How the stars relax part 3: Kenny Rogers



I am a juggling Sasquatch

Kenny Rogers, Guitar twanging Sasquatch, and the only man on Earth with musical shit, likes to relax by teaching Mensa students how to juggle warm sheep's testicles whilst heavily sedated on Diazepam.


By Roland Barnacle

Car melting liquid wax

Red rubberised car melting liquid wax onto a simple truck stop a car melting liquid wax car a melting liquid wax towards instant nowhere parcels covered in liquid wax car melting holes all over my pinnacle pineapple wax car melting liquid wax over a storm eye liquid car juice melting wax to ....



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Instant Nowhere Kulture Subscription

We look forward to you becoming a member of the Korporation...

Only a handful of people exist 1: Russell Brand

The world only consists of a few hundred people, all of the rest are just imitations according to the mainstream media. The beautiful people of today are the same as the beautiful people of the past and the beautiful people of tomorrow.

A friend of stroke victim Jonathan Ross is his male bimbo partner in slime Russell Edward Brand. The walking medication cabinet junkie Brand was born in Grays, Essex as the only child to a family of photographers. He had an isolated and lonely childhood which in his 'adult life', if you can call it that, he is desperately trying to make up for by surrounding himself with all manner of members of the criminally insane including fifteen of his own multiple personalities. The boy has problems...

In order to read more about this please become a member of Instant Nowhere Korporation by following the link:

Instant Nowhere Kulture

We look forward to welcoming you to the Korporation...

The Bilderberg Bitch



'Lady Muck'

Margaret Thatcher. A woman who ripped the heart from the country, and sold it's soul down the gutter on the say so of her masters 'The Bilderberg Group' and 'The Moriah conquering wind', finally has shit on her hands. The 'Iron Lady' is now simply 'Lady Muck'. Unlucky you sinister old krone!


By Arnie Canoe

Faulty Reactions in Living

A full comic strip concerning the story of our dear protagonist, Jordan Constable, is in the
wings, waiting to be released on the Instant Nowhere Korporation website in the very near
future.

The story concerns the progress of a diagnosed psychopath as he meets up with many
interesting people throughout his life. Under the working title: 'Faulty reactions in living',
it is an unnerving tale of not just the psychology of a classified psychopath but also that of
the society at large. 

Parts of it will be released here and the full story will become available in 2012 for
subscribers to the Instant Nowhere website.

By Raygun

Faulty Reactions in Living

Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber.

Mindless Golems 1

The mindless Golems represent the vaccuous mind controlled state that mankind is ever-more being steared towards by a systematic, and co-ordinated dumbing down of everything within society by the 'Moriah conquering wind'.

By Heston Quiff

New York Doll



Collage 4

This collage is about viewing the freedom of non-conformist creativity, expressed heavily through the punk era, through a small rectangular window.  


By Heston Quiff

How the stars relax part 2: Ben Elton



Satan makes me do it

Ben Elton, Satan's little coat hangar, and man voted most likely to enjoy hanging Goats from Willow trees likes to relax by hanging around Men's toilets dressed in a Medieval suit of Armour.

By Roland Barnacle

How the stars relax part 1: Piers Morgan

                       

What a great guy I am

Piers Morgan, vile length of decomposing flesh, and the only reason why the death penalty should exist likes to relax by drifting over the countryside in his private hot air balloon, and dropping stale sandwiches from enormous heights onto the heads of rosey faced Farmers.

View through a fractured kalaidescopic lens

collage 2



This Collage represents a multi-dimensional look at life through a fractured kalaidescopic lens. All layers are viewed at the same time, even though they exist, and have existed at completely different points in space time.

By Heston Quiff

Four Fractured Universes

collage 1

This Collage represents Four fractured universes, each seperate from each other, but coexisting simultaneously within each others universe without the knowledge of each others existence.

