News Just In: The Queen's Diamond Jubilee Hat

The Queen of Puddings

NEWS JUST IN


Here we have a Royal World exclusive from the 'News just in' reporter Colin Murr, and his photographer Johnny Phlegm.

The above image of our Saxe-Coburg Gotha Germanic Queen Elizardbeth has her sporting the hat she will be wearing on the evening of her Diamond Jubilee Babylonian celebrations.

The hat, in the shape of a giant pudding, is to be worn in honour of her hereditary inbred clan of puddings, the Saxe-Coburg Gotha dynasty, whom Queen Elizardbeth is directly descended from.

This is the first time that the pudding hat has been seen in public before the ghastly Diamond Jubilee Babylonian ceremonies, and our reporter Colin Murr has stated that he was told by one of the footman to Queen Elizardbeth that "No puddings were harmed in the creation of the Queens Diamond Jubilee hat" 

As for the cost to the tax payers of this rather appropriate hat, which incidentally was made by milliner to the stars Sir Gladstone Bovine Papercut the 3rd, it is reported to be in the thousands, and will more than likely never be worn again after the lavishly sickening Diamond Jubilee celebrations.


NEWS JUST OUT


Report by Colin Murr

Photograph by Johnny Phlegm



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News Just In: The Bobble Hat Bomber

NEWS JUST IN


Reports are coming in from unreliable, and fabricated intelligence sources of a new style of clothing bomber to appear from out of the ranks of the CIA and MI6 double agent factories.

'News just in' can confirm that this new style of terrorist is known as the 'Bobble Hat Bomber', and sources deep inside the occult and secret society ridden intelligence services, have said that this could potentially be more deadly than the exploding plastic tricycle terrorists that were almost caught hurtling towards Downing street like over sized children, wearing balaclavas, and brandishing supersoaker water pistols that had been filled with petrol after the last manufactured 'fuel panic buy' fiasco.

Luckily as we all know the 'Plastic Tricycle Bombers' were foiled when two pensioners who were travelling at an incredible speed near by after watching the 'Jeremy Kyle Show' through a shop window, crashed into the terrorists knocking them off their explosive cargo, and back into their handlers cars that were ever so conveniently waiting near by just in case of a fuck up caused by annoying members of the public.

Unfortunately 'News just in' can confirm that this new style of bomber, 'The Bobble Hat Bomber' is a far more difficult terrorist to deal with.

Intelligence sources have told us that the bobble hat is made from a mix of Lycra, spandex weave, elastic bands, and old wool from charity shops enabling this complex bobble hat to be able to stretch, and expand to over 100 times it's original size making the wearer look like they either have elephantitis of the head, or that they are trying to hide an enormous explosive device under their gigantic bobble hat. Either way the lack of attention that this draws to the wearer is as you can imagine quite frightening to behold.

'News just in' can also confirm that the 'Bobble Hat Bomber' has been trained to use an elaborate array of disguises to avoid detection, and has even been known to dress like a Venezuelan juggler, a tweed wearing lady boy with shiny wrist jangles, and also a MK Ultra mind blank double agent with fixed grin.

When 'News just in' tried to confirm with the sinister orchestrator's of fake terrorism the 'Intelligence Services', about the existence of the 'Bobble Hat Bomber' we received a gift token for £10 to spend at Argos, and were politely asked to go away as some of the staff had headaches, as they had been taking part in Masonic ceremonies and blood rituals the previous night at a disused Tupperware factory nearby.

Whatever the manufactured nonsense we are told about exploding plastic tricycles, dog bombs, air to ground sock missiles, or bobble hat wearing bombers, one thing is for certain, and that is the real truth out there does not come from the soppy gobs of the mainstream media, or the soul sucking secret societies, or indeed the anal politicians drunk on fake illuminated power...the real truth comes from the pages of 'News just in'.


NEWS JUST OUT


Report by Colin Murr

Artists impression of the 'Bobble Hat Bomber' by Johnny Phlegm


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News just in: Fabio Capello is the new voice for Sooty and Sweep



Sooty and Sweep's new voice

NEWS JUST IN:


It has been announced that Fabio Capello, the former England manager is to be the new voice for childrens programme 'Sooty and Sweep'.

An unreliable source confirmed the ridiculous news after receiving a call from an imaginary neighbour of 'Matthew Corbett' the ginger nut biscuit behind the Sooty and Sweep show.

The caller who cannot be named as we don't know it, said that "Mr Capello" had "Mastered the art of incoherent voice squeaks" during his time as England manager. The annonymous caller also stated that because of his newly aquirred vocal gift Mr Capello felt it was "Neccessary to put his vocal talents to good use" and quickly arranged at meeting with Sooty and Sweep.

 A source close to somebody said that the meeting was like a "Match made in heaven", and said that the room was "Electric with excitement" at the prospect of such a collaboration.

When News just in tried to contact 'Mr Capello' to confirm the news our calls went straight to voicemail, but not before first hearing what sounded like a "Grumpy old man chewing a stick who had just sucked the helium from a barrage balloon" asking us to leave a message?

Could this voice have been 'Mr Capello's', the new voice for Sooty and Sweep?

Here at News just in we are still awaiting an answer to this ludicrous question, and preposterous story.


NEWS JUST OUT:


Written by Colin Murr

Picture by Johnny Phlegm

News Just In : Face of Mussolini found on a tray of fruit scones

Scone but not forgotten

NEWS JUST IN:


Reports are coming in from unreliable sources of the discovery amongst a tray of fruit scones of the face of long dead Italian fascist leader Benito Mussolini.

The face was apparently discovered by a sour faced ole murray mint stinking harridan called 'Ms Brenda Bunion' after she had taken the tray out of the oven some time earlier today.

Confused at first Ms Bunion initially thought that the face was just a really squashed and burnt sultana with a bowler hat on. But it wasn't until closer inspection that Ms Bunion realised the true identity of the image before her.

When News just in decided to meet the old crone, Ms Bunion was asked how she felt on discovering the face of Benito Mussolini amongst a tray of her fruit scones, she replied "I have terrible pains in my legs from varicose veins, and I am often incontinent to the extent where I need a life jacket in my own living room".

News just in decided to have a close look at the tray of fruit scones and indeed the face of Mussolini was clear for all our eyes to see.

However it must be pointed out that just because we here at News just in have stated that we have indeed seen for ourselves the face of Benito Mussolini amongst a tray of fruit scones, this does not mean that we cannot be payed even more to say something entirely different as opposed to the truth that is on offer.

  
NEWS JUST OUT:


Reported by Colin Murr

Picture by Johnny Phlegm