your concrete glass
With paper trail in closet
Gangrene yourself a new personality
Strip down cold war jackets
Raise purple ruffles to the moon
Spray scent into your eyes brown widening
Call out names blue turbo
Wood shaving bags in corner wet shade
All back to mine
For a custard tart replay
And rum truffle fondling
Without the happy medium
Of being in the end contented
Draped in sunflower knitted scarf
Long length to red knees
keeping warm your knocking knee caps
All back to mine
All back to mine
For a finger of fudge
And a half time giggle resistor
All back to mine
All back to mine


Yet again a huge thanks to INK House Studios collaborator Spartacus Mole for taking the time to construct these cut-up words to go with my piece of collage artwork. The collage is 50 cms x 50 cms, and is available via the deviant art link on our website along with many other pieces of artwork.

For more collage artwork, abstract paintings, comic strips, illustrations, cut-up writing, magazines, music by The Harridans and Fat Wife Skinny Husband, political satire, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your armpits to an Instant Nowhere Kulture.


Abstract Collage by Heston Quiff

Cut-up words by Spartacus Mole

Missing Boiled Egg Poster

This poster is a plea to all the good natured members of the public out there to help find my son's missing boiled egg.

All of our family have been frantically looking for over a week now, and we are becoming increasingly concerned as the weather is quite chilly at the moment, especially at night time, and we really do not want our son's boiled egg catching a cold or worst still being eaten by a fox.

We really cannot understand how the boiled egg was able to disappear from our son's power rangers egg cup in the first place as we were all only momentarily distracted from the table by our neighbour "Jim Jim" who was outside on his front lawn wrestling with his pet pig called "Sandra". This lasted for only 5 minutes at the most, yet when we turned back to the kitchen table the boiled egg was gone.

The police understandably are very busy at the moment, and they have really tried to be patient with our plight, but have found it almost impossible not to become aggressive with us resulting in the use of pepper spray, and rubber bullets being used on us as we keep constantly bombarding them with our idiotic theories on who could have taken our son's boiled egg.

One of our theories is that Satanic overlords have kidnapped the boiled egg for their blood curdling rituals. Another of our theories is that Mrs Miggins from No:9 sneaked in and stole the boiled egg on her mobility scooter to fill her own gluttonous stomach.

Whatever the reason we just want our son's missing boiled egg back in his power rangers egg cup, right next to his bread soldiers, which incidentally are really stale and crunchy at this moment in time.

If anybody can help please contact your local Crimestoppers helpline, or you can contact us directly on the address below.

Many thanks for your time

Mrs Beryl Blanket
1210 Semolina Court
The Witchfinder General Estate
Just left of Towering Inferno alleyway
Behind the burnt out Renault
The house with a rusty steel door
Careful of the Rottweiler
That's it right beside the Council tip


For more ludicrous missing posters, fake letters, news just in, how the stars relax, celebrity binman, only a handful of people exist, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your nostrils to an Instant Nowhere Alternative Universe.


Collage poster by Arnie Canoe

Written by Roland Barnacle

The Diamond Jubilee Golem

Just as the diner
Sat down at the table
After a brief visit
To the toilet
For a minor adjustment
Of his snagging pants
A small rip
In the fabric of space
Opened up
Spewing out
A rather sleepy
Yet ultimately dumb looking
Red, White, and Blue
Diamond Jubilee Golem
With a soft splat
The Golem landed
Onto the diners
Succulent salmon
With creamy sauce topping
And
After a brief internal yawn
That caused stomach rumblings
And a brief expulsion of gas
The Red, White, and Blue
Diamond Jubilee Golem
Slowly closed
His tired eyes
Leaving the hungry diner
To watch open mouthed
As his food
Slowly
Turned
Cold


For more Golem adventures, comic strips, abstract artwork, only a handful of people exist, how the stars relax, music by The Harridans, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your ankles to an Instant Nowhere Alternative Universe.


Image by Arnie Canoe

Written by Arnie Canoe

How The Stars Relax Part 20: Des O'Connor



I love whistling inane tunes

Des o'connor, cryogenically frozen mahogany sideboard, and whistler of innane tunes, likes to relax by getting pissed up on cooking sherry and racing around his garden using his very own NASA designed Jetpack.


For more how the stars relax, celebrity binman, monthly piece of shit, only a handful of people exist, odd one out, political satire, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your armpits to an Instant Nowhere Kultural Universe.


Written by Roland Barnacle

The Apes Have Evolved

The year is 3978 AD.