By Heston Quiff

Urban Dictionary: FHMd

Pronounced 'fummed', this is the experience a young lady has when she appears in any man's magazine with very few / or no clothes on. Whereas in the past it would be seen as low-brow, tacky and socially unacceptable for a young lady to appear in such a state in such a public manner, it is now generally accepted as the rites of passage for a young lady to become famous or to increase her fame. It has become so ingrained as part of western culture, that many young girls want to become FHMd when they grow up and see women who have been FHMd as role models to aspire to become.

The British tabloid newspaper called The Sun began the process of FHMing young women via their printing a new topless woman on page 3 of their paper every day. This activity has since integrated with the social phenomenon known as 'men's magazines' to create an entire male-centered industry of FHMd young women.

Once a woman is no longer desirable she is excluded from the ranks of FHMable women and must find another activity to partake in.

Example: Lydia Dormouse has recently become FHMd by appearing semi-naked in several of the top men's magazines.

Urban Dictionary: Celebrianity

The newly founded religion based upon worship of celebrities. This has become a growing trend in recent years, but its roots can be traced back to antiquity through the worship of famous personages such as Cleopatra, Julius Caesar, Alexander the Great, Hannibal, and up to modern times with superstars such as Madonna, Lady Gaga and David Hasslehoff. Historical scholars began documenting and worshipping celebrianity through their books written about famous figures such as Napoleon, Stalin and Hitler. What once was a small portion of humanity worshipping notable persons as their gods, has now become close to a majority of the population in the First World.

Media sources such as newspapers, online news and celebrity hungry magazines have become the fluid bible for the true believers. Just like any other religion there is a large diversity of beliefs between one another. Although there are core beliefs, some believers worship all celebrities as one, some only worship their favourite celebrities, others define a celebrity as a person who has reached class A status, while some worship all celebrities regardless of their class status (even so-called Z-listers). Many sects and cults have sprung up after fracturing from the original celebrianity to worship under their own rules.

It is also known that some believers live their entire lives in the same manner as their favourite celebrity, even identifying themselves completely as that celebrity. Some believers even become celebrities in their own right, which can cause a schism and a real test of their faith.

Example: Gillian Templeton is a staunch believer in the faith of celebrianity. She reads all celebrity magazines on a daily basis, has communion with fellow believers, and spreads the word of her celebrianity to infidels.

Urban Dictionary: Sexeffluophile

The lover of leaking sex acts through any medium (although sex video is by far the most common) to the general public. This is a common trait amongst the rich and famous who wish to revitalise their failing career or boost sales for a new film they are starring in / producing, a new book / piece of music they are releasing or to launch a new product (perfume, clothes range etc). In the past this bizarre behaviour would be met with disapproval and castigation from the general public. However, this unusual activity is now endorsed and almost totally accepted as part of a celebrity's duty to their fanbase.

The sexeffluophile will generally deny being involved in releasing their sex acts to the general public due to the lingering stigma still attached to openly admiitting to suffering from sexeffluophilia.

Example: Johnny Jupiter is a sexeffluophile and has leaked nude photographs and sex videos of himself all over the internet.

Urban Dictionary: Autobioaddictus

The terrible addiction of writing more than one autobiography in your own lifetime. This is found to be most prevalent among reality TV stars and celebrities in the early 21st century. Normally, for the autobioaddictat the first autobiography is written just after they have become famous. The second one is usually released within 12-18 months afterwards. More follow over the course of their life to ensure their reading audience is updated on their life developments. Katie Price aka 'Jordan' is an unfortunate sufferer of this cruel syndrome.

Example: 'After Tommy became famous through appearing in The Only Way is Essex, he began suffering from autobioaddictus. He has released five autobiographies to date over the past six years.'

Urban Dictionary: Beadleism

The lost art of using creotene and stereoids to develop one's writing hand to a gigantic size. This leaves the other hand at a smaller size and severe disadvantage. The term stems from former 80s and 90s TV favourite Jeremy Beadle who suffered from this condition. Hence the term 'beadleism'.

Example: 'By the age of 45 years old I became seriously addicted to beadleism and my right hand grew to at least five times the size of my left hand.'

