Jap's Eye: Hitch a Ride on the Thatcher Fame Train

Hitch a Ride on the Thatcher Fame Train

Whilst the fake tears of irrelevant elite scum fall for the cameras at the public pisstake that is Baroness Margaret Hilda Thatcher's funeral, we at Jap'a Eye decided enough is enough...We need our star to fire higher in the sky, and to do so we need to use the lame Tory spectacle of Thatcher's death to do so.

So we went to the streets and interviewed several people who claimed to know the real Maggie the Maggot Thatcher. 

The first person we interviewed was a self-proclaimed Thatcherite, Lord Obese Stupid Peasant-Beater. Although Peasant-Beater has bluer blood than the most inbred royal fuckwit, he also has claimed to bear witness to an astonishing fact: when Thatcher finally died a green fog billowed from her corporeal body and the place where the heart should be was actually a vortex leading to a special Tory black hole.  

'Well, I was there with several of my brethren and we were holding our usual ceremonial sex rituals with the dead corpses of friends, acquaintances, strangers and family members. On this occasion we were trying to resurrect the ghostly apparition of our fix-it man Jimmy Savile. My honourable gentleman Lord BBC Child-Killer, brought along the holy and only pair of underpants that belonged to Jimmy Savile.' 

'As Thatcher had spent many a Christmas dinner with Savile, it seemed only appropriate that the two could be united in vile death.' 

'Instead what we exhumed was the corpse of Tory politics. It was a pretty grisly affair betwixt as it was with decaying body parts from former Tory ministers such as Edward Heath, Winston Churchill, Lord North, Spencer Perceval and other semi-dead coenobites hidden in the dark cloisters in the soulless land of Toryism.' 

'This corpse is now negotiating an arms deal with Lockheed Martin to mercilessly destroy the entire North Korean population and I for one wish it all the Bally best!' 

The next person we interviewed was a self-proclaimed honest working class moron called Barry Barking who comes from Barking and spends most of his time barking with dogs down the race tracks at Barking. 

'Yep, loved that fucking kunt I did y'know, cos y'know she was a right fucking kunt in charge. Ya always knew where ya stood with 'er, normally in the gutter or in a big pile of shit, but ya always knew where ya stood with 'er, normally on the edge of a deep crevice or with ya cock in a guillotine but ya always knew where ya stood with 'er, y'know always knew. Y'know, ya just knew, y'know...' 

After several minutes of repetition, waffle, and 'y'knows' our great English working man Barry Barking fell onto all fours and starting imitating the behaviour of an ailing bulldog that was puffing its way through the street. At this point we had to terminate the mterview as we do not understand the howling and the barkings of a man-dog. 

Next on our interview trail was Majorie Constipation, a lady with an unfortunate name and an even more unfortunate medical condition that has ruined her life, the medical condition known as: being middle class in Britain. It is such a travesty that the ruling elite allow such horrific ailments to go unchecked when surely the most humane antidote would be some form of compulsory euthanasia.  

Alas, we continued the interview with such heavy thoughts in our hearts:

'Well Baroness Thatcher was a marvellous lady, a real lady with a sure sense of propriety. I voted her at every election because I adored her conservative fashion sense. I own several Launer London hand bags to conceal my block of stone that I carry around with me at all times. My starched pussy bow is de rigeur with both myself, my children and my grandchildren, due to its supreme artificial snootiness that it exudes.'

'Although my sex life died on my wedding night my main pleasures extended into my dotage from just watching Baroness Thatcher peering out at me from the Daily Telegraph very day in the 1980s. Whether I was at home baking cakes for my alcoholic husband or starching my legs to be even straighter Baroness Thatcher's image was forever embedded in my ever shrinking mind.' 

After several hours of hearing from Marjorie Constipation our journalist committed suicide by slitting their own throat with a piece of soft cheese made from the udders of Ms Constipation. It was a very slow and very painful death but completely unavoidable. 