The post apocalyptic wasteland that is Earth has endured a reversal of fortune for the two dominant species that exist on Earth: Man and Ape.

Where as once Man was the dominant species, now it is the great Ape that is the dominant of the two species.

However, as the years have passed, with Earth slowly evolving, and recovering to a more lush state, so to the great Apes have slowly evolved, adapting and changing their natural primal behaviour, to something far more serene.

And so it is that the great Apes have now warmed to the wearing of tight leather clothing, and corset like body armour caressing every muscle and sinew.

Riding Horses at a frightening pace to scare and round up the humans has been replaced with slow, leisurely jaunts through the woods and streams, taking humans on days out using flamboyant wagon trains pulled by their well groomed stallions.

Gone are the savage beatings of Man, and staggering uncontrollable rages, being replaced by tree top banana parties, desert bowls competitions, canyon yodelling, tree planting and flower cultivating, and also woodland fashion shoots.

The savage great Apes have evolved.

Evolved into a far more gentile form of Ape. 

Creating a idyllic Utopia for all of Gods creatures including Man.

Welcome

To Planet of the Gaypes.


For more of Planet of the Gaypes, humorous parodies, ludicrous short stories, savage celebrity satire, abstract collage artwork, cut-up writing, music, and much more visit wow.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your earlobes to an Instant Nowhere Alternative Universe.


Written by Tommy Dandruff

Artwork by Arnie Canoe








    

Who Do You Choose?

The dog in the above picture is called 'Bovril' and he is wearing a tailored suit from savile row. He is dapper and well groomed, and a very healthy looking dog indeed

Mr Virgil Branflake is also well groomed, healthy, suitably suited, and dapper.

However one of these two individuals needs to be put down as there is only enough money for one of them to survive in the care home they belong to due to Government cut backs, and fake economic reform amidst a manufactured recession.

The choice is a tough one to make.

Who do you choose?

The well groomed, and healthy dog named 'Bovril' wearing a dapper suit?

Or the healthy, well groomed man called Mr Virgil Branflake, also wearing a dapper suit?

Answers on a postcard...


For more ludicrous celebrity satire, news just in, odd one out, how the stars relax, magazines, music, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your eyeballs to an Instant Nowhere Kultural Universe.


Collage artwork by Arnie Canoe

Written by Arnie Canoe

Anti-Capitalist Golem

Here we have yet another mindless Golem seen here at a recent protest rally demonstrating against the pincer like grip of the fascist capitalist system.

Unfortunately though the Golem has no idea what he is doing at this protest march, or what capitalism actually stands for, he is just blindly following the crowds as always like a fat sheep with a stitched up mouth.

And even when the Golem is bowled over by a slobbering Police Horse, he just grunts and grins believing this violent action to be part of this fun day out he is taking part in.


For more Golem escapades, ridiculous satire, collage artwork, magazines, comic strips, abstract paintings, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your ego to an Instant Nowhere Alternative Universe.


Artwork by Arnie Canoe



  

The Adventures Of Pincer Boy

On a daily basis
Come rain
Or shine
Neil would sneak off
Like an incompetent ninja
Into his purpose built
Bat cave style lair
Which was in fact
A disused
Anderson shelter
full of cobwebs
Crusty paint brushes
And old pots
Of hardened paint
And not in the slightest bit
Purpose built
So he could put on
Whilst listening to
The theme from 'The Professionals' 
Which would be blaring out
And at least
An octave lower
Than the original theme
Due to failing batteries
And internal corrosion
From an old ghetto blaster
with single tape deck function
His 'Mask of Fear'
That was actually
A brown paper bag
With the eyes and mouth
Crudely cut out
And 'Pincer Boy' gloves
That had been made
Using an old pair
Of 'Power Rangers' socks
Enabling Neil
To be ready
For another round
Of scaring the shit
Out of his neighbours
And any
Unsuspecting
Passers by
With his alter ego
'Pincer Boy'
The boy
With Pincers
For hands
And his fearsome
Mask
Of fear


For more comic strips, drawings, surreal short stories, T-shirt designs, cut-up writing, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Alternative Universe.


Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

Written by Tommy Dandruff

The Baron Frankenstein School Of Plastic Surgery

The Baron Frankenstein School of Plastic Surgery has all the answers to your superficial facial concerns.

As you can imagine the woman above would lead a life of misery due to the fact that she has the face of two painted children instead of two eyes, a nose, and a mouth. But for only £150 this lady is able to transform her face into something altogether more socially acceptable, and alluring to the opposite sex, saving her from the pain of living her life like that of a social leper and a freak.