This Vile Ennui

The earth resounds around the subtle orb of life
Out of the formless void shudders malnourished spirit
Ancient times had real technology
What is kept from our sight today is tomorrow's manna
To whip up a storm from afar
To control a desert and abyss
To place all non-competitive bloodlines within
To pauperise millions through monetary scams
To bring down great depressions on the heads of those who do not count
To clothe nature itself in symbolic godheads
To divest humanity of it's true essence
The RFID chip
The telomerase twitterings
Younger and more splendid the idle slob rich

These are the secret longings of our secret elite
You can trust the amorphous masses to trust in their keepers
Their spiritual overlords
To keep them tame
With images moving or still
With words as cages
With news as lies
With lies as news
Oh what a carve up of the stage upon which we pray
Together but apart
The muslims the christians the buddhists the sikhs
The jainists the gentiles the jews the whores
The gnostics the etruscans the mithrans the modern day scythians
The infected the infested the brain damaged the manipulated
Those who believe in paper over gold
Those who sing songs for the person who pays for the tune
Those who have long since realised what is the illusion
And what is the real
For You Tube and the anti-intellect
For feelings that have vanished and the dross that has taken their place
For bridges that were built lying broken and torn
For centuries of rewriting the historical morass
For plunging and purging of morals and life
For making hate universal wrapped up in love
For modern day stars for modern day rock
Artifacts since rediscovered
Nazca and Machu Pichu
Giza and Ark of the Covenant
Delirious science discarded and lost

This is the cross roads where we lose our minds
To the small time madness of petty crooks and their kind

So bow down and starve
Shit children
Populate
Selling your sanctuary for crippled visions
The Alpha and Omega
Both end up the same
Neither is true
They are both the same
The game is more amusing the further removed
And strutting your stuff is shambolic and vain

Manipulate
Control
Desecrate
Decay
Suicide

By Raygun

Sordid Grief Hole

When the Instant Nowhere Korporation website is finally finished, we will be able to allow all of our good readers to see our vast bunker of material. So in the spirit of the season I thought we should give you a taster of our Jap's Eye magazine-thingy. The idea was to be going a little bit further than Private Eye would dare to go. After all, once you are establishment, pampered and perfumed by the rich, it becomes almost impossible to create anything of relevance. Isn't that right Mr Hislop, with your glowing accolades for the Rothschilds?

Anyway have a read of one of the recurring sections of the magazine titled 'Sordid Grief Hole'. Every episode will have a unique 'gripe' about the society in which we live by the adorable old Vera Snipe. Let her play her tune!

Sordid Grief Hole

By Old Vera Snipe

This week we have heard an awful lot of gripes emanating from the over-50s. The majority of these gripes have been because this socially abnormal bunch of chaps think that the majority of the British workforce is unskilled. In their day the whole of the British workforce were highly skilled and could hold their own with their foreign rivals. Nowadays, they say, our workforce could only hold its own begging the Third World parasites for a bit of their earnings and a place to sleep for the night. 

Jap’s Eye wishes to address this grievance for it’s gross inaccuracy. The British workforce of today is highly skilled... in alienation, idiocy, bureaucracy, inadequacy and all round mediocrity. These great skills that have been long cultivated in our country over the generations have been brought to fruition on our latest bunch of social outcasts who rule over all of us. The right honorable Tory-Liberal-Green-Labour Government has managed to bring us all of these skills and more benefits for our workforce that they have inherited from their forefathers. Things like cutting corners, selling everything off for a quick buck, denying all responsibility and failing to deal with the real world have been well-taught to this generation of young don’t-wanna-go-getters. 

Our parents never tire of telling us of all of the things that they have done to make our lives better through their hard efforts. It’s true as well. They have brought us some very important measures that have ensured that the majority of us will be a lot, lot poorer than they were when they were of working age. They’ve given us 100 year mortgages, longer working lives, fully privatised education, in-roads into privatising the whole of health care, transportation and just about any other service you can think of, as well as the destruction of the equal-for-all communist states that used to trouble their malignant liberal minds. Such great gifts have been well-treasured by this new generation and thankfully due to the impoverishment this has caused has led to a whole new wave of criminal masterminds.