We spent days and days trying to find more people with good things to say about our heroine Thatcher but unfortunately they were either completely insane or mentally deficient (current members of the Tory party), or so completely slimy that they slithered into a puddle of vapid patriotic sludge (current and past members of all political parties) or they were too intent on selling themselves on the back of canonising the Thatcher (Geri Halliwell, John Lydon etc). 

Alas, we had to content ourselves with this final missive from an illiterate borderline simpleton peasant who claims to have worked as a footslave on the Thatcher estate in Grantham. He was merely referred to as Jack from Grantham: 

'She be deedle dum a rum pe pum pum. Her dad be a right rummun and he did like put his naked carrot up some young girls hairy bum. He did be right sexualist like be shove his hand up young girl skirt and done touch her naughty bit in front. And he like do something naughty with all young girl in town in his grocers shoppe and like did like beat me hard with stick and stone and use my mouth as wheelbarrow. I done ate maggot marrow and chow down lots of specks of dirt...' 

Again as seems befitting of a national treasure the dull and dreary anecdotes abound from all walks of life. I just hope we weren't too late to jump on the bandwagon of using the Thatcher to re-launch our career.
 

By Narcissus Shameless-Opportunist

Colonial Imperialism

As the world descends into ever more chaos and madness, we here at Instant Nowhere Korporation stand in bemusement at the ignorant rabble who are flailing about to the sound of the moriah conquering wind beating them in the face.

We have had the Libyan debacle, whereby we are told that Gaddafi is dead and the murdering, raping, killers of the Libyan 'resistance' forces are on the side of progress. Unfortunately, a lot of the population in Britain believes such shameless propaganda lies. In reality the British and US imperialists have acquired another country to rape of its resources.

We are having the Syrian debacle, which is surprisingly similar to the Libyan debacle.

We are due to have the North Korean debacle, which, you have guessed it, is surprising similar to the Syrian debacle, which was surprisingly similar to the Libyan debacle, which was surprisingly similar to the Iraq debacle.

These are all countries within Bush's original axis of evil and John R Bolton's beyond the axis of evil. They are just missing Cuba and Iran. However, these two countries will follow.

In another more honest and less bullshit spewing era of humanity, these manoeuvres carried out by Anglo-American imperialism would be called out for what they are:

Colonial imperialism

The strategy in Iraq 2003 is their blueprint:

1. Start a propaganda war against a small country's leadership: call them a fascist, a dictatorship, a 'Hitler' etc etc. Create a devastating press release on a continual basis describing the harrowing conditions of the people living in the country.
2. Once propaganda has been carried out in a saturated form, the lump of population who have become brainwashed will bay for the blood of the 'evil tyrant' and will want the people to be liberated and / or the 'tyrant' murdered; an eye for an eye.
3. Continue the propaganda and silence any dissenters. Add a legal reason to start a war with the country in question. For example, make the war either a humanitarian mission to save the people. Or make it a war about the terrible threat that the current authoritarian regime holds to the rest of the world and its closest neighbours. If the latter option is chosen, lie blatantly about the capacity of the country to be able to annihilate Western civilisation at the drop of a hat and it is only a matter of time before this takes place.
4. Get support from other countries eager to attack the 'evil tyrant' and his 'fascist regime'. These countries will be promised rewards equal to their level of support as the spoils of war.
5. Alienate other countries that you wish to invade next. These countries are to be labelled as cowards and sympathisers of evil regimes. Perhaps their regime needs to be looked at next.
6. Once a coalition of vultures has been put together ensure that the business plan is put into motion: assign the contracts out to the weapons manufacturers to ensure that they are paid large sums of tax payer's money to be used on the civilians of the country to be invaded.
7. Put together the contracts for the companies who will be instructed to re-construct the invaded country when it has been obliterated. The money to pay for the re-construction works will be paid for by the country that has been obliterated.
8. Ensure that when the country has been obliterated that the IMF is involved in order to finance the deal at a rate of interest so stratospheric that the country will never recover and pay back the debt. This gives the option of returning time and time again to invade whenever required.
9. As the country will have important minerals or other vital resources a plan must be agreed upon as to how these spoils of war will be divided. The local population will be paid a pittance to assist with the work required to draw the mineral / resources out of the ground.
10. Find a local disgruntled militia or 'rebel' force who are already in the country or in a neighbouring country. These will be funded and trained by the invading countries. It is better for these grunts to be used as cannon fodder to do the donkey work and sell their own country out in advance.
11. The 'rebel' force must be portrayed in all propaganda as a force for the good, even if they commit atrocities and war crimes, and even if they are reactionary thugs with a history of crimes against humanity.
12. Deploy the 'rebel' force and use this to attempt to destabilise the current regime. This must be portrayed in the propaganda as an attempt to liberate the country from the repressive and evil tyrannical regime. Any force used by the country's leadership to suppress the 'rebel' forces must be presented in the worst possible light and seized upon as news headlines for weeks. This ensures that a negative viewpoint is held about the current regime.
13. When the time is right remove business interests out of the country to a safe haven and deploy UN or NATO sanctioned troops into the country. The reason for war will be either: humanitarian reasons (to save the population from the tyranny) or pre-emptive safety (to save us all from the mad dictator and his attempts at destroying the whole world). Obviously these are extremely flimsy pretexts based upon total lies but they will work every single time.
14. Label anyone in your own country as a traitor if they do not support their 'own troops' who are sent to invade the evil country. These traitors must have no viewpoint portrayed accurately in any of the propaganda. They must be demonised, mocked, and generally made implausible through a thick barrage of lies, disinformation and suppression.
15. Do as much damage to the country that has been invaded but do not attempt to win the war. The war must go on for as long as needed for the business interests involved to make as much profit as possible through manufacturing and selling arms.
16. The resources should be secured first and business production should begin immediately. Construction work should only start after the infrastructure of the country is completely destroyed and a large percentage of the population is dead through carpet bombing, murder by ground troops, rape, burning, and starvation. This is essential to completely demoralise the victim population.
17. Minorities and majorities in the devastated country must be made to hate each other and this hatred must lead to fratricidal acts against one another. Chaos must reign supreme and a centralised state must be strongly discouraged.
18. One of the goals of invading a country is to ensure that it can never stand on its own two feet ever again. All attempts at self-governance must fail.
19. The invading armies must be presented as liberators in the propaganda to their own civilians. It does not matter how they are portrayed to the devastated country. It is probably better that the devastated country hates them and attacks them because the troops are only there as cannon fodder. It is better for the working class lads to be killed in a foreign country fighting for a worthless cause rather than back in their own country fighting against their own government. The longer the 'war' goes on the longer they need to stay.
20. Whilst the country is in a state of chaos it is then important to begin the re-construction works and sign the deal with IMF. The country will then be re-colonised under the mantle and auspices of 'freedom' and 'liberation' from the evil tyrant who ruled before.
21. Do not run any stories in the propaganda that show our troops or our policies as causing problems in the country. If they slip through the net then a heavy barrage of criticism should be implemented. The offending person should be thoroughly discredited.
22. It is essential that a myth should be constructed as to why we had to 'liberate' the country and a fairytale should replace reality. An entire treasure trove of merchandise from video games to toy soldiers and Hollywood movies should be made about the 'war' or 'liberation'. It is helpful to recruit more young working class men and women to the armed forces, navy and air force in order to use them as cannon fodder in the next war.
23. After a significant time period only occasional mention of the war should be made in the propaganda but it should be negative concerning the population of the country and positive about the aims of our leader's military concerns and efforts to re-build the country.
24. Write a glowing fairy tale into the history books and after a generation everyone will believe the lie to be the truth.

By Raygun