Surgical techniques available for £150 are as follows:


1) The cranial knee stretch

2) Rosy cheek bleaching (for the arse also)

3) Nose brow configuring

4) Ear sculpting

5) Dr Chisels elbow tightener

6) The floundering Trout mouth


So for only £150 you too could transform your life with the help of our highly skilled, and CRB checked Romanian surgeons who, due to Government visa restrictions, will only be available for a short period of time before deportation.

Remember, The Baron Frankenstein School of Plastic Surgery can change your life from that of a socially inept reject, into a Hollywoodised stepford biped, and all for the price of a cheap night out with one of the cast from Holby City.

So go on....Transform your life at The Baron Frankenstein School of Plastic Surgery.


For more comic strips, fake news reports, surreal short stories, cut-up writing, prose, poetry, abstract paintings, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Parallel Universe.


Collage by Arnie Canoe

Written by  Roland Barnacle

Trevor's Feathered Suit

As Trevor staggered
Rather intoxicated
Towards Veronica
After drinking ten cans
Of special brew
And sniffing an entire box
Of perished super glue
Veronica stared
In a sinister manner
Whilst casually smoking 
A dog end
Recently picked
From the sole
Of her shoe
At the feathered
Figure of Trevor
As he wobbled in front of her
Like a giant
Epileptic Chicken
Veronica's dark
Sunken eyes
Looked Trevor up and down
And she smiled
A sickly smile
Before declaring
"Oh I do like a man in feathers"
Which prompted Trevor
To squeak a reply
Like some kind of
Giant
Feathered Mouse
Before instantly turning red
Emptying his bowels
Into the Chicken suit
And collapsing
Face down
Into a recently dropped
Half eaten
Strawberry Cornetto
Ice cream


For more comic strips, surreal short stories, abstract paintings, collage artwork, and more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Kultural Universe.


Drawing by Charlie Cornflake

Written by Tommy Dandruff

Freaky Fashion Part 2

We are fashion icons

Oh dear! It looks like the Beckham's have gone a bit too far with their constant changing of freaky fashion styles, and ever changing hair cuts.

This image shows Victoria sporting the muzzle of a big cat which by all accounts is very much in this season, as well as the surgically attached eyes of another sorry individual who probably didn't need a pair of eyes anyway.

As for David, well this Bobby Charlton styled peroxide flick gives him the look of a reject from shat munchers Take That, and yet again a set of surgically attached eyes from yet another random stranger really does add to this mutated freaky fashion look.

Strangely enough nobody seems to be paying a blind bit of notice to this couple of mind spanked individuals, and this could be due to the fact that either nobody gives a flying arse spurt about them, or alternatively that nobody gives a flying arse spurt about them.

Whatever people think about this couple of bum twigs, the fact remains that, regardless of what people may think, they are still both in the eyes of INK Ltd a couple of bum twigs.


For more surreal celebrity satire, freaky fashion, royal mutations, cut-up lyrics, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe your colon to an Instant Nowhere Kulture.


Collage by Arnie Canoe

Written by Roland Barnacle

How The Stars Relax Part 19: Julia Roberts

I'm a human hat pin

Julia Roberts, rubber mouthed human hat pin, and professor of Astro stupidity, likes to relax by pushing discarded shopping trolleys into ornate ponds.



For more ridiculous celebrity satire, fake news reports, surreal short stories, magazines, comic strips, and much more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Universe.


Written by Roland Barnacle

Hooray For Hollywood Waffle: T-Shirt Design

Here we have another T-shirt design from the bowels of INK House Studios.

The design itself is in the shape of a T-shirt, albeit a rather stretched, and anatomically deformed one, and consists of an image of one of Hollywood's most ridiculous characters 'Rambo'.

Played by one of the worlds most appalling actors 'Sylvester Stallone', Rambo is easily a great example of why Hollywood really is the producer of the most vacuous garbage on earth.

As you can see in the image Rambo's eyes are not his own, and the slogan above his thick skull is a piss take aimed at the applauding masses who view films like Rambo as 'Entertainment' even though it is amidst the carnage of Vietnam, and all the horrors surrounding what was yet again another great example of a manufactured drug war.


For more T-shirt designs, collage artwork, abstract paintings, cut-up writing, surreal short stories, and more visit www.instantnowhere.com and subscribe to an Instant Nowhere Universe.


T-shirt design by Heston Quiff