Due to such low levels of crimes that lead to convictions, our forefathers truly have excelled in their drive for criminal justice. They have made the dear criminal the one true celebrity left in this country. Someone who has celebrity status for actually doing something! Yes, it’s true. These mindless thugs who stab up unsuspecting passersby, the crack-head gunman who shoots children in the face, street muggers, violent rapists and burglars have all finally been given a bit of a reward for their troubles. It now feels truly unsafe to walk the streets. So luckily this has meant a lot more nights in for those formerly troublesome young people. The only ones on the streets now are violent psychopaths put their to keep order. No, I’m not talking about the police because their hands will be tied up with their unnecessary bureaucratic administrative work. Things that are far more important than actually doing any police work. Unless of course you live in a very well-to-do area and the biggest problem you would get there anyway is having to listen to a celebrity confiding in you about their 400^th time of going into rehab to kick their little heroin problem.

So we would like to say: calm down dad. This workforce is more skilled than any other. We have been taught well by you guys and appreciate everything that you have done for us. Unfortunately your gripe has missed the mark, but at least you still have an extra 5-10 years to work thanks to your own diligence in raising the retirement age. At least this way you can try to supervise us more thoroughly and come up with some even better strategies in crushing our resistance. 

Fact of the working day:

It is a well known fact that British workers increase productivity by inspecting their waste fluids. The picture to the left demonstrates this activity taking place in some offices at Dundee, Bonny Scotland.

It is about you

We've made this blog in a rather unusual way: we have posted first without introducing ourselves. Is this a good thing? Not sure. But it does kind of reflect our attitude: we like to put other people first and ourselves last. We prefer to see people thrive rather than profit. Our general ethos is to help foster a creative culture and allow a freedom of expression in a world that is becoming narrower and narrower in its ability to allow others to have their own freedom.

The concept behind Instant Nowhere Korporation Ltd is tongue-in-cheek: firstly we are not a corporation, but a korporation. It is a subtle difference but one that is vastly important. Just as the largest explosion comes from the smallest particle of matter, this is an apt analogy for our plans. What would happen if a corporation put people first, rather than profit? What would happen if a corporation evenly distributed wealth and resources throughout the world? These are the types of questions that we consider on a daily basis.

Most companies would be thinking about their bottom-line and their year on year profits, their revenue, income generation and other rather boring business ratios that could turn a human being into a vat of nausea. The majority of rules to running a 'business' is common-sense. Yet so many top echelon characters seem to code it with a religious awe: bow down to the growth equilibrium model! Oh, yes of course Mr Business Priest...

Life is more than just corporate newspeak. That is one of the main reasons we decided to set Instant Nowhere Korporation Ltd up in the first place.

An old electricity warehouse in Suffolk, Britain, was the first of our attempts to make creative spaces for anyone to use for pretty much any activity. From this we have had numerous artists, hobbyists, musicians and people from all walks of life utilising our services. They are given room to get on with creating their masterpieces. Our rates are at least 20% lower than the surrounding businesses because it is more satisfying to us to see people have the space to create than for them to have to give up.

We have had people arrive who used to make models in a freezing cold building for double our hourly rate. No care had been given to them by the landlord who decided it was quite alright to have a toilet handle attached by a piece of rotten string. Heating was an extravagance he did not wish to pay for. Tales much worse than this came to our attention and has made us more determined to assist the community.

Although our cultural influences and creative expressions are outside of the mainstream in so many cases, we understand the importance that creativity brings to people's lives. Even if the artist in question is creating what we would consider as very bland artwork, we give them equal standing with an artist we are totally blown away by. There can be no division because the saying: an attack on one, is an attack on all, is very true.

We exist in two capacities essentially:

1. Our room, storage and facility business: this is our community based project aiming to give people from all ages and all walks of life a decent place to come to in order to create

2. On line, providing our own artwork, music, literature, poetry, prose, comic strips and other creative works, as well as helping to promote other artists, musicians, poets, writers and other creative individuals

Although as of this writing our website is under construction, it will be completed in January 2012, and you will be able to see more of our creative Instant Nowhere Kulture.

We hope that you enjoy this and feel free to comment whenever you wish.

Instant Nowhere Korporation Ltd

Gold Hearts

grab this gold
this atrophied currency
for men we will estimate your worth
forgiven are those who believe their beauty
is more expensive than this substance
gold hearts demand to be more pleasant than all of your gifts
strange how it still impoverishes with a dutiful smugness
all economy
buy with me for trade is man's sole virtue
his ultimate reward for hedonism
but while his fleeting moments pass
only the gold survives and impoverishes
golden leprosy

by Raygun

Ruins

men devour themselves by devouring the flesh of pig
holding the bloody throat klaus barbie kisses
his drool crystallises
visions are played
of his mistress dancing
hand in hand with a paladin

the saliva trickles down to the neck so slowly
barbie raise the glittering blade
hero enraptured

glory is primed again and again as he lets fall the cleaver onto the porceine rump
a warm gash exuded from so cold a tool

tiny stream of saliva sleepily continues the minor journey down the chest
clandestine blood ejects heavily from the wound
chest slipping into stomach
the tiny stream glides down
past the genitalia
passing the body massacre
a convivial tourist in a cruise

ignore the superfluous wanton landscape
where is the next stop
the butcher grooms his beard
strokes the body's war zone
in stagnation with a ruin to feel
both remain still...the cruise has ended
it slipped from the legs

by Raygun

Identical Sheets of Paper

the poet's search is forever
even when their transitory existence
drawn of ink, dries up
the line of poetry is spread further
the line is eternal
interminable search for the last drops of print
on the edge of the first sheaf of paper
on the backs of identical sheets

by Raygun

Invisible Career

there's blood on your costume plants

from his shrinking mentality

oh, come and turn the walls grey

why not pour your culture into a mire

turn your vices into products

living like this

he has a penchant for broken horrors

he's just a fucking salesman

corpses are improvements

they will all want dignity

the exhibitionism of baring the soul

is usually practiced by the blind

waiting eventually turns one into a lobby

the rising hand of hell grips my bitter teeth

language neither living nor dead

servant aping the master

poets only pretend to die

instant celebrity machine

mirrors reflect too much

i feel like ripping my jaw bone from my skull

anything to break this anxiety

this continual ridicule of being nowhere

sick to death of the stale air

the endless exhibition of squalor

a plastic moment in an invisible career

by Raygun

For the Ultimate Manchurian Candidate

Give it up for the manchurian candidate 'in charge' of the White House. Let me see... Mr Soros? No, no, no! It is our teleprompter hero, the man who makes George W Bush look like a genius. It is the garbled speech, criminal slug bait Mr Obama...

He should take a lesson from the mind controlled lady in this clip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTsm7BqpiSY

Or perhaps the scrambled brain drain of this chappy from the mainstream media dirge fest below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ssiLkxTTrzc

Sell your soul to the corporation and you too can be automatonised in one simple step...

Tim Rifat Speaks

An article in New Scientist has described how Japanese scientists are beginning to read P300 brainwaves electronically, with a view to developing computers to scan the brain for verbal content. At present, this research has been able to match up only a handful of words that pass through the subject's brain. 

    There has been much anecdotal reference to a super-secret group in the US military which has developed the means of electronically scanning the brain to read the subvocalisation that passes through a targets mind. Synthetic telepathy, or electronic brain-scanning, would be a valuable tool for the US military. However, since the fall of the Soviet Union, it fears its own population more than foreign enemies. 

    Lacking sophisticated telepaths developed by the Russians with a gamut of drugs, brain surgery, invasive electronic stimulation, amplification and psychotronic generator interfaces, the US military is rumoured to have perfected synthetic telepathy.

    The electromagnetic signals in the brain are of a very weak intensity, but, in synthetic telepathy, only the signals associated with subvocalised thought are of interest. The areas of the brain associated with speech are the Broca, Wernicke and supplementary motor areas. So, by connecting these parts of the brain to a computer via electrodes, highly sophisticated computer systems can decode an information stream and read subvocalised thoughts in the brain.
 
It is well known that the National Security Agency (NSA), the largest of the US state security organisations, possesses the most advanced computer systems in the world. If Japanese medical research is already detecting a few key-words just using P300 EEG signals, then it is very likely that the NSA can read substantial portions of subvocalised thoughts. If the alleged transfer of alien technology from the so-called "Greys" is factored in, then full comprehension abilities may already have been achieved.

    In the article titled "Covert Operations of the US National Security Agency" [NEXUS, vol. 3, no. 3], the author, John St Clair Akwei, makes mention of EMF Brain Stimulation for Remote Neural Monitoring (RNM) and Electronic Brain Link (EBL) technologies. Such electronic RMCT has been in development since the MKULTRA program of the early 1950s and, in fact, the US military has been using RNM since the early 1980s.

    It is alleged that the Kinnecome Group at the NSA's Fort Meade is deploying this RMCT against US citizens on a grand scale. Another group at Fort Bragg is alleged to be using synthetic telepathy and electronic RMCT to augment the capabilities of Green Berets involved in their program. One of the aims of the research may be to remove conscience in the soldiers so that they may be better equipped for expunging internal 'subversives' such as militia group members.
Nexus Vol 4 No 2, The Esp of Espionage, by T Rifat.

Black Death

Hooray! The Tory dance of death!

Something so miniscule can destroy society

Fun and games : wreaking havoc on Big Society

The poor's secret hand shake of death

Dance of the Hanged Men

On the black gallows, one-armed friend,
The paladins are dancing, dancing
The lean, the devil's paladins
The skeletons of Saladins

Sir Beelzebub pulls by the scruff
His little black puppets who grin at the sky,
And with a backhander in the head like a kick,
Makes them dance, dance, to an old Carol-tune!

And the puppets, shaken about, entwine their thin arms:
Their breasts pierced with light, like black organ-pipes
Which once gentle ladies pressed to their own,
Jostle together protractedly in hideous love-making.

Hurray! the gay dancers, you whose bellies are gone!
You can cut capers on such a long stage!
Hop! never mind whether it's fighting or dancing!
- Beelzebub, maddened, saws on his fiddles!

Oh the hard heels, no one's pumps are wearing out!
And nearly all have taken of their shirts of skin;
The rest is not embarrassing and can be seen without shame.
On each skull the snow places a white hat:

The crow acts as a plume for these cracked brains,
A scrap of flesh clings to each lean chin:
You would say, to see them turning in their dark combats,
They were stiff knights clashing pasteboard armours.

Hurrah! the wind whistles at the skeletons' grand ball!
The black gallows moans like an organ of iron !
The wolves howl back from the violet forests:
And on the horizon the sky is hell-red...

Ho there, shake up those funereal braggarts,
Craftily telling with their great broken fingers
The beads of their loves on their pale vertebrae:
Hey the departed, this is no monastery here!

Oh! but see how from the middle of this Dance of Death
Springs into the red sky a great skeleton, mad,
Carried away by his own impetus, like a rearing horse:
And, feeling the rope tight again round his neck,

Clenches his knuckles on his thighbone with a crack
Uttering cries like mocking laughter,
And then like a mountebank into his booth,
Skips back into the dance to the music of the bones!

On the black gallows, one-armed friend,
The paladins are dancing, dancing
The lean, the devil's paladins
The skeletons of Saladins.

Thank you Mr Rimbaud...

Alchemy of Sorrow

Alchimie de la douleur

one lights thee with his flame, another
puts in thee — Nature! — all his gloom!
what says to this man: lo! the tomb!
cries: life and splendour! to his brother.

o mage unknown whose powers assist
my art, and whom I always fear,
thou makest me a Midas — peer
of that most piteous alchemist;

for 'tis through thee I turn my gold
to iron, and in heaven behold
my hell: beneath her cloud-palls I

uncover corpses loved of old;
and where the shores celestial die
I carve vast tombs against the sky.

Thank you Mr Baudelaire....